This was an interesting article. I'd like to hear what others think.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not "Crazy"
Posted: 9/12/11 04:34 PM ET

You're so sensitive. You're so emotional. You're defensive. You're overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You're crazy! I was just joking, don't you have a sense of humor? You're so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you're a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it's not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling -- that's inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, "Calm down, you're overreacting," after you just addressed someone else's bad behavior, is emotional manipulation, pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It's patently false and unfair.

I think it's time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation, and we need to use a word not found in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term often used by mental health professionals (I am not one) to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they're crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman's husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman's character reacts to it, he tells her she's just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim's perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it's usually because the perpetrator says things like, "You're so stupid," or "No one will ever want you," to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer's character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman's character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I'm addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction -- whether it's anger, frustration, sadness -- in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren't rational or normal.

My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, "You're so sensitive. I'm just joking."

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, "Can't you do something right?" or "Why did I hire you?" are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn't know from these comments that Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, "It doesn't help me when you say these things," she gets the same reaction: "Relax; you're overreacting."

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it's exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, "You're so sensitive," to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn't a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It's a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don't refuse our burdens as easily. It's the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: It renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren't able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can't tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can't tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, "Forget it, it's okay."

That "forget it" isn't just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It's heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, "I'm sorry," before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: "You're late :)"

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don't belong in, who don't follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as "crazy" has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, "Oh, about how crazy we are?"

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don't think this idea that women are "crazy," is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it's connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as "crazy."

I recognize that I've been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends--surprise, surprise). It's shameful, but I'm glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It's about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.

When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, "The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn."

So for many of us, it's first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn't the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women's opinions don't hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn't quite as legitimate?

Very interesting Singmesweet. My abusive live in boyfriend AKA Jerk Face when I threw him out one week after surgery screamed things at me like "You need me. You'll never make it on your own. You need my money" blah blah blah. It's nearly December. I am still making the mortgage payments on a very nice condo with A/C and heater and a washer/dryer and a two car garage. He did try psychological warfare. He told everyone I threw him out so I could remarry my ex husband and he signed me up for every bridal magazine you can think of in my married name I don't use. He refused to forward his mail and also gave my number as his current number. He had people calling and screaming from blocked and unlisted numbers, etc. I changed my number. I talked to the mail person and she made it so his mail went nowhere and as for the magazines, she had me write on them with a Sharpie "REFUSED - NOT ORDERED". Took care of that. Last I heard, he was being bounced from relative to relative because he was pizzing everybody off. In the words of Elton John, "I'm Still Standing" so whose crazy??

Yikes. Sounds like your ex is the crazy one.

Hi singme. I enjoyed that and agree with most of it. I have a question for you. How do you deal (sort of speak) with a person who does things like, change plans without your consent or go back on their word.. with them simply saying "I'm sorry" . They agree what they have done is wrong, offer no solution and expect you to just accept it? And considering..they do not argue or fight with you...just a simple "I'm sorry" .

Good post Emily.
I am sure this will help a lot of women ,and maybe even some men too.

I'd let them know that while I understand circumstances change sometimes, it bothers me when they do this constantly. And I'd let them know that it's important to me that we figure out a way to deal with this, whether it's them being more upfront about making changes, or something else. Somehow, maybe they don't understand that it is a big deal when they do this all the time?

so, what is the manO (condensed) version of that article ???

Read it and provide the condensed version.

I haven't got all week

It's easy enough to read. But, if you don't want to, then we just won't hear your comments on the article.

what were talking about

i wish i had the desire to read all of this.
i'm guessing it has to do with women being overemotional and men telling them this?
i think it's true a lot of times actually.
now as far as the title,
why does it matter if it's a male or female telling you you're not crazy?
a lot of people are.

Me either.
Meet you in the Addicts Lounge
of Mingle2.

ok, you buying ??

This 5-lettered word could be a preventive measure to many relationship issues

Of course not.
Singmesweet will be happy to.
Just to be rid of us.

What 5 lettered word?

If you and others do not wish to read it, that's your choice. It's not that long, so I don't really think there's much need for me to summarize, as it will lose what the author had been trying to say.

But yes, it does have to do with men telling women they're overreacting, being over emotional or being crazy, when the women are reacting to things the men have done.

I think if you want to be seen as an adult then you have to act like an adult. If you want to be a helpless, picked on, victim female then yanking out the gender card every time someone else does only is feeding the wolf.

Getting yourself into, or thinking you are entitled to, a pampered, protected, submissive, even paternal relationship is pretty much picking your own poison. Granted those elements can occassionally exist in an equal and reciprocal relationship isn't it the responsibility of BOTH parties to keep it so?

I think the whole notion that women have a shelf life that ends at the waining of youth and the matenity stage of life is pretty lame. Those women who sell themselves out by staying in bad relationships, even "for the kids", seem to be selling themselves out. Better for kids to be from a broken home than live in one. Which is basiclly my theroy for spouses too.

If someone is chronically telling you something that does not fit your frame of reference for the situation you have two choices.

Either agree and modify your reaction; appropriate if YOU decide you are making a mountain out of a molehill, or not. Self diagnoiseing or allowing a spouse to tell you that you are crazy seems like picking a poor physician to listen too.

Or decide you have gotten yourself in a relationship with a mental defective and exit or find a way to ignore them. Just because someone says something once, or a thousand times, does not make it so. Listening to something a thousand times you know is a lie does sound a little crazy.

The example of a man who is chronically late for a meal and a disrought wife is a perfect place to start.

For one thing why is a grown adult cooking for another grown adult? Because one is supporting the other? It is their turn? One wanted to cook and the other didn't? One knows how to cook better than the other? (Sorry lack of skill doesn't really get very far with me for long.) One has come to a clear agreement to provide a service to another? Or is this some overly loaded emotional fantasy where one is suppose to arrive at a designated moment eternally greatful to have some kind of display of attention that the other did their job? Is the cooking just part of an overall thankless job? Is the cook overly invested in applause for the meal because they assign that as the one task that is noticed? Is the meal just a meal or some master art work creation? Is the late arrival trying to say it was my choice to be late? Or the cook had a responsibility to adjust to such sometimes unforseen delays? Is the "don't be so upset" remark a comfort? Could the late arrival not intend to insult? Does the late recipient forfit his right to the offering if they don't punch the clock at the precise moment to pass go? Did the cook only cook to have companionship for the meal or so they could eat? Why was the recipient late? Is there some law against just leaveing a plate set? Isn't stale food a natural consequence someone is allowed to have? Personally I have found not cooking for someone who is inconsiderate works very well. So does serving something cold, burnt, or monotonous. I have been known to put a plate on the table with a sticker saying "I don't know or I don't care" and fixing my own and it is amazeing how "contributory" the responses get when it comes to addressing the chore.

People who continue work relationships with jerks may or maynot be digging their own grave. Something to be said for endureing for a paycheck.Even if it is meager it is some measure of justice. So would be doing a poor job but then sometimes that is just cutting your nose off to spite your own face. My best revenge is to become as indespencible as possible and then quit at the worst possible moment. Men have to work intolerable jobs all the time and they don't get to pull the gender card. Besides hello in the real world work can be a job if it wasn't then it would be called play. Women do have choices where they work just like men. You have a jerk for a boss learn some skills and move on to a better job or create your own. Many women run their own bussinesses. And make a lot more money doing it. Some are great bosses and others are just as much tyrants as their male counter parts. Part of the reason work places are as hostile as they are is women not banning together to conquer a common enemy. My feeling is if you work for a bully long you are just a wuss.

Pretty much the same holds true for miserable personal relationships.

Some jerk tried to play the Gaslight scenario on me I would fix the light and probably fix him when I found out what he was up too. Remembering Revenge is a dish best served cold. Only way this scenario works is when a female pretends to be helpless and buys into the BS some guy is saying has to be true when it doesn't make sense. Might make a movie and even some psycological babble therory but if you apply it only to women then you are just a sexist not a true feminist. Women who are truely for women hold them accountable.