Spell check is not letting me correct that spelling. UGH. This is a serious question. Let's say you are dating this amazing person. They are smart and funny and great in bed BUT they have to tendency to go off on really depressed negative rants. I mean no matter how good the sex or dinner or whatever, they go back to some negative. Is that grounds to break up with them? I mean we all have something in our lives, some more serious than other, that we can choose to dwell on and be negative about. Some real, some imagined. I mean when I was a teenager, I was so lame I felt bad for myself because I didn't look like Christie Brinkley (showing my age). But really I feel like no matter what happens, you have to try very hard to put a positive spin on things. I find it very hard to live with people who dwell on the negative. But is it grounds to leave someone? I mean I try so hard my sister's boyfriend went to prison for murder so I asked my friend who knows a lot about law, etc. about his charges and said, "Please put a positive spin on that for me" (this is just an example). He read the charges and it clearly stated it was a crime of passion and not pre-meditated. He did not plan to and kill someone that day. Now I know that may sound horrible but my friend who did that for me really put my mind at ease that is if my sister had to be with this person at least he wasn't a cold blooded calculated killer. And I rely a lot on this particular friend because he is so good at putting a positive spin on things, he helps me a lot in life (no not someone I would date).

Negativity can wear one down.
I have an extended family member
who is always melancholy, to put
a good spin on it.

Over time, you learn to avoid being
around them, as it can ruin a
decent day, week, month or year.

I find it not worth the experience
as it never changes and it becomes
debilitating for the normal.

So, yes I think it an EXCELLENT
reason to walk on by.

Negativity is a real downer. The dated one who is negative can bring us down. It is hard to always be positive. We have to look deep within ourselves sometimes to bring us up. I am glad you have that friend. I recently got a male friend like that.

Yes, it is and I did once.

Hey there Teadipper!
Just my own personal opinion and experience here-I would say yes....I find I am energized by people who are positive and grateful and I find I am drained by those who are negative or feel entitled. If I have too many of the latter and not enough of the former hanging around, I get sucked into the void myself.

But..... I have also seen people change through a conscious effort & become much more positive, but that required an awareness on their part to start. Have you tried communicating to this person that you think they are awesome, and you care about them immensely, but there is this one thing that concerns you? It is really their welfare you are concerned about, don't you agree? Is any good served by being negative? It doesn't mean they can or will change, but if it is a matter of them not knowing how they come across to other people, they might be able to have a breakthrough.

Sometimes you just have to change your attitude, and then the world becomes a better place, and pretty soon you don't have to try so hard to see it that way.

gtfo n fast

I have smothered this person with kisses. Had great sex with them. Gone out to dinner. Offered to fix what was wrong. Cleaned his apartment when he was sick, etc. Put on on comedy central. Pointed out things could be worse but he wants to be negative. It's like he enjoys it so I walked. I was just wondering what others thought.

I did have one boyfriend who I was serious about who I could change his mood. If he ranted, I said "I love you" louder and louder every time he ranted until sometimes I screamed it at him and he busted up laughing and asked what that was about. I said, "those people you are pizzed at aren't here and I am here and I love you and I was just making sure you didn't forget". That always got him out of bad mood and laughing.

I haven't had an easy life, especially in the last 10 years. A year ago my husband was in hospital for 3 months. I went to hell and back with him. Two weeks after he came home he died of an underlying colon disease no-one knew he had (not cancer).

So, how do you put a positive spin on something like that?

His sudden death was really a blessing in disguise. Had he not had this other "silent" disease, he had between a few months to 3 years to live. He had heart failure. He would have had a long, slow, lingering death where eventually, even on oxygen, he would have been fighting to breathe. The positive was he was spared that.

For me. I learned that I had more inner strength than I gave myself credit for. A positive.

I don't live in the past or the what might have beens. Instead I look forward and hope that one day I will meet another man who I can be happy with and make happy in return. A positive.

If we live in the past (negative) we stop ourselves moving on and being happy.

Seems to me this man is wallowing in self-pity and you are encouraging this by smothering him in kisses etc. Strikes me that he's very insecure and is relying on you to constantly boost his ego.

This type of relationship is based on pity not love and it can be very easy to confuse the two. Ultimately he will drag you down with him.

I can't tell you what to do but if it was me I'd get out of that relationship very quickly.

You deserve better.

And there is one other thing, he could be a depressive. I was married to such a man for 10 years. That marriage ended in divorce.

thats a pretty subjective matter

for me, a relationship is two people working together

sometimes one is growing and maturing faster than the other, and thats when the two have to work a bit harder to maintain some common ground


that being said, If it was a marital commitment, leaving would be the last option I would try....I would personally make the attempt at a middle ground and see if the person was willing to meet me halfway in trying to deal with and move past whatever was causing their negativity


if they insisted upon remaining negative and not TRYING to grow past it , than I would leave to save my own emotional health (even if it was just a seperation to give them time to get themself together without the distraction of a relationship)

in a dating situation, all bets are off, Im getting too old to waste alot of time that I dont have to waste on things that are so sure to drain my life force instead of adding to my life

Whatever you think is grounds for a break-up, is grounds for a break-up.

I hate it when people think I'm supposed to follow these kinds of culturally defined rules for deciding whether to see someone, or continue to see someone.

The rules I follow involve following through with what I say, never lying to someone, and being transparent about changes in my feelings or intentions.

But if I want to break up with someone, I don't have to meet some kind of criteria that other people decide are 'sufficient grounds'. I do need to be fair about the process of breaking up with them...because I believe I ought to be.

-----

For me personally, I don't like dating people who go on negative rants, but I generally don't judge them for it. I find when I really want to rant about something, doing so actually improves my mood. Its totally different that just being plagued by perpetual negative thoughts... its cathartic.

You definitely can not change a person from who they are. It is my personal experience that someone who is always finding the negative in life will eventually bring you down. I do hope things turn around for you/him though.

reminds me of a silly saying my elders have

'negative aint nothing',,,lol

Good point. There is such a thing as good grief. I know Charlie Brown used to say that in the Peanuts strip and slap his head. But grief can change one for the better. It doesn't come at once though. But eventually over time with the help of friends it has the possibility to make one more human. As Socrates said, "The unexamined life isn't worth living." It is useful for cause and effect for positive purposes. It can cause one to count one's blessing and to take a good look at one's self through a real inventory. It gave me the ability to cry after the self pity had run its course. Eventually even the clingy wore off. I sure was a basket case before that happened though. Through helping others who were suffering from the same type of emotional ailment as me it let me see through their eyes how others were seeing me. One simply makes the choice to move on and one then can see the sunlight of the spirit. Recovery is a beautiful thing.

Stick with him for the great sex, then tell him to go home.

When I need my mood lifting, I think on the beautiful first flowers of Spring - the humble Snowdrop. Such fragile little flowers yet they withstand the worst storms. I always think, if they can do it, so can I. They're inspirational.

I do something similar. If I see something of great beauty, I stare at it and commit it to memory so that when I am sad I can pull that image out of the data banks and retrieve it and think of it. One of my favorites is from 1995 when I was in college and I saw a hummingbird drinking out of a fountain on a hot day with flower around in the ag. section at college.

Yes it can be.
But ....
so is indecisiveness.........

I think. well maybe.....
errrr.....or not.....

I dont know.


Yes!!!!!
It is!!!!!

i say break up with him and start dating me... that should help us both out...