everyone has issues, i suppose... no one is perfect... some more imperfect than others...

black sheep
playing favorites
unacceptable lifestyles and partners
parent - child problems
sibling rivalry
adoption
strained relationships
neglect/abuse
generation gap
reunions you'd rather not go to
sheltered life
differing priorities
etc etc...

like 'em or not... they're still family. who you are now is a product of where you come from... for better or for worse... one can only rise to the occasion...

do you believe that the basic foundation that color and affect our current and future relationships is based on our family life...? if so, by how much...?

Well, I think you basically answered that question yourself:
who you are now is a product of where you come from... for better or for worse

Even when you choose to do things differently, to try and get away from a family pattern and/or how mom and dad dealt with things, it is still based on your family and background.
So I think close to a 100% has to do with your background.

hmm..yeah...
a product of.. but not necessarily the same pattern as... at least in my case, i hope so...

on one hand you can have advice such as "let it go" and ideas of breaking away from the mold and finding yourself as an individual, not to let anything hold you back... which can go against the grain of "family comes first" and "family knows best"...and other similar "ideals"

it's more of the internal conflict that exists that becomes the issue of how much family can affect how you deal with others, what choices to make and what to do with your own potential for the future... especially when the two are at odds...

Yes, but even when you choose to break away, to do it different, it is still based on your background and family. If the particular mold hadn't been in your family, you wouldn't be bothered by it nor would you have felt the need to break free from it.

I could give examples, but then I'd be writing a tome, as it plays a role on many levels. But the way you deal with difficulties, good things, the type of partner you choose, your norms and values, wanting a career or not, how to raise children, how you feel about religion, discrimination etc etc etc... are ALL based on your background. EVEN (esp!) when you have different views from family and parents.

Even your place in the family defines you --> being the eldest, the youngest or the one in the middle. There are specific traits that come with being the eldest/youngest/one in the middle.

to illustrate... tho, it might be a bit extreme... lol.. hypothetically...

family is involved in ...say.. criminal activity... all happening behind the appearance of complete respectability...
you probably wouldnt expose your own family, right...? and yet, you want to break away... but they wouldnt let you... everything and everyone has to keep up with appearances...and if you do... you're pretty much set up to take the fall, one way or another...

would you... do what's right for you, at the expense of family? or do what's right for the family, at the expense of yourself...? ... damned if you do, damned if you don't...?

yes, that's true... so, how much do you let family affect you... from your personal growth..?

the question seems simpler to answer if the word "family" is substituted with a "significant other"... lol... or with "the In-laws" ...

We all are made up of our experiences. Who we associate or associated with who WE were and are. How we have been tested and how we react to those tests. All of it contributes to the sum of who we are. In that manner background matters. But as we become adults WE make our choices. Whom we associate with and who has significance in our lives so whatever our background it doesn't define our present. We as individuals define ourselves through our own choices. And I refuse to ever use upbringing as an excuse for personal shortcoming. My actions today are mine. ... the fault and credit alike.

Needless to say ,I guess....all we can discuss about general people...not the special ones.

I mean, it's well proven form the history & present too...nothing can limit the real talented and hardworking guys.....may they be born in slums, poor families, down trodden communities....they out stands ahead of the rests...

Generally...???

Yeah...family dynamics matters a lot...but of course...again needless to say....all children from the same family with equal treatments & upbringing, won't necessarily be the same in further life.

Yes, and HOW you deal with things and WHY you make the choices you make, has a lot, if not everything, to do with your background. You cannot 'escape' that, even though you may think it doesn't influence you (anymore), it does.
You will make different choices than I would in any given situation, because our backgrounds are different.
Yes, experiences affect us too, but the way we deal with experiences is again mostly based on your upbringing and background. So the extent to which an experience affects us, depends (mostly) on your background.

For instance, if your family tended to feel you couldn't do achieve much (for whatever reason) you will likely have low self-esteem and have difficulty dealing with problem situations or presenting yourself and/or standing your ground. Cause you've come to believe as well that you're not worthy or able.
OR it would go to the other extreme. Both are a direct result of your upbringing/family/background.

Well, as little as possible, lol. I have had my problems with my parents, the way they are, the way they deal with things etc. And then I came to the point where I started to see the good as well, not just the so called bad stuff. I've learnt to embrace those good qualities, that I also have in me. I see a certain strong tendency in the female family line from my mother's side, tendencies that I now appreciate and am grateful for. Because I can see the good in it, I (think) I've changed the way it is regarded by other family members. My daughter has that tendency as well, but as I now convey it as a positive trait, she will too. So the tendency itself hasn't changed, but the way it's experienced, has. - you still with me? -
I don't think this particular quality can be changed, it's in our genetic make up. But how we deal with it, can be.
And the fact that I CAN and have done that, is what I've inherited from my dad. The inquisitive mind, broader understanding of things. So I needed part of what I inherited from my dad to deal with something I inherited from my mother.
I think that is quite beautiful :)

So to answer your question, I try to take the good from my background and dump the rest. The fact that I have the tendency, resilience and will-power to at least attempt to do so, is again ... part of my family's make up :D I think I got that from both my parents...
So it's all connected.

Funny, I just realized that I can use the good I got from my mom to counteract the bad from my dad and vice versa. Hmm.. I guess I chose my parents well before incarnating, haha

I think it is true to say that family, particularly parents, do have an influence on our lives. However, once we leave home we are free to make choices, we make our own way in the world, and we don't necessarily want the same things as our parents. We should always respect our parents after we have left home, listen to their advice when offered, but ultimately we make our own decisions, which should in my opinion, be what is best for ourselves.

sure op your family can effect many ...
But Duttoneer explain it pretty well ... some will make their own choices ...some will follow what their families believe ...

Great Question... To a point family, S/O's have an impact on who and what you are. I think when we are younger that is more so than as we get older since as we get older we, I hope, by taking all our experiences in and evaluating them and evolving as a person. We become our own person.

When I was in my 20's and 30's they were a huge impact on who I was right down the career I chose. Now I think for me and what makes me up is the complete world I am surrounded with.

I listen to what others have to say, their style of living and choose what is best for me and how I want to live. For example, I love roasting hotdogs in my back yard at midnight on a starry night just for the fun of it. My family would be scandlized that I would think to do something like that. Doesn't matter what they think it matters what I think and what is right for me.

I like classical music no one in my entire family likes it.

I really hope that I have come to a point that while I dont' agree with what they do, believe or don't believe doesn't have a huge impact on my life. Live and let live is my motto on most things.

thank you for your replies

yes, up to a point, family will determine one's self esteem and value system... it's up to the individual to determine what is truly right and wrong, and to find his place in the universe...

but consciencely (or morally?) speaking, if you were raised to believe and conform to a certain set of rules , behaviors, and values to be normal and good...but universally speaking, it might not be the case...
either way, it would be hard to end up doing what you should...

on one hand, you'd feel guilty for going against the norm you've been raised up in, and sometimes ostracized or punished for it for going against...
on the other hand, you'd also feel guilty if you continue to do things that are being not true to yourself, convincing yourself to stay within the mold that is dictated to you...

this conflict is more likely true in extended familial based and traditional societies, i think, where families are more enmeshed and entitled to insert ( or meddle ?) in each other's lives. some are more autocratic, some are more democratic...

do you believe that the basic foundation that color and affect our current and future relationships is based on our family life...? if so, by how much...?


yes, very much,, I believe our environment and experiences create EVERYTHING about us that isn't asthetic

from our home to our media to our educational system and our peers and colleagues

we learn to correlate people and experiences with bad or good feelings and we build our walls(or take them down) accordingly

I'm referring to this ..."unacceptable lifestyles and partners "

Coming from an Asian country, our upbringing is different from the western countries where children have been encouraged to have their own mind, speak their mind, act on what they want and not what the family wants.

Asian families are getting there....slowly but surely, some faster, some slower....... I'm afraid some not even allowed to depending on their gender. I know some people will find this hard to believe that this kind of control still exists, but it does.

Even now, some of our youngsters ...in their early twenties from here who are studying overseas (US, UK or Australia are popular choices) who get involved with whites (seldom blacks) have been known to fear divulging this fact to their family! Some families are ok with it, some accept it reluctantly, and some embrace it.

yes, this is partially what i was referring to... ^^^

not all families are as permissive in mindset, and some end up with a burden of not being able to be as free in choosing what to do in life. The concept of family honor and shame can weigh very heavily to some. The option of being able to do "your own thing" is not as easy without being allowed to (much less approval of ) by the head of the family.

whether you follow the same path or blaze your own. we are definitely more creatures of nurture than we are creatures of nature

true words msharmony and eric...
sometimes it is not as easily done as it is said...

people can have hang ups in life that are hard to get over.. mostly having its roots in family... much more those who comes from societies that prizes "family honor" and pride...

not just who to marry, but also what job to choose, which friends to have, how to act in public, etc etc... which can very much affect a person... if family does not approve of the kind of person you are, and constantly belittles one's choices in life... it's hard to get oneself through without coming out battered and bruised...

take for example, divorce ....some societies/families do not and cannot condone to it, and would rather you keep up appearances, even if you are living in a nightmare...

and cheating... some will be very hypocritical about it... it's no big deal if a guy does it, and even keeps a mistress on the side... you're a big man if you can do that... but the wife is supposed to suck it up... and be a complete lady about it, even just accepting it, or having to ignore the elephant in the room... and they can't go back to family because it would bring shame to expose such a thing...

it kind of "traps" one into believing something about oneself, thereby preventing real, honest personal growth... and some people end up being bitter, or an empty shell..., some, end up believing thet even if knowing things are wrong, it is completely acceptable... thereby, making things worse by shutting out moral reasoning in lieu of just going with the flow... that can't be considered as "personal growth" right?

sometimes, the concept of saving face, will mean having to set aside personal convictions...

i guess, eric... some families do not "nurture" very well, and just lets human "nature" take its course instead...and of course, money is always a deal changer when it comes to human nature...

Yes, Pansy..... divorce is still frowned upon, and I was one who kept up appearances for years...more for the sake of my children, then for the family though. But it is fast getting acceptance in the society, and family members are coming out in support of a family member who is not happy in a marriage for certain reasons not of their doing.

Sad to say, in some countries (not going to mention which), 'honor killing' of a family member is still known to be happening.... due to divorce, cheating by a spouse (normally woman) and even speaking out.

To break away from the norm, I guess it all boils down to where you are at, and the people in your current life & surrounding. It helps to really 'break away' by 'leaving the nest' and venturing out there somewhere .... be in the right environment to find your own path and footing. To be somewhere away where you can learn and be able to do what you want or speak out without worrying about being chastised by family/clan/community.