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| Topic: The Stigma Of The Never-Married Man | |
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someone who hasnt been with anyone for more than 6 months, for instance , at the age of 40 i would think has expectations set too high (for someone as imperfect as me to suit them anyhow), or just is happier by themself May I also add that some of us had a career in which we weren't home for more than 6 months at a time. Just saying...... 
right I think some might feel that in your shoes accepting a marriage commitment might have been somewhat irrespnsible as you would have been hard pressed to really participate at the time...I can definitely see it that way Exactly. What kind of marriage would I have had not being at home to actually spend time with a husband? lol 
guess it depends on the husband some I've met I doubt I'd wanna go home to...lol however, lest I digress..... 
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So...We're expected to be divorced at 40? What an odd expectation... Maybe if men who married older, there would be less divorced you think? Certainly couldn't hurt...I just find it odd that anyone would expect someone to be divorced by a certain age. People are aware that divorce is a bad thing, correct? I think divorce shows that they were able to take the risk of marriage,,,,the divorce isnt the good thing, but the effort is That makes absolutely no sense to me...The effort is wasted if in the long-run the plan doesn't come to fruition. Kind of like putting a lot of work into a painting that you're just going to burn. I agree |
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NEVER Married = NO ALIMONY = : )
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someone who hasnt been with anyone for more than 6 months, for instance , at the age of 40 i would think has expectations set too high (for someone as imperfect as me to suit them anyhow), or just is happier by themself May I also add that some of us had a career in which we weren't home for more than 6 months at a time. Just saying......
There are many couples married, where one is away for Long periods of time, like in the Military. Yes this is true; but when you are away so much that you don't even get a chance to know a person; it can hardly lead to marriage if you can't even keep a relationship together. actually those active duty military marriages have a pretty high divorce rate I believe |
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Edited by
Toodygirl5
on
Fri 06/21/13 07:18 PM
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That makes absolutely no sense to me...The effort is wasted if in the long-run the plan doesn't come to fruition. Kind of like putting a lot of work into a painting that you're just going to burn. Couples that go into a Marriage, don't go into it looking to get a divorce. Often time circumstances change and leads to a divorce. If you don't take that Step, you never would know if it would lead to divorce or Not. |
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someone who hasnt been with anyone for more than 6 months, for instance , at the age of 40 i would think has expectations set too high (for someone as imperfect as me to suit them anyhow), or just is happier by themself May I also add that some of us had a career in which we weren't home for more than 6 months at a time. Just saying......
There are many couples married, where one is away for Long periods of time, like in the Military. Yes this is true; but when you are away so much that you don't even get a chance to know a person; it can hardly lead to marriage if you can't even keep a relationship together. actually those active duty military marriages have a pretty high divorce rate I believe It certainly is true here in Canada. I tried my hardest to work on a relationship but just as I would start making progress; I would be wisked away somewhere and when I came back; the guy would end it. It takes a very special person to stand beside someone who is away a lot and bottom line I have never found any man that could or would do that for me. If this makes me a bad person; so be it but it frustrates me when people say if others did it; then I should have been able to do it. Its easy for people to say but they have not walked in my shoes. I guess I should be used to being unfairly judged as that is what society does best. |
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What about couples that have "relationships" online. On the email, Skype, over the phone. What kind of relationship is that really? Not see the person for months maybe a year or more. Well, it is not a marriage I know. Not much of a date either. If a couple is not together, it is really not a real romantic "relationship".
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someone who hasnt been with anyone for more than 6 months, for instance , at the age of 40 i would think has expectations set too high (for someone as imperfect as me to suit them anyhow), or just is happier by themself May I also add that some of us had a career in which we weren't home for more than 6 months at a time. Just saying......
There are many couples married, where one is away for Long periods of time, like in the Military. Yes this is true; but when you are away so much that you don't even get a chance to know a person; it can hardly lead to marriage if you can't even keep a relationship together. actually those active duty military marriages have a pretty high divorce rate I believe It certainly is true here in Canada. I tried my hardest to work on a relationship but just as I would start making progress; I would be wisked away somewhere and when I came back; the guy would end it. It takes a very special person to stand beside someone who is away a lot and bottom line I have never found any man that could or would do that for me. If this makes me a bad person; so be it but it frustrates me when people say if others did it; then I should have been able to do it. Its easy for people to say but they have not walked in my shoes. I guess I should be used to being unfairly judged as that is what society does best. there may be some who judge you unfairly but I think there are many who will not. we make the choices that are best for us that will allow us to keep our lives manageable...like right now I can't deal with dating so I am not doing it...I think sometimes people judge me on that but I am pretty immune to the judgment of others at this point |
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The Stigma Of The Never-Married Man He used to be envied. Now the perpetual bachelor is a social pariah. By Kate Hahn Does Everyone Think You're Gay? Did Your Girlfriend Trick You into Fatherhood? It's 11 a.m. on Sunday, a time that during your single days was reserved for sex or the gym. But for your newly grown-up, coupled-up crowd it means . . . brunch. Now that most of your friends are over 35 and some have children, this kids-'n'-coffee routine is beginning to feel pleasantly familiar. Until he shows up—the guy who's never been married. He's late, fresh from the gym, and accompanied by a woman who's about the same age and build as the aspiring-actress waitress. You used to envy this man. Sitting there with his hand on a 23-year-old's thigh while he sips his latte, he makes your banana-pancake domestic life feel lame. But lately that guy's beginning to seem—to you, your friends, and your wife—well, kind of creepy. His brazen rejection of the life stage that most of his peers have gotten to is starting to make it look like there's something wrong with him. Joe (who asked that only his first name be used), a 39-year-old union organizer in New York who's never been married, has been getting disapproving looks from his friends ever since he turned 30. "There is nothing like a group of married people—especially with kids—when you come into their circle with a younger, thin woman," he says. "It's a terrible reaction." "These guys get labeled playboy, loser, commitment-phobe," says Carl Weisman, author of So Why Have You Never Been Married? According to U.S. Census Bureau statistics, in 1980 only 6 percent of men between 40 and 44 had never been married; in 2008 it was 16 percent. But even though there are more of them around, men with long-term single status still have a hard time explaining their situation to potential dates, who see a guy entering middle age without ever having been married as damaged goods. In fact, a man whose marriage failed spectacularly tends to arouse less suspicion than a straight, still-single 41-year-old. "If he's over 40, you would hope that he's divorced," says Janis Spindel, a high-end matchmaker in New York who gets calls from hundreds of single women asking for setups. Evidence that even unmarried men in their mid-thirties are suspect is in her fee structure: The up-front charge for guys under 35 is $25,000; for those 35-plus it's $50,000. If you ask a guy in his late thirties or early forties why he isn't married, he'll have his answer—you could call it his defense—ready. For some, the rationale is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Joe tends to date women younger than he, who are less likely to want to settle down than those his own age. "I would still like to have kids," he says. "But if I date someone who's 40, it's going to be chaos, a lot of pressure if we want kids—because we have to start that immediately, and even then you're not guaranteed." joe,good luck finding a woman over the age of 30 that can still have kids.all the ones over the age of 30 that i've talked to have had their tubes tied ,so their baby making days are done |
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The Stigma Of The Never-Married Man He used to be envied. Now the perpetual bachelor is a social pariah. By Kate Hahn Does Everyone Think You're Gay? Did Your Girlfriend Trick You into Fatherhood? It's 11 a.m. on Sunday, a time that during your single days was reserved for sex or the gym. But for your newly grown-up, coupled-up crowd it means . . . brunch. Now that most of your friends are over 35 and some have children, this kids-'n'-coffee routine is beginning to feel pleasantly familiar. Until he shows up—the guy who's never been married. He's late, fresh from the gym, and accompanied by a woman who's about the same age and build as the aspiring-actress waitress. You used to envy this man. Sitting there with his hand on a 23-year-old's thigh while he sips his latte, he makes your banana-pancake domestic life feel lame. But lately that guy's beginning to seem—to you, your friends, and your wife—well, kind of creepy. His brazen rejection of the life stage that most of his peers have gotten to is starting to make it look like there's something wrong with him. Joe (who asked that only his first name be used), a 39-year-old union organizer in New York who's never been married, has been getting disapproving looks from his friends ever since he turned 30. "There is nothing like a group of married people—especially with kids—when you come into their circle with a younger, thin woman," he says. "It's a terrible reaction." "These guys get labeled playboy, loser, commitment-phobe," says Carl Weisman, author of So Why Have You Never Been Married? According to U.S. Census Bureau statistics, in 1980 only 6 percent of men between 40 and 44 had never been married; in 2008 it was 16 percent. But even though there are more of them around, men with long-term single status still have a hard time explaining their situation to potential dates, who see a guy entering middle age without ever having been married as damaged goods. In fact, a man whose marriage failed spectacularly tends to arouse less suspicion than a straight, still-single 41-year-old. "If he's over 40, you would hope that he's divorced," says Janis Spindel, a high-end matchmaker in New York who gets calls from hundreds of single women asking for setups. Evidence that even unmarried men in their mid-thirties are suspect is in her fee structure: The up-front charge for guys under 35 is $25,000; for those 35-plus it's $50,000. If you ask a guy in his late thirties or early forties why he isn't married, he'll have his answer—you could call it his defense—ready. For some, the rationale is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Joe tends to date women younger than he, who are less likely to want to settle down than those his own age. "I would still like to have kids," he says. "But if I date someone who's 40, it's going to be chaos, a lot of pressure if we want kids—because we have to start that immediately, and even then you're not guaranteed." joe,good luck finding a woman over the age of 30 that can still have kids.all the ones over the age of 30 that i've talked to have had their tubes tied ,so their baby making days are done Yes, if a man wants children and he is 40 + he better find a younger woman who still wants children, or can have children. Many do not. Good point. |
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I actually find it amazing that women would rather date
someone that has been divorced instead of never being married. I would rather date someone that has never been married then you have no ex drama. If you are over 40 and never married that means your gay? Seriously? WTH whoever came up with this is insane. Maybe they never found that right person.? It is better to take a chance and get married and then get a divorce? ARE YOU KIDDING? I would think that you would want someone that knew marriage was not right and they were holding out for the right person. A lot of people want to put their career first and I say good for you! You are smart for doing that before getting married and having children and leaving them behind. I say do not judge people when you do not know them!!! |
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That makes absolutely no sense to me...The effort is wasted if in the long-run the plan doesn't come to fruition. Kind of like putting a lot of work into a painting that you're just going to burn. Couples that go into a Marriage, don't go into it looking to get a divorce. Often time circumstances change and leads to a divorce. If you don't take that Step, you never would know if it would lead to divorce or Not. Over 60%? That is more than half the marriages today, ending in an average of five years time. Look at it this way: If you wish to build something, and half-way through you decide to knock it down, you accomplished nothing and failed at building it...How in the world does that not translate to a relationship? Pretty sure I know the answer anyway, either way, there is nothing good about divorce...And divorce is just another word for failed. |
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That makes absolutely no sense to me...The effort is wasted if in the long-run the plan doesn't come to fruition. Kind of like putting a lot of work into a painting that you're just going to burn. Couples that go into a Marriage, don't go into it looking to get a divorce. Often time circumstances change and leads to a divorce. If you don't take that Step, you never would know if it would lead to divorce or Not. Over 60%? That is more than half the marriages today, ending in an average of five years time. Look at it this way: If you wish to build something, and half-way through you decide to knock it down, you accomplished nothing and failed at building it...How in the world does that not translate to a relationship? Pretty sure I know the answer anyway, either way, there is nothing good about divorce...And divorce is just another word for failed. as with many things it really takes experience to speak ably but I do not wish to explain...I am of the school that best trusts the opinions of expereince and appreciates the ideas, thoughts and emotions of the rest...with you I'd take your opinion as word point for point on weed and driving any day of the week ... lol |
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That makes absolutely no sense to me...The effort is wasted if in the long-run the plan doesn't come to fruition. Kind of like putting a lot of work into a painting that you're just going to burn. Couples that go into a Marriage, don't go into it looking to get a divorce. Often time circumstances change and leads to a divorce. If you don't take that Step, you never would know if it would lead to divorce or Not. Over 60%? That is more than half the marriages today, ending in an average of five years time. Look at it this way: If you wish to build something, and half-way through you decide to knock it down, you accomplished nothing and failed at building it...How in the world does that not translate to a relationship? Pretty sure I know the answer anyway, either way, there is nothing good about divorce...And divorce is just another word for failed. as with many things it really takes experience to speak ably but I do not wish to explain...I am of the school that best trusts the opinions of expereince and appreciates the ideas, thoughts and emotions of the rest...with you I'd take your opinion as word point for point on weed and driving any day of the week ... lol Ego. |
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I actually find it amazing that women would rather date someone that has been divorced instead of never being married. I would rather date someone that has never been married then you have no ex drama. If you are over 40 and never married that means your gay? Seriously? WTH whoever came up with this is insane. Maybe they never found that right person.? It is better to take a chance and get married and then get a divorce? ARE YOU KIDDING? I would think that you would want someone that knew marriage was not right and they were holding out for the right person. A lot of people want to put their career first and I say good for you! You are smart for doing that before getting married and having children and leaving them behind. I say do not judge people when you do not know them!!! hey there long time! 
I think you make a good point about no ex drama with a never married guy. I think that's one reason I dated a couple of younger guys for awhile ....didn't want that kind of drama/issue......still don't - even now if a man is divorced I will want to know for how long and how SELDOM does he see the former???..... |
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someone who hasnt been with anyone for more than 6 months, for instance , at the age of 40 i would think has expectations set too high (for someone as imperfect as me to suit them anyhow), or just is happier by themself May I also add that some of us had a career in which we weren't home for more than 6 months at a time. Just saying......
There are many couples married, where one is away for Long periods of time, like in the Military. Yes this is true; but when you are away so much that you don't even get a chance to know a person; it can hardly lead to marriage if you can't even keep a relationship together. actually those active duty military marriages have a pretty high divorce rate I believe It certainly is true here in Canada. I tried my hardest to work on a relationship but just as I would start making progress; I would be wisked away somewhere and when I came back; the guy would end it. It takes a very special person to stand beside someone who is away a lot and bottom line I have never found any man that could or would do that for me. If this makes me a bad person; so be it but it frustrates me when people say if others did it; then I should have been able to do it. Its easy for people to say but they have not walked in my shoes. I guess I should be used to being unfairly judged as that is what society does best. there may be some who judge you unfairly but I think there are many who will not. we make the choices that are best for us that will allow us to keep our lives manageable...like right now I can't deal with dating so I am not doing it...I think sometimes people judge me on that but I am pretty immune to the judgment of others at this point Yeah; I am the same way as you; I could care less what others think of me. I stopped dating too as I realize at my age dating and relationships are a complete waste of time. I would rather devote my remaining years to my community as they at least appreciate and accept me for who I am. They don't judge me or care if I am not pretty or don't have a model body of a 20 year old woman; they truly care what's in my heart. I will never find that in any man as I will never be good enough for him. |
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That makes absolutely no sense to me...The effort is wasted if in the long-run the plan doesn't come to fruition. Kind of like putting a lot of work into a painting that you're just going to burn. Couples that go into a Marriage, don't go into it looking to get a divorce. Often time circumstances change and leads to a divorce. If you don't take that Step, you never would know if it would lead to divorce or Not. Over 60%? That is more than half the marriages today, ending in an average of five years time. Look at it this way: If you wish to build something, and half-way through you decide to knock it down, you accomplished nothing and failed at building it...How in the world does that not translate to a relationship? Pretty sure I know the answer anyway, either way, there is nothing good about divorce...And divorce is just another word for failed. as with many things it really takes experience to speak ably but I do not wish to explain...I am of the school that best trusts the opinions of expereince and appreciates the ideas, thoughts and emotions of the rest...with you I'd take your opinion as word point for point on weed and driving any day of the week ... lol Ego. smooches |
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So...We're expected to be divorced at 40? What an odd expectation... Maybe if men who married older, there would be less divorced you think? Certainly couldn't hurt...I just find it odd that anyone would expect someone to be divorced by a certain age. People are aware that divorce is a bad thing, correct? I think divorce shows that they were able to take the risk of marriage,,,,the divorce isnt the good thing, but the effort is That makes absolutely no sense to me...The effort is wasted if in the long-run the plan doesn't come to fruition. Kind of like putting a lot of work into a painting that you're just going to burn. just my own perception noone is guaranteed a successful marriage, but if they find someone special enough to take the risk and put in the work, they jump in anyway a choice not to marry at all, says to me,, noone met their standards for however many years they have been alive,,,, |
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That makes absolutely no sense to me...The effort is wasted if in the long-run the plan doesn't come to fruition. Kind of like putting a lot of work into a painting that you're just going to burn. Couples that go into a Marriage, don't go into it looking to get a divorce. Often time circumstances change and leads to a divorce. If you don't take that Step, you never would know if it would lead to divorce or Not. Over 60%? That is more than half the marriages today, ending in an average of five years time. Look at it this way: If you wish to build something, and half-way through you decide to knock it down, you accomplished nothing and failed at building it...How in the world does that not translate to a relationship? Pretty sure I know the answer anyway, either way, there is nothing good about divorce...And divorce is just another word for failed. as with many things it really takes experience to speak ably but I do not wish to explain...I am of the school that best trusts the opinions of expereince and appreciates the ideas, thoughts and emotions of the rest...with you I'd take your opinion as word point for point on weed and driving any day of the week ... lol Ego. smooches I just don't believe my observations are wrong...But as we all know, my glasses are far from rose-tinted. |
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I actually find it amazing that women would rather date someone that has been divorced instead of never being married. I would rather date someone that has never been married then you have no ex drama. If you are over 40 and never married that means your gay? Seriously? WTH whoever came up with this is insane. Maybe they never found that right person.? It is better to take a chance and get married and then get a divorce? ARE YOU KIDDING? I would think that you would want someone that knew marriage was not right and they were holding out for the right person. A lot of people want to put their career first and I say good for you! You are smart for doing that before getting married and having children and leaving them behind. I say do not judge people when you do not know them!!! You are brilliant. The world needs more people that think like you. 
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