The Stigma Of The Never-Married Man
He used to be envied. Now the perpetual bachelor is a social pariah.
By Kate Hahn



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It's 11 a.m. on Sunday, a time that during your single days was reserved for sex or the gym. But for your newly grown-up, coupled-up crowd it means . . . brunch. Now that most of your friends are over 35 and some have children, this kids-'n'-coffee routine is beginning to feel pleasantly familiar. Until he shows up—the guy who's never been married. He's late, fresh from the gym, and accompanied by a woman who's about the same age and build as the aspiring-actress waitress.

You used to envy this man. Sitting there with his hand on a 23-year-old's thigh while he sips his latte, he makes your banana-pancake domestic life feel lame. But lately that guy's beginning to seem—to you, your friends, and your wife—well, kind of creepy. His brazen rejection of the life stage that most of his peers have gotten to is starting to make it look like there's something wrong with him.

Joe (who asked that only his first name be used), a 39-year-old union organizer in New York who's never been married, has been getting disapproving looks from his friends ever since he turned 30. "There is nothing like a group of married people—especially with kids—when you come into their circle with a younger, thin woman," he says. "It's a terrible reaction."

"These guys get labeled playboy, loser, commitment-phobe," says Carl Weisman, author of So Why Have You Never Been Married? According to U.S. Census Bureau statistics, in 1980 only 6 percent of men between 40 and 44 had never been married; in 2008 it was 16 percent. But even though there are more of them around, men with long-term single status still have a hard time explaining their situation to potential dates, who see a guy entering middle age without ever having been married as damaged goods. In fact, a man whose marriage failed spectacularly tends to arouse less suspicion than a straight, still-single 41-year-old. "If he's over 40, you would hope that he's divorced," says Janis Spindel, a high-end matchmaker in New York who gets calls from hundreds of single women asking for setups. Evidence that even unmarried men in their mid-thirties are suspect is in her fee structure: The up-front charge for guys under 35 is $25,000; for those 35-plus it's $50,000.

If you ask a guy in his late thirties or early forties why he isn't married, he'll have his answer—you could call it his defense—ready. For some, the rationale is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Joe tends to date women younger than he, who are less likely to want to settle down than those his own age. "I would still like to have kids," he says. "But if I date someone who's 40, it's going to be chaos, a lot of pressure if we want kids—because we have to start that immediately, and even then you're not guaranteed."

I know the feeling. I wasn't married until age 33. Many women treat a never married man like poison. It's almost like a grudge they hold. Sort of like, "How dare you not be married, and suffer like we did with kids and a mortgage. You don't know what life is all about!" Really, it seems like that.
In general people claim they aren't prejudice, until someone different crosses their path. And they can't handle it.

Interesting article. Thanks for posting it.

So...We're expected to be divorced at 40?

What an odd expectation...

I still envy that guy

I dated a man years ago who was 34 and never married. Although he had lived with a woman for 6 years and had a child by her. So, they were livins and to me, that is like being married without the Paper.

Today I have a male friend who is over 50 and never been married, he seems really nice and I am steady look for why he never married. He says he was engaged once and the woman broke it off an married someone else. I wondered Why!

Maybe if men who married older, there would be less divorced you think?

I got married at 36 and divorces at 42

If it makes you feel better; a woman that has never been married is treated just as badly so I well know how you feel.

Certainly couldn't hurt...I just find it odd that anyone would expect someone to be divorced by a certain age.

People are aware that divorce is a bad thing, correct?

Divorce is not a good thing, right! But I guess Society looks for people to divorce if they marry too young, from the stats that is out there looks like it is true.

Hi Navygirl...
Sorry! I would think a man would welcome a lady with no prior marriages,

I'm 43, never married. I honestly don't give a rip what people think of that.

I find it sad that never being married at this age is considered abnormal, but being this age and having been divorced multiple times isn't.

And the above article is nothing but stereotyping.

Nope; there is a stigma that there is something wrong with someone who has never been married whether they are male or female. Oh well; what can you do; that is just how the human mind works. I stopped losing sleep over it.

this is where my thought process goes

not married by 40 probably due to

1) marriage not being significant to them
2) commitments that werent significant enough to end in marriage



that is different from never having had a committed relationship though

someone who hasnt been with anyone for more than 6 months, for instance , at the age of 40 i would think has expectations set too high (for someone as imperfect as me to suit them anyhow), or just is happier by themself

I think divorce shows that they were able to take the risk of marriage,,,,the divorce isnt the good thing, but the effort is

May I also add that some of us had a career in which we weren't home for more than 6 months at a time. Just saying......

I'm 40. Wanna get married?

*crickets*

that would be interesting all the way up until forty,, I imagine those would be exceptions,,,

I was married to a naval man who went six months out of the year,, we still were married for 7

My first year at sea; I was out 10 out of 12 month. And if I wasn't on my ship; I would sail on other ships as we were always short staffed in my job; not to mention going on training and temporary duties on other bases. Maybe women are more understanding about guys being away from home but men aren't so understanding when their women are away from home.

After you reach age 40; no one is interested in dating you as you never got married. Its a bit of a vicious circle but oh well; such is life.