I suppose we all been there, ignoring the early red flags?
Basically being to lenient when you do notice them. Too in love, thinking it ain't that bad, or that it'll change or whatever.

I just realized I ended up with a drum kit that's not up to my standard, because my ex -a pro drummer- said he'd help me out but never did. I ended up buying it myself, but at the time I didn't know jack about drum kits, now I'm stuck with it
But it was typical of my ex, whenever I needed something, he couldn't be @r$ed. Unless there was something in it for him, as in glory & attention (NPD)
Now I wasn't happy about it then, but even had I acted upon it, I still don't think I would have left him, because I was just too in love.

That can scare me a bit. I mean, will I be that stupid again when in love?

I wonder if you men are better at this, spotting them and dealing with it? Albeit by leaving or by saying something of it?

It's ever so easy to say: "Oh I will NEVER put up with that again!!" But, that big but... things are different when you're in love ...

QUESTION BEING -and now think you are madly in love!!-
- Do you men deal with it differently? (spotting it) faster, more decisive?
- Would you really pull the plug sooner than you did in the past?

that all depends on your state of being and outlook

as i have come across a time that i don't need a woman to complete my life and that is a first for me

i will be very slow to pull the trigger

before that time , nah i would take people at there words and not by there actions and turn a blind eye to a lot of things

i care more for myself then i did before so yes i would pull the plug sooner then before

life is to short

i do understand that i will never find any one to 100 % click with me , and i am ok with that

but cheaters , liers , abusers will find them selves alone with me out of there lives so fast they will wonder what happend : )

When I was younger yes I was fooled but I learnt a few things along the way.
There are things I watch out for.
I also go with gut feelings.
If I do take him home that's means yes he seems to pass but the test is will he pass the family.
I have learnt sometimes when you are lovey dove you look through rose coloured glasses.
I want my vision to be clear if not I want my family and friends to tell me.

Oh...
The trouble I could have saved myself,
if I had only paid attention to all those red flags.

I think I got red flags coming up, hihi. The guy I was talking to that seemed so cheerful, turns out to be rather negative about everything so far. I've sent happy lighthearted messages, but all I get back is "I don't like this and I don't like that".
So I'm giving it another couple of messages, then I'm done with it.
I'm proud of myself, lol. A while back I wouldn't even have noticed such a tendency. Isn't that something?

I'm 49 for crisake ...how old exactly do you have to get before you finally get how this chit works?
Don't tell me ... I think I know the answer to that: you never really do.

Anything and everything can be a red flag, if you want it to be.
Red flags aren't based on hindsight.


I know people that did that with guitars.
But they just stuck with it and learned to play.
And that brings some enrichment or enjoyment to their life.
They ignored the same red flag you're talking about, but it ultimately added something positive to their life.

In hindsight, after you've figured out you aren't going to pursue it, don't care about it, it's become a red flag.
But at the time it was an opportunity.


It's not being stupid.
People that talk about "red flags" are usually talking about their own limitations and failings, not that of the other person.


I don't like the term "red flags."
It's a term that people who don't really want to think or try use.


Sometimes. Depends on a lot of things.


Are you addressing the issue directly? Asking if he's noticed how negative he's coming across or something?
Or just playing a game where you are pretending like all is well, or possibly fishing or manipulating him to try and respond in a way that shows you something different?

Because it sounds like you've already made up your mind, and made a decision, and he's on some kind of probation. Which means your focus and standards have increased, less forgiving or understanding.
Does he know this?

Rhetorical questions. No matter how you answer them, only you will ever know the truth of what you're doing.


Not necessarily something positive.
For all I know you didn't notice such a tendency because you were self centered and just didn't care who they were, their existence was just an extension of yours, everyone's was, pure solipsism.
And now you notice it because you're still self centered but you demand more immediate gratification, and that's your criteria, to determine more quickly if they can immediately fulfill your ego.


There's no formula.
There's no getting how this chit works.
There's only what you do, what they do, why, and the consequences.
And it's going to be different for each attempt with a new individual.


is just looking for reasons why you shouldn't try, shouldn't communicate, shouldn't care, and why you should blame them for it, IME.

Nah, you're good.
We wise up with age.
Then we do it anyway :-)

I find that it's all a matter of how thoroughly convinced that you are about whatever. Not about age or experience as much.

It sounds as though you are afraid that if you fall in love again, that you will over-rule your own hard-learned lessons, and make the same mistakes again.

I've been through a bit of that. I've benefited a lot from looking through my thoughts in more detail. That is, when I think I have a "red flag" rule in place, and I'm worried that I wont stick to it and will get burned, I take a closer look at my thinking about it.

The mistakes that I am likely to end up repeating, are the ones where I have lingering doubts as to whether I really know why things went wrong.

Look for places in your reasoning where there's a sort of mental "smudge," and some sign with a variation on "magic," or "on account of because," or even "because everyone else says so" taped over it.

Anything that you aren't convinced of, you are still vulnerable on.

People who think that the fact that they fall in love with someone else either CAUSES that person to become wonderful, or CAUSES themselves to change and become compatible (a misreading of the Love Conquers All ideal), are the ones most likely to ignore everything they learned when the next 'hottie' comes down the pike.

I learnt a lot of stuff, had lots of fun, and gain lots of experience by not looking out for the red flags. And i have no regrets. I never love with my heart. I only love with my head. If things are not going good i ended it and move on

Yes red flags..lol.. it is funny how we convince ourselves throughout an entire relationship.... that certain behavior is acceptable.... we make little trade-offs with ourselves..hmmm..
But it's not until the end those final years months or days.. that those red flags as you call them actually become..
Huge annoying red flags...yup..

. We are all willing to settle until the final end... but by then it is too late sometime..... the policeman ask you one more time.. so just so that I have this straight. You stab your husband with the butcher knife.. because he never put the lid back on the toothpaste correct..lol

"Not quite true my lord,he also didn't put the toilet seat down".

I usually do ignore them and in the end I blame myself. And I know it is "red" for me as I don't see a justification in it. But ignore in the hope for best. And as usual " best" never happens. Lol. So I am aware but do ignore. Gemini for you. Rather to live in the illusion..... :)

I discovered what a narcissist is i hope i can spot it a lot faster if i ever encounter again

next time? say this
" sooo tell me about yourself"


and then time him on how long it takes him to do it

another good question is to ask about the x's if they are all psychos and they are the victim red flag alert

That's the problem,you don't have to tell him.

Interestingly, but probably not the best way to get into a relationship, we were always friends first. The kind where the rest of our mutual friends would pick up on what was going on, and then get teased for it. Always the same. :-) *folding my arms in defiance*. One of them, I had no choice but to get along with, as I was housed in a group-living place. So you had to go by their rules.

I think the part that interferes with women & men noticing red flags is the "now think you are madly in love" part of it. During the "honeymoon" phase of a new relationship there are lots of hormones racing through your body. You physically change when you are with someone you are still new to & very physically attracted to & having some form of intimate physical contact with. This will mess up your logical thinking.

It is only after a settling in period that the "quirks" or "traits" begin to go from cute to red flag material. So...red flags don't get noticed early on but need to be addressed immediately after the "butterflies" have flown away LOL.

For some the honeymoon period is much shorter so they get wiser to the other's incompatibility with them much much faster.

Of course in OLD red flags can appear with the first typed message you receive so it is foolish to ignore those when you have no excuse (haven't met in person yet). I personally will put up with a red flag behavior (and only one, not more than one) only if I'm extremely attracted to them & I am sexually satisfied. Other than that...no way would I ignore any of my own red flag issues in a real world relationship.