Two days ago, on Sunday, while picking up my daughter for the week home with me, I inadvertently 'crashed' my ex-husband's wedding.

Now, I'm not concerned that he's married (seriously, good riddance!), but what I am concerned about is that I hardly know this woman who now has a significant place in my daughter's life. One of the things that drove my ex and I apart, were our drastic differences and beliefs regarding parenting. I think it's safe to say that I'm not going to see eye-to-eye with the new wife, either. How do I handle this? I don't know her all too well (but I think I should know her better), but so far, she seems nice enough. I don't like that when I picked up my daughter I was quickly asked to leave, as if I was some transient pilfering for leftovers in the dumpster. I think it could have been handled much more professionally and much more respectfully, and I certainly hope that my being told to leave wasn't because the bride had requested it. I was only there so long to find my 7-year old, allow her to say goodbye to her father, new step-sister, and a few other family members, and I was on my way. I wasn't disruptive... but I digress (sorry... still a sore spot-- it was rude, and unnecessary, what can I say). Oh, and I don't like that she was wearing makeup at seven years old.

So my question is: How do I handle my daughter's 'other' household, who holds different parenting values than mine? Am I going to be outnumbered by default? She spends more of her time with me, but I don't want all of the back and forth to be a burden/stressor on my little girl, either...

Help!

I think your first and primary communication should be with her father. You and he are her parents and need to try to be adults in deciding what is best for HER. I dont understand why he would be having a wedding on the day you are supposed to pick her up without first warning you though.

Children can never have too many 'homes' and if she were going to be a part of your home and a part of your ex home, this was going to happen eventually.

ID say the best thing you can do is express your concern to the ex. Put all your questions on the table. Put out your concerns and let him respond. At least, its what I would do. And after speaking alone with him, I would sit down with he and his new wife as a couple to discuss what my wants are for my daughter and to hear what their plans are and where we might compromise.

i just got custody of my 7 year old daughter no one will ever i repeat ever tell me anything especially some jerk off step parent you have to say what u feel.or just do what i did got an order of protection against the step father or i bust his jaw...but this was a little more fun, i would snap if my daughter came home with makeup.like i said to the step parent your views or choices do not matter its not your kid and you have no say...when you are sweet and polite that is when they think they can get over on you if my daughter comes home nasty etc.i put her in her place there isnt any playing both sides of the fence i got sole custody and its my way or ill see the ''mother'' in court

bad choice for your ex to get married and not give you a heads up. bad choice for you to realize what was happening and not stay away (send a mutual friend in or call and ask for your daughter to be brought out)

it's all about communication, but couples who are separated are mostly likely there because they couldn't communicate in the first place. the way the child is raised when not with you is something you are going to have to put up with, unless abuse is happening. instill the moral lessons you want, but do not degrade the lessons the child learns when away (unless those concepts are generally accepted as illegal, immoral, or just plain wrong) unfortunately, the child is going to have to abandon childish thoughts and make adult decisions which may bring on resentment on one or both parents. try not to play into the game of it's "funner" here than there

you have a long hard road ahead of you, godspeed

I dunno, i've had bad luck in that department. Unfortunately my daughters mom is pure trash(I was in high school, she wasn't so bad at the time) the guy she married is even worse. They are on kid number 6 now and neither have a job and live in a motel.

I am on the vurge of full custody after the step dad hit my daughter and her step sister(and some other things id rather not get into), and I was ready to kill the guy. Eventually after all the courts played out I got to put him into a wall and explained to him that if he EVER puts his hands on my daughter again that I will put my hands on him.....Sometimes the direct approach works.

All though kids are smart. They look at both sides and know the difference. If shes with you most of the time she will realize right from wrong, and if not you can correct it(also I wouldn't bad mouth the father or the step mother in front of her though, that only makes things worse).

I think lpdon is right. Children are smart and you might be stuck in the situation where "that stuff doesn't fly here." Children adapt to changing conditions easier than we do. As long as you smother her with plenty of love she'll be okay with it.

BTW: I went berserk when my 3 year old came home with earrings! When she was 11 I let her have them and told her mom she needed to learn how to wear makeup. They grow up on ya.

I have to agree with ese here

and at the risk of making people mad, I am sorry if i do

But really a step parent will have a large influence on a childs life.
I have 6 children and as i have been married before my children have stepparents. Now i can be happy that they have more people in their lives to share their love with and that can be a great thing.

My children where always taught that they needed to treat the other parent partners with respect and love, this made the childrens lives much easier, to have a stepparent who like the child is very important.

As for what they believe and teach, well the father is still the father and if he teaches differently without it is dangerous that is his right, we as mothers or fathers are only their to nurture and bring up our children as best we can. That means not putting them in difficult situations and letting them be happy in each home without having to worry about the other parent complaing about what each is doing.

And I guess you need to understand that it was her wedding, she probably did not really want to have you there, no matter what terms you where on, it was her day, her wedding so it probably would have been best to have headed off as quickly as possible without being asked.

Hope it all works out for you.

How would it make us mad you agree with ese josie? I agree with lpdon last paragraph, although I have had a run-in (my right fist breaking his nose) with a "step" boyfriend who struck my niece. Maybe that is why I am sympathetic to lpdon post? Ese gave good advice imo.

Excellent. I also agree. We were raised, and I raise my children, that whatever home you are in, you are under HOUSE rules. Adjusting isnt hard with that in mind. If there is an issue with rules, of course, the adults have the responsibility to talk about it between themself and not put children in the middle.


When my son stayed with his father. I made sure to meet the stepmom and I spoke with BOTH of them because she had children too. I wanted to know what the rules were in her house and I wanted to ask her not to treat our son differently than hers. I didnt want the children to grow up feeling resentment toward each other as they often do when they sense 'special' treatment of one or more other children.

Part of that was not only, rewarding him as she did hers, feeding him as she did hers, being participant in his interests as she did her, but also imposing the same rules and disciplines on him as she did hers.

I think of a home as a family unit that must work together, regardless of biology.

I should clarify the whole wedding thing. I knew he was getting married ahead of time. I knew I'd be picking my daughter up from the wedding, as that is what was arranged. I had tried to contact him several hours before because, of course, I didn't want to intrude. When I arrived, I did my utmost to NOT go into the party, but no one (staff at the venue included) seemed interested in helping me. Since I was left to my own devices and the groom (my ex) didn't seem to have his cell phone on him (understandably), I had no choice but to walk in. Once I finally got my daughter, she asked to say goodbye to her dad and his new wife. I said yes and as I was waiting for her to say goodbye, is when I was asked to leave.

I appreciate everyone's advice.

I spoke to the ex on the phone a few hours ago, and I talked about a few of my concerns. Generally, it seems as though my daughter is much more well-behaved with me than she is with him. I told him that I don't exactly know what had happened for me to be asked to leave, as I was being as least intrusive as possible, given the situation. From his comments, it would seem as though *someone* complained that I was there. Oh well.

Totally agree, Msharmony. I spoke to my ex a few hours ago, and I told him that I'd like to get to know his new wife better. This is now a person that is going to have a significant influence in my daughter's life, and it is very important to me to just know her. We don't have to be friends or anything, but we also don't have to fall into being enemies because of the place we find ourselves in.

Try and be cordial with both of them and anytime you make contact record your conversation and remain calm if/when he/they become belligerent and after 6 months to a year of recordings get a lawyer and sue for full custody. If they are both ******** to you and you have them recorded you can make a case that it is not a safe environment for kids, especially if they become trheatening. Sounds to me like you have real concerns about daddy and new mommy.

accept that being asked to leave may very well have come from the bride and it is now HER home u are going to - let that go because it is a situation where u have no control and ur opinion won't matter regarding that

I think the more accepting you are of her territory (tho it was once yours) the more accepting she will be in cooperating with your parental ideas. . never know, she may also not agree with your ex regarding parenting

and the silver lining is that u may get to see a lot more of your daughter while dad is busy as a newly wed

^ this

Just thought I would put in from a stepmums side.
i have thought about this and honestly I would not want my mans ex in our home.
At first when i was there I invited her in and we talked as I wanted to get to know her and hopefully work together a little.

but honestly it didnt work, not because we dont talk but just because when she came into the home , she had to tell her son what to do, brush your teeth , have you had a shower blah blah blah, and yep i know she is his Mum, however she is there to pick him up, we are looking after him, what she does when she leaves the house is up to her, but in my home where he is my responsability she needs to respect how i do things and show him a little respect as well,.

if she had come into the house without thinking she had the right to judge me and how we where raising him while in our care then I would have happily had her back.

Gosh this sort of sounds yucky, but sometimes it sucks being a stepmum if the other person is constantly checking over your shoulder.

Witty, hey,


I'm just reading your Post now, I felt I had to just say what I think about it, from my point of view.

Let it go.
Let your ex-husband and his (new) wife on his side do their thing.

After your son get's back, you ASK him; How it was, what was good, what was (he thought) not good.

You'll be able to evaluate properly.
Make sure YOU yourself can relax, work on getting your own life comfortable, and fill it with good energy of your own.

Don't judge so fast, don't hold a grudge, don't warn or forbid your Son to go there or not-do-somethings-there.

You'd be surprised things will turn out good, maybe better as you thought, but provided you can take a helicopter-view on the whole situation.
Your Peace on the whole, it also works through your son, onto your Ex's situation.
And the best for everybody, that's something you should be happy with.

You'll have to live with "them" for the rest of your life, there's 'no escape'. And that shouldn't be necessary.
So take a step back, relax, focus on yourself, and ... be happy.

bye,
Hans

Maintain a very healthy open and honest relationship with your daughter ,as well as your ex. The fact that your daughter spends more time with you should be a blessings,becasue it now gives you the chance to raise her not only accordingly,but in a way that you feel would be appropriate for her to be able to make well informed decisions,as she grows up and experiences new things and changes outsdie your realm of control.
For her sake you and ex need to be civil at least,love is what we alll need really ,love and overstanding:-)

This is interesting (and a new perspective is very appreciated)... While you say that you were offended that the mother took charge while at your home, I would honestly say that I would probably behave in the same way that she did. She took charge of her son. Her son. I think it would have been irresponsible of her to play subordinate to you because she was in your home. I don't feel that her actions/words were intended to imply any negativity or judgement against you. But this is only my impression from the short description you give of the event. Had I entered into the home of my ex and his wife to pick up my daughter, I'd immediately take charge of her.

It's possible that I'm not understanding fully, but I'm imagining the scenario in my head, and I could definitely see myself (especially if we weren't heading straight home, for example), "sweetheart go wash your face and brush your hair before we leave..." type of thing. While my ex and his wife does have primacy over their home (of course), I still think I should have primacy (parenting wise) over my daughter (vs. the stepmom; not necessarily my ex). Regardless of what household she is in.

Thanks Hans.

I am actually very happy in general. My life is full and I can't say that I'd change a single thing, given the opportunity. My question was initially posed as a "hey this is new... and I have some concerns... I need some input" type of thing. I know for a fact that the stepmother and I share some different perspectives. I can appreciate/respect that. Her and I are polar opposites. On everything from personality to religion (and I assume politics, etc). She's submissive and very old-fashioned. Very into trends and femininity... I'm more into independence, promoting strength and intellect over relying on outward appearance. I despise the idea of children wearing makeup. I think that even nail polish on a young little girl sends the wrong message to her.

So, the issue that I'm having (if you can call it that), is that there is this new influence in my baby's life, and that influence is entirely out of my control.

I have no ill-will toward this woman at all. I just don't have the personality that cares at all for holding grudges. It gives people too much power. Anyways, she hasn't done anything necessarily bad or incriminating. She seems to be a very nice lady. If I had to be upset about the events at the wedding, then I'd have to say that it was my ex's lack of planning in that he (a) knew I was coming; (b) knew that there would be no one else for me to contact EXCEPT for him; (c) and didn't arrange to have someone (an event planner/staffer) to assist when I arrived so I wouldn't have had to walk in to the reception...

I hope that in the end, my daughter will be strengthened by the diverse set of adults that she has to use as role models.

You have gotten some good feed back, polite and diplomatic; even empathetic. Since you seem to be a woman of strong will I am going to be more direct.

Walking into your Ex husband's and his new bride's wedding reception; which pretty obviousely, you were not invited to, for even a minute and saying it was necessary is something I just do not buy.

It sounds to me like you made something of a scene making a big deal out of telling your child to say an additional fairwell when you could have quietly and respectfully stayed in a area outside of the reception. My suggestion would have been to set at the curb with your cell phne in hand if necessary given the activity that you KNEW was going on. And sent any number of persons or staff with a note and a tip if need be to have your daughter brought out without intrudeing or demanding immediate attention. Yes you might have had to waited a little longer or missed the chance to check out an intimate moment in your daughter's life with her father and new step-mother but that is the cost of divorce.

Painful yes but if you keep up this kind of behavior you can guarantee being left out a lot more. Fair warning; maybe, since your daughter is obviously close to her Daddy, your own daughter's wedding as He gets to walk her down the aisle. Seven turns to seventeen in the blink of an eye and you are fueling a calander that could burn off the wall if you don't knock it off.

That you do not like your child wearing makeup at her Father's wedding or whenever she is in his care custody and control for visitation is just tough cookies. I am obviously not a fan of makeup, but perhaps you would have preferred she been left out of the frills an fru fru, that probably as a little girl was something she greatly enjoyed and made her feel included rather than excluded. And; as a side light, probsbly made her photograph in a manner that she didn't look washed out. I really doubt Daddy let it go too far overboard. But if you make it an issue he is pretty certain to up the anti and make it permissable on a daily basis.

The real consequences of Your remarks have however pretty much assured that you will not get copies of any of the pictures that she was in for yourself or your daughter. Something she will surely resent sooner or later.

It most certainly sounds like you want something to be upset about and all that is going to do is spoil the experience for your child and make her feel that she is doing something wrong following the direction of her Father and his new co-parent. Especially when you point out a difference in her behavior that might not have been a problem until you tried to make her and the fact that she was leaving with you, the center of attention at the wedding even if for only "breifly". Come on you are a bright woman and new better than this behavior and if anything owe the bride a profuse apology.

To call him on his wedding night, or soon there after, to complain that you were not recieved in a "hospitable" manner for "crashing" the reception and try to rehash parenting standards sounds petty and acrimonious. If you are lucky he is not recording your public posts or phone calls. Or your prescence at his wedding uninvited; not likely since you were told to leave and sounds like escorted out. Not real smart.Your really lucky you were not arrested. Which the Bride's parent's who probably paid for the wedding would have been more within their rights to do for upsetting their daughter on her wedding day.

Yet another nail in your Custody coffin if you continue to push the envelope. My suggestion is that you chill your behavior immediately. Or the custody you now enjoy could change. Along with the liberation in women's right Judges are quite happy to now honor Father's rights and hand over custody to a happily now married Father. If you make yourself out to be that dictatorial Exwife trying to disrupt the sanctity of a child's relationship with a father that is actively effecting visitation and marrying someone defined by your own discription as "traditional, feminine, and submissive" you will suffer miserably. Custody disputes are not only costly, they are time consumeing, and envasive. How would you like to have to pay to set through counseling and or parenting classes? Something routinely court ordered when judges and officers of the court see this kind of drama start in an innocent kid's life.

As will your child. If she is ordered into "divorce kid's counseling she will think it is her fault. And I really don't think you want that. Especially when a smart little kid can easily adapt between two divergent parenting styles and even benifit from it.

Especially if you make yourself find a mind set that says your daughter can learn to respect all kinds of women and honor their lifesyles without making one superior to the other. It will most certainly help her to accept and honor the person she becomes which I can almost guarantee will be a delightful blend of the best of all that love her. Or a miserable, depressed, anxious woman who second guesses her world and her choices if her Mother betrays her trying to win a fight that by the very act of birth gives her the winning touchdown.