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| Topic: Honesty when it comes to dating... | |
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I would hope that all of us want to be honest and want others to be honest when it comes to dating. But, it seems that many of us have different ways of thinking when it comes to what's honest and what's not. 1. Are there specific things someone must say or do to make you think they're being honest about what they're looking for? 2. Do you have certain qualifications that someone must meet in order to believe they're being honest? 3. Do you believe that someone who would rather date and get to know each other to see how things go before bringing up marriage is less honest than someone saying they want a husband or wife upfront? By the way, the idea for this thread did come from other recent threads, but I am not referencing anyone specific. Just looking for different ideas from people here. 1. No. I would hope if you are looking for something you would be honest about what you are looking for. At the same time, I don't think most people really know what they want until they find it. 2. I guess a history of honesty with me would be nice, but if we are talking about some I've just met, I take everyting with a grain of salt. 3. No, both is honest IMO. If you aren't sure, you wouldn't be being honest if you said you were or weren't seeking marraige with that person. For me personally, I'm not looking for marriage as an end goal. I don't need a gov. contract stating that I am commited to a woman. I can faithfully spend the rest of my life with a woman with out signing a piece of paper saying I'll do so. Divorce is expensive and with the divorce rate in this country, I don't pretend that I'll be an exception. I just don't see the point in marraige, what does it really do for your relationship? |
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I think "it all comes out in the wash", dating is a process that sometimes you know right when you meet them that their goals are different than what you want and then sometimes what they want gradually reveals itself over time.Face it, some people are better at "word play" than others, they know all the right words/terms to tell someone.
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On the attraction issue the guy is more than likely waiting for you to say something out of being polite to you. They know that your tired of getting hit on for meaningless sex so they usually wait for you to open the attraction door. Again if it's a mature fellow he's not going to read it wrong. If the wrong guy thinks the wrong thing, well he's wrong for you. I've had women do the attraction thing to me both ways and the slow approach went right over my head. I prefer a woman say it and I'll take it as it is. Ha! You just sorta proved my point. So the guy is just being polite when all he wants is meaningless sex? Why not just say that? I would have more respect for the guy that walks up to me in a bar and says "Hey baby, I wanna take you home and screw the hell out of you and never call you again" than the guy who asks you out that night, kisses you on the cheek after the dinner date, says he wants to take it slow and then dumps you after you finally give it up once you've developed feelings for him. All he really wanted was meaningless sex but he wanted to be polite about getting it! The second guy is more of a bastard than the first in my book. As for me personally, I'm blunt. If I want to sleep with you on the first date, fifth date, five months after we meet, whenever, you'll know it. I'm not ashamed of my feelings and I try to be as clear as I can be in my intentions. Like you said, if the guy is offended, he's not the guy for me. I keep on keeping on and someday I'm going to find someone that's on the same page and wants what I want. I get accused of being brutally honest though and I always plead guilty as charged. I'd rather lay my cards on the table and lose than hold my tongue and wonder what could have been. One of my favorite sayings is "A hungry closed mouth will never get fed." I was talking about the attraction side of it not the jump your bones side of it lol. But your view works as well. |
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I would hope that all of us want to be honest and want others to be honest when it comes to dating. But, it seems that many of us have different ways of thinking when it comes to what's honest and what's not. Are there specific things someone must say or do to make you think they're being honest about what they're looking for? Do you have certain qualifications that someone must meet in order to believe they're being honest? Do you believe that someone who would rather date and get to know each other to see how things go before bringing up marriage is less honest than someone saying they want a husband or wife upfront? By the way, the idea for this thread did come from other recent threads, but I am not referencing anyone specific. Just looking for different ideas from people here. I trust everyone at face value and give them a chance before I label them as honest or not. I assume people date to find a mate, just they are not as bold about it. |
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For me, personally, I have always put everything out there right up front. That's why my profile has always had my medical condition on it, even when I was actively looking for someone to date. But, I don't think it's dishonest to withhold personal information for a short period of time. If you ask someone out a third time though....it's time to start talking. Well if you can do it so can I. I usually don't mention my condition until we meet and they see I am "okay." I have ESRD and wait on an organ transplant. Other than taking 30 pills all the time I feel just fine, thank you. |
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Edited by
Monier
on
Wed 08/10/11 05:50 PM
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I have been 'dating' two women recently and now possibly a third. There is nothing serious going on, just going out and having fun together. This is all happening while I have an extremely busy work life. These three ladies are all incredibly different people with different interests. By the way we get along, one is likely to become a very good friend, another is very in tune with my cool and geeky gamer side, and the other would be an incredible emotional match.
The great part of being a man is that I don't have to choose one. You men know I'm right, THEY choose us. I can only be romantically involved with one person, and if that happens, it will be only her. So tell me please, is volunteering information about others you are dating all part of dating honesty, or is it a dating no no and a turn off? When a girl tells me about her other dates, I tend to think she is not really interested in me. |
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So tell me please, is volunteering information about others you are dating all part of dating honesty, or is it a dating no no and a turn off? When a girl tells me about her other dates, I tend to think she is not really interested in me. She is thinking the same. |
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Edited by
singmesweet
on
Thu 08/11/11 07:44 AM
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I have been 'dating' two women recently and now possibly a third. There is nothing serious going on, just going out and having fun together. This is all happening while I have an extremely busy work life. These three ladies are all incredibly different people with different interests. By the way we get along, one is likely to become a very good friend, another is very in tune with my cool and geeky gamer side, and the other would be an incredible emotional match. The great part of being a man is that I don't have to choose one. You men know I'm right, THEY choose us. I can only be romantically involved with one person, and if that happens, it will be only her. So tell me please, is volunteering information about others you are dating all part of dating honesty, or is it a dating no no and a turn off? When a girl tells me about her other dates, I tend to think she is not really interested in me. I don't need to hear about someone's dates. But, I do think it's important for those dating more than one person to make sure others know that. Then again, if a guy I'm seeing is also seeing other women, I tend to think he's not all that interested in me. I also don't understand the part about being a man and not having to choose. |
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Its my personality to be straightforward and honest. Its to me very important in a relationship. I once dated this very sweet american boy we emaild for a few months and when we met, it was love at first sight.he found me atractive and i found him atractive and believe it or not he loved my personality and then after a few dates he said were ending the relationship cause he know im looking for a husband and hes nothe husband type,he told me he travels alot and have many girlfriends and it wouldnt be right of him tag me along and makempty promises cause he nevr wanto get maried and he knows im a decent girl thats wants a relatiönship with one man only and he cant give me what i want.sigh hes honesty made me wanted him even more. Iwonder if all american men are so kind and honest,then i want one of those,please,however i want one thats interested in mariage. Being honest and straightforward makes people respect you more. When you lie, you cheat yourself out of a nice relationship.
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Edited by
Monier
on
Thu 08/11/11 03:55 PM
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The great part of being a man is that I don't have to choose one. You men know I'm right, THEY choose us. I dont know what youre sayin here. Do you mean women decide whether you become romantically involved and that its out of your hands? You dont make sense to me here. Nope. The romantically involved reference was in a different sentence of mine. Men usually make quicker decisions about liking women. Believing that, take into account the increased likelihood that a women's decision to like a man is more complicated and voila, men are often left waiting for a woman's decision while he has already made one of his own. Think of a puppy begging somebody for the scraps of food that they are holding. The puppy knows for darn sure that he wants the food, but only the person holding the scraps truly knows when the puppy will be given them. Often the person with the treats wants to be amused by the puppy before giving the reward for entertainment. Courting. It may sound old fashioned, but it's still true. The desire to impress the person they want to be with is often so great, that some people will lie about themselves to make it happen. Is'nt the dating game so wonderful? |
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The great part of being a man is that I don't have to choose one. You men know I'm right, THEY choose us. I dont know what youre sayin here. Do you mean women decide whether you become romantically involved and that its out of your hands? You dont make sense to me here. Nope. The romantically involved reference was in a different sentence of mine. Men usually make quicker decisions about liking women. Believing that, take into account the increased likelihood that a women's decision to like a man is more complicated and voila, men are often left waiting for a woman's decision while he has already made one of his own. Thats interesting, I didnt know that. What do men do while theyre waiting? Drive themselves crazy, get impatient and make themselves look foolish, screw up sometimes, watch ESPN. My friend once told me that women are the last to decide they want to be with somebody and the first to decide that they don't. God I hope that she's wrong 
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The great part of being a man is that I don't have to choose one. You men know I'm right, THEY choose us. I dont know what youre sayin here. Do you mean women decide whether you become romantically involved and that its out of your hands? You dont make sense to me here. Nope. The romantically involved reference was in a different sentence of mine. Men usually make quicker decisions about liking women. Believing that, take into account the increased likelihood that a women's decision to like a man is more complicated and voila, men are often left waiting for a woman's decision while he has already made one of his own. Thats interesting, I didnt know that. What do men do while theyre waiting? Drive themselves crazy, get impatient and make themselves look foolish, screw up sometimes, watch ESPN. My friend once told me that women are the last to decide they want to be with somebody and the first to decide that they don't. God I hope that she's wrong Aw, how frustrating. Why does it take longer, I wonder? We have to prove ourselves. Prove that we are not just sweet talkers, that we're not like the other guys. It takes time, and it should. If you jumped right into bed with us, you'd mean nothing. How many women can pick an honest man out of a group of liars? |
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The great part of being a man is that I don't have to choose one. You men know I'm right, THEY choose us. I dont know what youre sayin here. Do you mean women decide whether you become romantically involved and that its out of your hands? You dont make sense to me here. Nope. The romantically involved reference was in a different sentence of mine. Men usually make quicker decisions about liking women. Believing that, take into account the increased likelihood that a women's decision to like a man is more complicated and voila, men are often left waiting for a woman's decision while he has already made one of his own. Think of a puppy begging somebody for the scraps of food that they are holding. The puppy knows for darn sure that he wants the food, but only the person holding the scraps truly knows when the puppy will be given them. Often the person with the treats wants to be amused by the puppy before giving the reward for entertainment. Courting. It may sound old fashioned, but it's still true. The desire to impress the person they want to be with is often so great, that some people will lie about themselves to make it happen. Is'nt the dating game so wonderful? Do you actually talk to the women you're dating about this, or do you just wait? |
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Edited by
Monier
on
Thu 08/18/11 01:55 AM
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The great part of being a man is that I don't have to choose one. You men know I'm right, THEY choose us. I dont know what youre sayin here. Do you mean women decide whether you become romantically involved and that its out of your hands? You dont make sense to me here. Nope. The romantically involved reference was in a different sentence of mine. Men usually make quicker decisions about liking women. Believing that, take into account the increased likelihood that a women's decision to like a man is more complicated and voila, men are often left waiting for a woman's decision while he has already made one of his own. Think of a puppy begging somebody for the scraps of food that they are holding. The puppy knows for darn sure that he wants the food, but only the person holding the scraps truly knows when the puppy will be given them. Often the person with the treats wants to be amused by the puppy before giving the reward for entertainment. Courting. It may sound old fashioned, but it's still true. The desire to impress the person they want to be with is often so great, that some people will lie about themselves to make it happen. Is'nt the dating game so wonderful? Do you actually talk to the women you're dating about this, or do you just wait? I would, but I've noticed that the more you talk about feelings right away, the more you're likely to be considered 'just friends' material. You can't appear to be soul searching in dating. When you first start seeing people, it is always best to show that you have it all together and not give the wrong impression. I save those conversations for people I know or perhaps the internet. There are much more interesting things to talk about while dating somebody. While dating sites have made it alot easier for us to meet each other, they have also given us the option to become incredibly picky. Honesty is also a matter of perspective for most people. I can be a decent and great guy and being honest, and I will always share information with others that I feel need to know, but the open book approach rarely happens for me right away. I will open up gradually as I get comfortable with somebody, because I am still taking the risk that I might be meeting somebody that's very jaded or perhaps has some psychosis that I am a liar no matter what I say. I guess it comes down to trust. Can I trust? of course I can, no issues here, and at the same time I am a very trustworthy person and I expect others to notice that as we get to know each other. If they can't or won't, they can move along. |
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I would hope that all of us want to be honest and want others to be honest when it comes to dating. But, it seems that many of us have different ways of thinking when it comes to what's honest and what's not. Good point. There are degrees of honesty. I like Huckleberry Finn's version from the book by Samuel Clemens. "Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies." That is the truth part. But on the book cover it honestly says that the book was wrote by Mark Twain. So is truth in advertising different from being honest? Are there specific things someone must say or do to make you think they're being honest about what they're looking for? I have found that in the 12 step meetings I go to in repetitions. The military refers to this as redundancy. Redundancy and repetitiousness can be good because deviations of such show up apparently. Like when we see the flaw of a diamond or a person in the same view. Are they defendant of their perceptions? In some questionnaires a question can be asked in many different ways to see if the applicant really feels one way or another about a certain thing. So is honesty conditional? Do you have certain qualifications that someone must meet in order to believe they're being honest? Aw. Nicely put. Is honesty conditional upon belief? Do we actually know anybody? What is trust and is it conditional? Is the virtuality of a person different from their virtuosity? Do we actually get to know a person better from real life encounter where we don't have the advantage of getting to know them from an Online encounter? Is an Offline encounter with them more trustworthy in terms of belief? Is there a purgatory fine line between the virtual world and the real world? How well do actually have to know a person before we commit to a date with a person? Would we be happier not to know some people at all? Do you believe that someone who would rather date and get to know each other to see how things go before bringing up marriage is less honest than someone saying they want a husband or wife upfront? Our opinions can change from one moment to the next. Do some people see marriage as a date? Is commitment conditional? Is there anything that is not conditional? Is it easier on another's ego to be let down from a date or from a marriage? Does that mean that some people would rather date than get married? Is marriage a way to get out of dating? Is marriage scarier than dating for some or vice versa? By the way, the idea for this thread did come from other recent threads, but I am not referencing anyone specific. Just looking for different ideas from people here. |
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well we can't control what others will say, that has to be a given. I take people at face value unless I have a substantial reason to do otherwise = benefit of the doubt. Have I been hurt a few times this way- ummm ya. That doesn't mean the next man I date is going to lie tho
I agree the best way to avoid the serial shaggers is to wait for monogamy to shag....and that is if that is also important to you. That way if the person you're talking to is lieing about their intentions it will come to light before you become initimate, hopefully. (Most serial shaggers won't wait around long enough .... and that clears up any doubt too AND people, this is also why you get the vanishing act on here BTW) And no, I do not agree that most here are in it for the sex only. I talk to men who want a partner - or at least say that, and act that way too. I like to be friends and get to know someone because I think it increases the quality of intimacy as that begins to unfold. I like to be open to friendships with all kinds of men and just see how things go. To me, monogamy is something we agree on verbally - not assumed. I think those who want relationships of some kind versus the casual sex people, will tend to communicate more often in that group. I actually have very positive feelings towrds those I talk with as a friend who are here for casual sex because at least they are being honest about it. |
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Thu 08/18/11 06:44 AM
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On the attraction issue the guy is more than likely waiting for you to say something out of being polite to you. They know that your tired of getting hit on for meaningless sex so they usually wait for you to open the attraction door. Again if it's a mature fellow he's not going to read it wrong. If the wrong guy thinks the wrong thing, well he's wrong for you. I've had women do the attraction thing to me both ways and the slow approach went right over my head. I prefer a woman say it and I'll take it as it is. Ha! You just sorta proved my point. So the guy is just being polite when all he wants is meaningless sex? Why not just say that? I would have more respect for the guy that walks up to me in a bar and says "Hey baby, I wanna take you home and screw the hell out of you and never call you again" than the guy who asks you out that night, kisses you on the cheek after the dinner date, says he wants to take it slow and then dumps you after you finally give it up once you've developed feelings for him. All he really wanted was meaningless sex but he wanted to be polite about getting it! The second guy is more of a bastard than the first in my book. As for me personally, I'm blunt. If I want to sleep with you on the first date, fifth date, five months after we meet, whenever, you'll know it. I'm not ashamed of my feelings and I try to be as clear as I can be in my intentions. Like you said, if the guy is offended, he's not the guy for me. I keep on keeping on and someday I'm going to find someone that's on the same page and wants what I want. I get accused of being brutally honest though and I always plead guilty as charged. I'd rather lay my cards on the table and lose than hold my tongue and wonder what could have been. One of my favorite sayings is "A hungry closed mouth will never get fed." I would have more respect for the guy that walks up to me in a bar and says "Hey baby, I wanna take you home and screw the hell out of you and never call you again" than the guy who asks you out that night, kisses you on the cheek after the dinner date, says he wants to take it slow and then dumps you after you finally give it up once you've developed feelings for him. All he really wanted was meaningless sex but he wanted to be polite about getting it! The second guy is more of a bastard than the first in my book. ^ Exactly my point above misswright regarding my friendships with the casual sex people here GREAT post overall missW. |
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For those who date more than one person at a time, do you let each person know what's going on?
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I have been 'dating' two women recently and now possibly a third. There is nothing serious going on, just going out and having fun together. This is all happening while I have an extremely busy work life. These three ladies are all incredibly different people with different interests. By the way we get along, one is likely to become a very good friend, another is very in tune with my cool and geeky gamer side, and the other would be an incredible emotional match. The great part of being a man is that I don't have to choose one. You men know I'm right, THEY choose us. I can only be romantically involved with one person, and if that happens, it will be only her. So tell me please, is volunteering information about others you are dating all part of dating honesty, or is it a dating no no and a turn off? When a girl tells me about her other dates, I tend to think she is not really interested in me. I don't need to hear about someone's dates. But, I do think it's important for those dating more than one person to make sure others know that. Then again, if a guy I'm seeing is also seeing other women, I tend to think he's not all that interested in me. I also don't understand the part about being a man and not having to choose. well said! I do not talk about other men I am talking to or dating IRL, but if the subjects comes up I will mention in passing that I am "playing the field" if he is seeing other women I also feel he's not that interested....so since the shoe fits both feet, I will tell him that he is my "choice" if that is true that is why I said previously that monogamy is something discussed not assumed (I was accused of cheating once but just that week prior he had dissed me on committing!!!! MEN  )
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For those who date more than one person at a time, do you let each person know what's going on? With casual dating (no sex - just dating) I do not feel obligated to disclose my personal business I don;t go out of my way on disclosures......until it becomes his business to know my business...and no time table there....and I don;t like it when a date probes & questions either. |
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