This is a post from Topic: women stay safe

I think it applies here and thanks for sharing your heart.

Sat 09/01/07 04:51 PM

women are not chattel, Men do not own us, they may not control us, they will not
isolate us, hit us, verbally abuse us, financially cripple us, shame us, nor will they
make our life or the lives of our children a living hell on earth, so help me God. This group is a life long hope of mine. Women need to learn to trust their gut instincts, stop their jealousy and realise together we can stand and divided we will fall into the same traps. Traps laid out by our abuser. Men look for women who are loving, giving, and kind, who have had little family support. Together we can stop this in our generation and I pray for each of you that have suffered that you will find the strength and courage to reach out. TELL SOMEONE, MAKE A ESCAPE PLAN, FIND A TRUSTED FRIEND, HIDE MONEY, KEYS, IMPORTANT PAPERS, BIRTH CERTIFICATES, You my friend are not alone. GET HELP!! Don't make excuses, your children are at stake. So are you worth more.

Incident
* Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

* Abuser starts to get angry
* Abuse may begin
* There is a breakdown of communication
* Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
* Tension becomes too much
* Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up

* Abuser may apologize for abuse
* Abuser may promise it will never happen again
* Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
* Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm

* Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
* Physical abuse may not be taking place
* Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
* Victim may hope that the abuse is over
* Abuser may give gifts to victim I love you! Lets help each other

1) Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that his jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. He will question the woman about whom she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends or children. As the jealousy progresses, he may call her frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may refuse to let her work for fear she'll meet someone else, or even do strange things such as checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.


2) Controlling Behavior: At first, the batterer will say that this behavior is because he's concerned for the woman's safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions. He will be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment, he will question her closely about where she went, whom she talked to. As this behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, going to church; he may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.


3) Quick Involvement: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. He comes on like a whirlwind "you're the only person I could ever talk to", "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." He needs someone desperately, and will pressure the woman to commit to him.


4) Unrealistic Expectations: He is very dependent on the woman for all his needs; he expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend. He will say things like "if you love me, I'm all you need--you're all I need." She is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.


5) Isolation: The man tries to cut the woman off from all resources. If she has men friends, she is a "whore", if she has women friends, she is a lesbian. If she is close to family, she is "tied to apron strings". He accuses people who are her support of "causing trouble", he may want to live in the country without a phone, he may not let her use the car, or he may try to keep her from working or going to school.


6) Blames Others for His Problems: If he is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong, out to get him. He may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on doing his job. He will tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.


7) Blames Others for His Feelings: He will tell the woman "you make me mad", "you're hurting me by not doing what I ask", "I can't help being angry". He really makes the decision about what he thinks and feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the woman. Harder to catch are his claims that "you make me happy," " you control how I feel".


8) Hypersensitivity: The man is easily insulted, he claims his feelings are "hurt" when he's really very mad, or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. He will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened to him--things that are really just part of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told that something he does is annoying, beng asked to help with chores.


9) Cruelty to Animals or Children: This is a man who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering; he may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting their diaper) or he may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. (Sixty percent of men who beat the women they are with also beat their children.) He may not want children to eat at the table or expect them to keep to their room all evening while he is home.


10) "Playful" Use of Force in Sex: This man may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. He's letting her know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. He may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.


11) Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, abusers can be seen degrading the woman, cursing her, running down any of her accomplishments. The man will tell her she's stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking her up to verbally abuse her or not letting her sleep.


12) Rigid Sex Roles: The man expects a woman to serve him; will say that she must stay at home, that she must obey him in all things---even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.


13) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many women are confused by their abuser's "sudden" mood changes--they will describe that one minute he's nice and the next minute he explodes into some special "mental problem" or that he's "crazy". Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.


*14) Past Battering: The man may say he has hit women in the past, but they made him do it. The woman may hear from the relatives or ex-spouses that the man is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with: situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.


*15) Threats of Violence: This would include any threats of physical force meant to control the woman. "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", "I'll break your neck". Most men do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying "everybody talks like that".


*16) Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The man may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior; only very immature people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten them.

*17) Any Force During an Argument: This may involve a man holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. (The man may hold the woman against a wall and say "you're going to listen to me").




Thank you Penelope House Inc. Mobile, Alabama

Have you ever been mad at God? Certainly, everyone has had anger rise up against a person. And there are a lot of people who are angry with themselves. Anger is a problem all of us have to deal with.

Many people come from backgrounds where strife was just normal. Our culture is so full of envy and strife that it's become part of life. We don't realize how deadly it is. But realize it or not, strife will kill you. Listen to what James had to say about envy and strife:

"For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work." (James 3:16)

Think about what this verse is saying for a moment. Envy and strife bring EVERY evil work. That is quite a revelation! You could be giving tithes and offerings and trusting God in the area of your finances, but if you're living in strife, you are opening the door to poverty. You could be trying to take care of your body and meditating on healing scriptures, yet envy and strife will negate all of that and bring sickness and disease. No one who is trusting God for victory in any area of their life can ignore dealing with anger and expect to succeed. It's that important.

This doesn't mean we are supposed to be emotionless or totally passive people. There is a proper use of anger. If we don't understand this and try to completely do away with anger, we will not succeed, and we will become passive in a way that allows Satan to run over us. There is a godly purpose for anger.

GODLY ANGER

Think of this: Every person on the planet has a temper. Why do you think that is? Do you think the devil created anger? No way! Satan never created anything. He doesn't have the power to create. All he does is pervert the godly things God created.

It's God who gave us the capacity to get angry. Anger has a godly function. But with most of us, it's been perverted. We don't need to get delivered of a temper; we need to learn how to manage that anger and direct it the way God intended — not toward people, but toward the devil and evil.

There is a well-known passage of Scripture that talks about a positive use of anger. Yet this passage is most often interpreted in a way that loses the true intent of what Paul was saying. Ephesians 4:26-27 says,

"Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil".

This is usually interpreted as, "God knows you are only human, and you will sometimes get angry. That just happens. But it doesn't become sin unless you let it persist. So make sure you confess and forsake your anger every night before you go to bed."

There is no doubt that getting over anger quickly has great benefit. Confessing and forsaking anger before you go to bed every night is a good thing to do. But that is not what this verse is teaching. It's nearly the opposite.

Paul is saying there is a godly anger that is not sin. God gives us a command to get angry with a righteous anger. Then he says, "Let not the sun go down on your wrath". What happens when the sun goes down? Typically we stop working. The day winds down, and we rest and go to sleep. Paul is saying, "Don't let this godly anger ever stop working. Keep it awake. Stir it up and keep it active!" Then verse 27 continues, "Neither give place to the devil". If we don't keep a godly anger active within us, we are giving place to the devil. What a revelation!

There is a righteous use of anger. Not understanding this has rendered many Christians so passive, they don't get mad at the evil in this world. Therefore, Satan is having a free shot at everything we hold dear and holy. Our society is under attack, and our righteous anger that God has given us as a weapon is kept in its sheath and not used. This needs to change.

Look at what the Word of God has to say about a right use of anger:

"Ye that love the LORD, hate evil". (Psalm 97:10)

"The fear of the LORD [is] to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate". (Prov. 8:13)

"The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of wisdom". (Psalm 111:10)

"The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of knowledge". (Prov. 1:7)

"Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good". (Rom. 12:9)

These are just a few of the scriptures that speak of a righteous use of hate and anger. Look again at Proverbs 8:13: "Pride and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward [literally, perverse] mouth, do I hate". Do we really hate those things? We should, but Christians as a whole do not hate evil. We don't like evil, but few would argue that we literally hate these things. Some Christians don't believe that we are supposed to hate anything, but that's not what God's Word says.

Jesus was sinless, but He had hate and anger. In John 2:14-17, which took place at the beginning of Jesus' earthly ministry, and then in Mark 11:15-17, which took place the last week of Jesus' earthly ministry, Jesus drove the money changers out of the temple. He didn't approach them meekly and say, "Guys, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt any of you, but I have to do this to obey my Father." NO! He made a whip and beat the people and animals and turned over their tables. He was mad.

Where were the temple guards? I'm sure they were there, but Jesus was in a holy rage that paralyzed them from action. It's certain that Jesus never sinned, but it's also certain that He got very angry to the point of action. Therefore, there is a righteous anger. We need to discover the righteous use of anger and channel all of our aggression in the proper way. So, there is a right place for anger. But what about the wrong use of anger? All of us have to deal with getting mad at people. How do we overcome our unforgiveness and anger toward people?

UNGODLY ANGER

Have you ever prayed that the Lord would remove someone from your life who makes you angry? Have you ever prayed that your circumstances would change so that you would be delivered from those things that make you mad? If you have, you are not alone. But it's not what others do to you that makes you angry. You will never be able to remove all aggravating things and people from your path. That's unrealistic. Satan has more than enough people under his control to keep an endless parade of annoying people coming across your path.

You can't always change circumstances, and you don't have the authority to change others. But you can change what's on the inside of you that makes you angry. That's right. Our anger comes from the inside, not the outside. I know most people don't like that. At first, it's comforting to think that it's what someone else did that made you angry, but that's not true. If what other people do makes you angry, then you will always be angry because there will always be someone that treats you wrong. That makes you a victim and not a victor.

Accepting responsibility for your ungodly anger puts you in the driver's seat. You only have total authority over yourself. You are the only one that you can really change. If you are trying to remove all the people and things that make you mad from your path, you will never win. But if you deal with the things inside you that cause your anger, you will never lose, regardless of what others do. That's the example that Jesus gave us. He was able to look at the very ones who crucified and mocked Him and say,

"Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do". (Luke 23:34)

Jesus not only suffered more than any of us ever have, He suffered more unjustly than we have. As God, He could have come off the cross at any time and wiped all of His accusers out. Yet He humbled Himself and even forgave His enemies. Some people think, "Well that was Jesus. I'm certainly not Jesus." But Jesus wasn't the only one who forgave those who wronged him. Stephen acted just like Jesus in Acts 7:60. As he was being stoned to death, he knelt down and cried with a loud voice,

"Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep".

Paul commanded us to do the same thing in Ephesians 4:32:

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you".

Not only are we supposed to resist anger, but we are commanded to forgive those who trespass against us. We can't control others, but we can control what's inside of us that makes us angry. The key is found in Proverbs 13:10:

"Only by pride cometh contention".

It's not what others do to us that makes us angry; it's the pride inside of us that causes us to get mad. I know that's not what most people believe, but that's what God's Word says. This verse doesn't say that pride is one of the major reasons for anger — it's the only reason. What a statement!

I ministered this in Pueblo, Colorado, many years ago, and a man came up to me after the meeting and said, "I've got a lot of problems, but pride isn't one of them. If anything, I have such low self-esteem that I hate myself. Yet I have a lot of anger. I just don't understand how my pride is the source of my anger." What this man was missing was a proper definition of pride.

Many people think of pride only as arrogance. But that's only one manifestation of pride. Timidity and shyness are extreme manifestations of pride. Pride, at it's core, is simply self-centeredness or selfishness. Timid and shy people are extremely self-centered people. I know this to be true because I was an introvert. I couldn't look at people in the face and talk to them. I was so consumed with me that I was always thinking, "What are they going to think of me? Am I going to make a mistake and look foolish?" That self-centeredness made me shy.

If you have a testimony about what the Lord has done for you that could help someone, yet you would be timid about getting on radio or television and sharing it because everyone would be looking at you, then you have some pride issues that haven't been settled. You may not be called to broadcast on radio or television the way I am, but we are all called to, "be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear." (1 Pet. 3:15)

So, pride is not only thinking we are better than others; pride can be thinking we are worse than others or just being self-conscious. It doesn't matter if self is always exalting itself or if it's debasing itself. It's all self-centeredness, which is pride. Like it or not, understand it or not, pride is the source of all of our anger. As we deal with our own self-love, anger toward others will be defused. The only reason we are so easily offended is because we love ourselves so much. As we die to ourselves, we will be able to love others the way that Jesus did.

Thank you all for your comments. I figure we together can make a difference. I started a group on myspace A.W.S.O. A-bused W-omen
S-peak O-ut but on this sight I have had many more responses but
hey no one wants to date me. Ha ha ha.

Healthy Relationships:
Non-Threatening Behavior

• Talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things.

Respect

• Listening to your partner non-judgmentally.

• Being emotionally affirming and understanding.

• Valuing opinions.

Trust and Support

• Supporting your partner’s goals in life.

• Respecting your partner’s right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

Honesty and Accountability

• Accepting responsibility for self.

• Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusive behavior, changing the behavior.

• Acknowledging infidelity, changing the behavior.

• Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.

• Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.

Responsible Parenting

• Sharing parental responsibilities.

• Being a positive, non-violent role model for children.

Shared Responsibility

• Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.

• Making family decisions together.

Abusive Relationships:
Using Intimidation

• Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures.

• Smashing or destroying things.

• Destroying or confiscating your partner's property.

• Abusing pets as a display of power and control.

• Silent or overt raging.

• Displaying weapons or threatening their use.

• Making physical threats.

Using Emotional Abuse

• Putting your partner down.

• Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.

• Calling your partner names.

• Playing mind games.

• Interrogating your partner.

• Harassing or intimidating your partner.

• "Checking up on" your partner's activities or whereabouts.

• Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or "jokes".

• Making your partner feel guilty.

• Shaming your partner.

Using Isolation

• Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes.

• Limiting your partner’s outside involvement.

• Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.

• Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.

• Using jealousy to justify your actions.

(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Love Addiction.)

Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting

• Making light of the abuse and not taking your partner’s concerns about it seriously.

• Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn't that bad.

• Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I did it because you ______.)

• Saying your partner caused it.

Using Children

• Making your partner feel guilty about the children.

• Using the children to relay messages.

• Using visitation to harass your partner.

• Threatening to take the children away.

Using Male Privilege

• Treating your partner like a servant.

• Making all the big decisions.

• Acting like the "master of the castle."

• Being the one to define men’s and women’s or the relationship's roles.

Using Economic Abuse

• Preventing your partner from getting or keeping a job.

• Making your partner ask for money.

• Giving your partner an allowance.

• Taking your partner’s money.

• Not letting your partner know about or have access to family income.

I am glad some of you found this information encouraging and do not take offense at the male comment. I think that women and some men in America and probably across the world are waking up to the fact that abuse is not okay any more. If you were a stranger and I beat the crap out of you I would be in jail for assault or at least battery. But society has allowed men to beat up women for way to long. I hope women began to see this as a national scourge against themselves and start speaking out in there cities. I am not a man hater but I hate that so many men think they control women by violence. Where is the love in that? Do they not know their children or watching and the cycle will continue. Don't tell me they can not help it for that is a LIE. They know exactly what they are doing and they are probably not going to support or see their children after they lose the control they gained by violence.

women are not chattel, Men do not own us, they may not control us, they will not
isolate us, hit us, verbally abuse us, financially cripple us, shame us, nor will they
make our life or the lives of our children a living hell on earth, so help me God. This group is a life long hope of mine. Women need to learn to trust their gut instincts, stop their jealousy and realise together we can stand and divided we will fall into the same traps. Traps laid out by our abuser. Men look for women who are loving, giving, and kind, who have had little family support. Together we can stop this in our generation and I pray for each of you that have suffered that you will find the strength and courage to reach out. TELL SOMEONE, MAKE A ESCAPE PLAN, FIND A TRUSTED FRIEND, HIDE MONEY, KEYS, IMPORTANT PAPERS, BIRTH CERTIFICATES, You my friend are not alone. GET HELP!! Don't make excuses, your children are at stake. So are you worth more.

Incident
* Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

* Abuser starts to get angry
* Abuse may begin
* There is a breakdown of communication
* Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
* Tension becomes too much
* Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up

* Abuser may apologize for abuse
* Abuser may promise it will never happen again
* Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
* Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm

* Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
* Physical abuse may not be taking place
* Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
* Victim may hope that the abuse is over
* Abuser may give gifts to victim I love you! Lets help each other

Could it be as simple as we all want our own way and when we do
not get it we fall out of love. Or we marry because we are afraid to be alone.