Great topic. Thanks for bringing it up.
After leaving home for the first time I was about seven and my older sister was a year older. We were running away from home in Germany and off base as my dad was on base with us. I guess it was the first time I tried to redefine myself. My sister said after we had walked for a long time that it was time to turn around and go back. We were young and didn't know the German language. On the Army base we were used to everyone speaking our native English. Or at-least most people that we could understand. Mom and dad had divorced before I was three. My sister and my step mother didn't get along. At first I didn't get along with step mother either but we bonded because we both related to the abuse dad was giving both of us. I would have gone on running away. With step mother as a friend living or surviving became tolerable.
Ten years later the Army gave me my second chance to run away as my real mom signed for me to join the Army National Guard. A few months of after going through Basic and AIT I went AWOL. I ran away then from the service for ten months. For some insane reason then I joined the Air Force because it gave me clearance from the Guard. That lasted until we were asked if anyone wanted to leave, My hand was one of the first to go up. So I got a honorable from the Guard and the Air Force. During my running I got married and that lasted for four years. My ex then wanted a divorce and I started running again. Stopped into a treatment center which lasted for five years. But then we got remarried for thirteen years. Then I wanted a divorce from her. And started running again. Married a different lady but then she died after six and a half years. During the time with her I didn't have much of a desire to run. I was happy. But when she died I wanted to run again. Found out that the only thing that keeps me stable is the program. Twenty seven years and counting I still have the support.

This is a really great statement ((((Winterblue)))))

Melding in a relationship takes time. And yes, if the relationship ends, the places that were melded seem to need to be redefined.


Blending does happen if the relationship lasts for any length of time...and it's wonderful. I have "redefined" myself throughout the years after a relationship ends, and have decided to keep some of the memories that made us happy. It could have been a certain look, a special saying or even a mannerism that was used. It's a way for me to keep that love in my heart even tho our lives together were over. Sometimes relationships end bitterly or sadly; but aftr time, usually, the bad disolves and the happy remains. We need to hang on to all of it to learn from it. To try and not repeat our past mistakes.

OK, but I never say "Don't change me" at the beginning. I've always assumed that was a given. If you feel the need to change me, you shouldn't be with me in the first place.

And I never really felt any need to bring that up at all until the last few relationships, when the pattern had become so well-established that I couldn't ignore it anymore.

When I talk about people trying to change me, I'm really talking about a very narrow range of things -- basically, they want me to become husband/father/family-oriented/traditional-Great-American-Dream-male role. I have no interest in that. None. None at all.

I'm not talking about the sort of change that one might expect to occur within the parameters of a normal relationship -- the "I never thought I would like fish sticks until she talked me into trying them" sort of thing.

Change IS inevitable, yes. I'm OK with that. But not when the demand is that I change who I am at my core, my essence, my root.

When you asked why I keep finding women who want to change me -- I really believe it's simple biology. The women I've been with (with one exception) have felt that reproduction was their main purpose in life. Everything else takes a back seat to that. They feel that they will have failed as human beings if they do not leave one or two or twelve kids behind.

And I'm on the other side of the issue, because I have never been a parent, I never want to be a parent, and I don't want to date a parent. There are a lot of reasons for that, and I won't go into them here, but suffice it to say that the whole concept makes no sense to me and I want no part of it.

I'm always VERY clear about this when I meet someone. That's why it's mentioned 417 times in my profile.

And they always say, "Yeah, I don't want kids either" in the beginning -- until three months into the relationship, at which point they start in with "I want a BAY-BEE!!" and poof! -- relationship over!

What qualities is it that they dislike? My refusal to play along with their parenthood schemes. My refusal to drink. My refusal to install a steering wheel in my back and shut my brain off so they can lead me around wherever they please. My refusal to be a domesticated farm animal.

I think I'm up front about my shortcomings. I have a lot of them. I also think I have a lot to offer -- but nobody wants it unless there's a baby attached. And that's not something I'm ever going to do.

BRAVO!!!





I totally get that. I have no interest in becoming the roll model for house wife, cook, housekeeper, baby maker, and great american perfect spouse.

My X wanted a secretary, mother, housekeeper, cook, sex slave, business partner, etc etc.

And I was never good enough.

Seriously I nearly lost my mind and barely got away withe my soul. So all I can say LEX is you should not be looking for a relationship in the traditional sense. Just find a friend with benefits. If you need your house cleaned hire a house keeper.

Kewl...all sounds reasonable to me . That's going to be a toughie tho...finding someone that is not family oriented. Either they will have kids and are in the family way or they don't have kids and may want them some day. If they have kids and never speak to them, then that might be a personality problem. Sheesh....Or if they even don't want children but are close with their parents they might want to spend time with them. I'm at a loss.. but I do wish you the best .

So we are all survivor's of life's vampires...we should write a book on how to avoid them or are you already working on that Lex?

There's a small bit in the new one that sort of drifts into the topic a little....of course, it's just fiction....!

I'm dabbling with the idea of a philosophy book sometime down the road, in which this would be greatly expanded on....!

Interesting concept. The Philosophy of changing vs change.

Yup, I'd spend money on that

Well, that's the whole idea....!

Me too!

When you truly commit to someone, you wind up giving a piece of yourself away... Not necessarily on purpose. In order to successfully open up, you have to become vulnerable. And if both parties are committed to the relationship, there is an equal exchange of vulnerability.

When you separate, the piece that you exchanged with your former partner becomes a void. Spend time healing and filling the void. Date yourself and discover who you are as a person. Everything you'd normally do with your former partner, do it alone. Eventually, you'll want to hang out with friends and enjoy their time. But spend time with you discovering your interests and goals!

great advice savannahchoo, WELCOME