women are not chattel, Men do not own us, they may not control us, they will not
isolate us, hit us, verbally abuse us, financially cripple us, shame us, nor will they
make our life or the lives of our children a living hell on earth, so help me God. This group is a life long hope of mine. Women need to learn to trust their gut instincts, stop their jealousy and realise together we can stand and divided we will fall into the same traps. Traps laid out by our abuser. Men look for women who are loving, giving, and kind, who have had little family support. Together we can stop this in our generation and I pray for each of you that have suffered that you will find the strength and courage to reach out. TELL SOMEONE, MAKE A ESCAPE PLAN, FIND A TRUSTED FRIEND, HIDE MONEY, KEYS, IMPORTANT PAPERS, BIRTH CERTIFICATES, You my friend are not alone. GET HELP!! Don't make excuses, your children are at stake. So are you worth more.

Incident
* Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

* Abuser starts to get angry
* Abuse may begin
* There is a breakdown of communication
* Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
* Tension becomes too much
* Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up

* Abuser may apologize for abuse
* Abuser may promise it will never happen again
* Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
* Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm

* Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
* Physical abuse may not be taking place
* Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
* Victim may hope that the abuse is over
* Abuser may give gifts to victim I love you! Lets help each other

makes me wanna go out and abuse some one

Thanks sharkai, excellent advice

abuse of any kind is wrong

even emotional abuse that can lead to physical retaliation

which is also wrong

Speaking from personal experience in my own life- this is excellent advice...
The hardest thing to do is the most important.
I cut ALL ties with this person...
Everytime I tried to talk to them they would persuade me to come back...
So my final exit was my last... I moved 2 counties away. Got a new job made new friends and my family didnt know where I was for a year even tho I saw them and called them regularly.
It was tough and sacrifices that I souldnt have had to make -I made...I got away from him..
Only to find out 2 years later he shot his current girlfriend in the parking lot on her way to work then turned the gun on himself...That was almost me...my children were almost motherless....But thatnks to God and some awesome friends I ams till here...

My ex-husband was like that. He, was terrible.. I had no say in anything. Only after coming back from the USAF training, did I realize what was really happening. Two weeks later, I left. It's been three years now, and I'm alone still, but that's okay. I'm happy.

welcome to the dark side...i am your daddy.....feel the power

Well I didn't think I would put this out there for the world to see,but your advice is right on cue.I suffered many yrs. of abuse and buried it for many yrs. to come,finally at 50 yrs. old I have made my peace and have put the past behind and have been able to forgive but it was a long hard stuggle.So I guess I woulds say if it starts you need to leave right then and there,don't believe they will change,they have every excuse in the world.Get a way why you still can.If they get help and you see a change,still give it more time.Take care of you and put you first.

been there.. done that.. have the scars.... rather have a tshirt...



rather not play again.... thanks for the signs... anyone who can learn and avoid... SO!!

i think a lot have suffered
it is not the norm to come from a functional family

i was lucky. my family was functional.. but my kids are not so fortunate.. oh well.. i got out.. thats whats importaint..

Very sound advice shark!!! I wish I knew this 20 years ago.....but live and learn

I am glad some of you found this information encouraging and do not take offense at the male comment. I think that women and some men in America and probably across the world are waking up to the fact that abuse is not okay any more. If you were a stranger and I beat the crap out of you I would be in jail for assault or at least battery. But society has allowed men to beat up women for way to long. I hope women began to see this as a national scourge against themselves and start speaking out in there cities. I am not a man hater but I hate that so many men think they control women by violence. Where is the love in that? Do they not know their children or watching and the cycle will continue. Don't tell me they can not help it for that is a LIE. They know exactly what they are doing and they are probably not going to support or see their children after they lose the control they gained by violence.

Abusive Relationships:
Using Intimidation

• Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures.

• Smashing or destroying things.

• Destroying or confiscating your partner's property.

• Abusing pets as a display of power and control.

• Silent or overt raging.

• Displaying weapons or threatening their use.

• Making physical threats.

Using Emotional Abuse

• Putting your partner down.

• Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.

• Calling your partner names.

• Playing mind games.

• Interrogating your partner.

• Harassing or intimidating your partner.

• "Checking up on" your partner's activities or whereabouts.

• Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or "jokes".

• Making your partner feel guilty.

• Shaming your partner.

Using Isolation

• Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes.

• Limiting your partner’s outside involvement.

• Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.

• Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.

• Using jealousy to justify your actions.

(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Love Addiction.)

Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting

• Making light of the abuse and not taking your partner’s concerns about it seriously.

• Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn't that bad.

• Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I did it because you ______.)

• Saying your partner caused it.

Using Children

• Making your partner feel guilty about the children.

• Using the children to relay messages.

• Using visitation to harass your partner.

• Threatening to take the children away.

Using Male Privilege

• Treating your partner like a servant.

• Making all the big decisions.

• Acting like the "master of the castle."

• Being the one to define men’s and women’s or the relationship's roles.

Using Economic Abuse

• Preventing your partner from getting or keeping a job.

• Making your partner ask for money.

• Giving your partner an allowance.

• Taking your partner’s money.

• Not letting your partner know about or have access to family income.

Healthy Relationships:
Non-Threatening Behavior

• Talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things.

Respect

• Listening to your partner non-judgmentally.

• Being emotionally affirming and understanding.

• Valuing opinions.

Trust and Support

• Supporting your partner’s goals in life.

• Respecting your partner’s right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

Honesty and Accountability

• Accepting responsibility for self.

• Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusive behavior, changing the behavior.

• Acknowledging infidelity, changing the behavior.

• Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.

• Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.

Responsible Parenting

• Sharing parental responsibilities.

• Being a positive, non-violent role model for children.

Shared Responsibility

• Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.

• Making family decisions together.

2 good pieces of advice that I learned long ago:

1) Love does not hurt

2) If someone makes you feel mad or sad it is bad.

Very simple rules but have guided me for many years!

This is a wonderful post for people to read...

Lets end the abuse!

Wow, just described my childhood. One of the first cnas who helped me to learn my job was taking all her anger on me so that she didn't put it on the resident. She was real sweet to the resident but boy was I catching hell. It just kept making me angrier and angrier but then after each round it was like it didn't happen and she was all friendly again. She had just come out of the Marine Corps as a gunner's mate. She would get upset at me because I wasn't fast enough for her. Try as much as I was able I just couldn't please her. She was intimidating to work with. Eventually though she lightened up as I got better at my job. Then one day it came to me. My trouble was that I didn't vent. At first it was difficult because it was something that I just didn't do but after months of it it came natural. It even became funny to me because everyone around me was venting but me. I felt like such a dumbass when I finally got it.

Amen Sharkai!!

go to www.lovefraud.com

Someone started this website.... It is great wisdom for women!!

Stay safe!!! God bless!

Angela

Thank you for posting this thread ...
Ladies...Let's join together
and kick the enemy's butt...

It'll be an extremely cold day in hell
before I let a man come before my family

If he wants to be part of my family, that's one thing.
But no one will NEVER come before my kids or grandkids...

God gave US the exclusive right,
the absolute Blessing,
the honor and the priviledge...
the awesome gift of bringing new life into the world ...
There is no encore needed
after that awesome accomplishment

READ the poem I entered in the poetry section
entitled...The two temples...for good parents...
It will help empower you with light and love and a fuller understanding of who we are & what our incredible purpose is,
I case you happen to ever forget ....

We are and always will be the absolute bomb
as well as the eternal MOM
The centerpiece of the home...
The magical ingredient that transforms a mere house
into a warm, loving, real, honest to goodness home

...Let's not ever forget who we are...
The Mother of all humanity....

I Love you sisters and friends

Take good care ...Make wise decisions...
I'm far from perfect...
I'm just a little further down the river than some...
I've just learned from many of my mistakes...
But that doesn't mean that I don't still make them...

Pray for our innocent, vulnerable children & grandchildren..
Pray for wisdom and strength...
and this next one is powerful ...
Pray for discernment of other people's intentions ...
and pray that we never allow anyone to control our lives in any way that is not respectful, loving & in our best interest.