But realize that in all phases of life we have to decide what we want to give up in return for something else. When the blending process happens, we give up things that we don't even realize that we were holding onto...or, we do it because the Love is greater than the Loss.

If that is your belief, then that is what you create in your experience. You attract them.

Lex, if you know who you are and what your intentions are, nobody can change you. If they try, they will fail, and the agony will be theirs.

All you have to do is continue to be you.

This is a really great statement ((((Winterblue)))))

Compromise does not mean, being a yes man (or woman).

Melding in a relationship takes time. And yes, if the relationship ends, the places that were melded seem to need to be redefined.

This is WAY different than going into something with one expectation and finding the other wants to "mold" you into their idea of partnership bliss.

Its almost like any one would do to make their "dream" come true

Self motivation when you keep finding yourself with those types.

Am I "finding" others who want to change me, as a convenient "excuse" to think "real" doesn't exist?

I'm just saying

hahaha...it's contagious, LOL Caught it when I finalized my divorce :)

Then you know what I'm talking about.

I know that's a popular way to see things, but I don't buy it. I see that as an attempt to impose a "cause-and-effect" scenario on something that doesn't really work that way.

My thoughts can have no influence on anything outside of myself. Now it's true that my thoughts can influence how I (internally) react to things or situations, but I have yet to see any evidence that my thoughts have any impact at all on things which are external to myself.

Re: experience -- it's only "created" insofar as I've made the same mistakes over and over again. I take full responsibility for that. But then there's the issue of alternatives --

Let me give an example. If I'm looking for a polar bear, there are ways I can go about finding one. Polar bears exist; it may not be easy, but I can eventually locate one.

Now, if I'm looking for a polar bear who can fly, that's another thing entirely. My point is, the thing has to exist before you can find it.



Agreed, yet they keep trying.



Well, it's mine too, because I would (initially, at least) like to believe them when they tell me they have absolutely no desire to change me.

So, the bottom line is whether I'm better off to just assume there is no one out there who will accept me as I am, or whether I should hold onto the vain (and experientially unrealistic) hope that there MIGHT be someone like that out there....?



Yeah, there's no way around that one....!

I would agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.

If your thoughts have no influence on anything outside of yourself why do you write books?

If your thoughts have no influence on your life or on others, then how come others thoughts have influence on you? Why would you care if a woman was 'trying' to change you?

The fact is, most of your thoughts and your conversation is about that very reality...you keep creating it. You keep saying and thinking that all women you get involved with want to change you. You keep saying that you will never find the right woman who will accept you as you are.

So look around and see what you have created. That is your evidence.

You might say, "Well that is just the way it is." But I say that as long as you attention is on "what is" you will continue to create that. You have to put your attention on what you want instead of on what you don't want. All your attention is on what you lack and what you don't want.

I think it is safe to say that when any two people get together, changes do happen. They influence each other. Sometimes changes can be for the better even. So according to your belief, you need to visualize a woman that will have a positive influence on you and change you into the best selling author you desire to be, or at least inspire you in that direction.

So I'm not trying to get you to change your belief that all women try to change you, I just want to suggest that you could turn that belief around into a more positive direction.

now you got me thinking...relationships (at least the 2 LTRs I have had) changed me, but not for the better! They wore me down mentally & emotionally compromising who I am at heart which led to depression & much worse!

So how do I reverse what I attract to find someone that can accept me for who I am and inspire me to be a better person?

Apples and oranges. A book is a physical object which someone else can pick up and read. Yes, I created that book, but once it's become an external entity, it no longer exists only as a thought.

What I was referring to earlier is this belief system that states we can influence the course of events in our lives through our thoughts. It sounds good, but let's see some evidence. Once we've taken steps to turn our thoughts into external reality -- a book, a bridge, a song, a nuclear power plant, a statue, whatever -- it's no longer just "a thought."



Because it's the action of their trying to change me -- not the thought -- I wouldn't know the thought unless they acted upon it -- that creates the problem.

All I'm saying is, look, if you come into this thing knowing you want to change me, just say so up front and save us both a lot of time.



I'm saying there are -- again, in my experience -- no other kinds of women out there. It's a pre-existing condition. I can't have created something that was in place long before I was ever born.



Well, as I said earlier, a thing has to exist before you can find it. And I'm not really conversant enough with DNA nucleotide sequences to go into a lab and create the kind of woman I'd be interested in.

Change your belief. Change your thoughts and attention. You have to put your attention on what you want instead of on what you don't want. All your attention is on what you lack and what you don't want.

State what you want and keep your attention on that. You can tell if you are attracting what you want by how you are feeling. If you are feeling uncomfortable or bad then you are thinking and attracting what you don't want.

If you are feeling good, feeling excited you are attracting what you want. Pay attention to your feelings and your emotions. Your emotions are your inner guidance system.

If you can't imagine or believe that it exists, it will never be part of your experience. Even if you bumped into the perfect woman you would not even see her. This is a scientific proven fact.



I have many books in my bookcase. They are much more than physical objects. They are full of thoughts and information. If I bought a book just because it took up physical space then it would not matter what was written in the book.

My books and my tools are the most valuable possessions I own. A book is a wonderful creation. It was created by thoughts.

If your mind and thoughts are always on the kind of person you don't want, your subconscious mind will look for that because it thinks that is what you want. So you will always find and attract what you don't want.

Your subconscious mind (the thinking stuff) does not understand the word "no" or "don't". It only looks for and delivers what you think about.

That is how you live by default and that is how you attract and create things in your experience that you don't want.

I think you're making my point for me. My books can only influence people because they're physical objects that can be read. Yes, they take up physical space but they also contain ideas, thoughts, stories....which would never have been discernible to anyone had they not been put into book form.

I suppose you could see it as a thought transformed into a physical reality. It is that transformation that makes the thoughts, etc., accessible to people other than myself, and is therefore crucial to the dissemination process. But it's only if someone chooses to READ the book, and to consider its content in some way, that the person can be influenced by what's inside.

This is true. Most all of the books I own are books that I have chosen to read.

I have a few gems that were given to me or that I found by some miracle that are probably the most valuable of all. They came to me at exactly the right time in my life it would seem.

A person who has a book that contains the secret to happiness and/or the secrets of the universe or reality will not even read it or understand it if they are not ready to receive the information.

Also, a person who wants and is ready for new information to come into their experience will find the right book to read.

That is how it happens in my experience.

Lex,
Here is a good example. I have read a lot of your posts and I know a lot about the kind of woman you don't want. You have put the information out there. I know nothing about the kind of woman you do want. It is the same with your thinking stuff. Your subconscious can't find what you want and tell you about it because it only knows about what you don't want.

I know you don't believe any of this, but just look at your evidence. Look at what you attract and look at the experiences you create.

Well, I am perfectly willing to be wrong about this whole thing. I'm good at being wrong, I have lots of experience with it. If being wrong could be made into an Olympic event, I'm sure I would be on the awards podium by the time it was all over.

So I am very open to the idea that there might be someone out there who wouldn't want to change me. Operative word being "might" --

OK, but here's the thing -- I know what I do want, but I have never seen that person. So there's a sort of a nebulous quality to the whole thing. I can say "I want someone who looks like Billie Piper," but that's necessarily superficial (not a bad thing, in my opinion, just rather limiting in this instance) or I can say "I want someone who wears blue shoes all the time" or whatever.

But the underlying concept of the whole thing is the idea of intellect and creativity. And I know this is a tremendous deterrent because most people just don't have any interest in being intellectual or creative. Their lives are wrapped entirely around eating and drinking and procreating and sleeping and going to the bathroom and trying to change people. In the end, how much do they really have to talk about, to bring to the table?

See, I have a very short attention span, but I also have a high IQ and an overwhelming compulsion to create things. This isolates me from a lot of people -- it's outside the "norm," I don't understand things that most people automatically assume to be "right," and I end up being considered "complicated" or "intimidating" just because I have no interest in the things that most people build their lives around.

It makes for a bit of a gulf between them and me....

I'm OK with that. Because I do believe it's better to be alone than to be with another one of the must-change-him-agenda people.

But they think they're going to "fix" me, and I'm not broken. Not in that sense, anyway.

wow, quite the discussion, when the original question was "redefining" onself at the end of a relationship.

Means the individual "changed" while in the relationship

Was it a premeditated change?

Or

The result of a "we"

Different than a "me"

"He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery." ~Harold Wilson

Or as my dear ole mom used to say, "change is a GOOD thing"

As long as its not forced

I don't want to "change" anyone, can accept them, shake my head, smile and say, "thats how he is, and I love him"

As the cowardly lion says, "I DO believe, I DO believe, " there is someone out there, that will accept me, not try and change me, and be grateful for who I am, and what I bring to our we.

Yes I understand that completely. I have found (being a creative person myself) that a relationship, (much like too much television) can suck the creativity right out of you.

My X was like a vampire. He sucked the life's blood out of my soul.

But I digress. LOL

It is better to be alone than to be the food for a vampire. LOL

OMG,, I LOVE this

Your not alone ((((Lex)))))