Haha thanks. My column is the entire forums! You just gotta search for it!

I actually do - that is the scary thing!!!

I know - crazy huh?

Go stalk someone else! lol


Im going to have a few faxes and telegrams to read out as well. This'll be a good opportunity to throw in a couple of fake ones, so if anyone has some good ideas, let me know!

We get nervous because it becomes all about us ... our performance, our speech, how we are seen and received, hoping we don't fall flat.

Remember this is not about you.

Make your focus about them, what will make this day great for them and allow that care for them to flow through you.

You'll do great!

I needed to be reminded of that actually, thank you. Even for the five minutes that i'll be speaking, its still not really about me at all.

wink wink, nudge nudge.... secretly we know it's all about you Dan.

SHHHhhhh!!! I was trying to make myself seem modest!

I wonder how nervous the groom is! Not about the wedding, but about dan's speech!

OK, the speech isnt completely finalised yet, but this is what i am working with at the moment. Tell me what ya think..


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I know! I know! I am shocked! I thought he was gay as well! (whilst the crowd is making noise when i first get up - i will make sure a few people are banging on tables and such).

And there was Nick thinking that getting married would stop all these rumours!

Nick likes to portray himself as a very masculine man, but i have known his for a long time now, ive even lived with him, so i have picked up on a few things. I could overlook the skincare products, i could even overlook the Backstreet Boys CD collection. It was the life sized poster of Jimmy Sommerville that really got me wondering, but the giveaway was when he said to me 'yanno Dan, we have been living together for a while now, i think we should become common law partners'

I was pretty shocked by this and Nick must have seen the disgust on my face, and he tried to laugh it off, he said it was for 'tax purposes'. I just told him to stop being silly, and then rolled over and went back to sleep.

Of course these are all just jokes, he isnt really gay. His ex-boyfriend was though.

For those of you that dont know me, my name is Dan, im an old mate of Nicks. When he asked me to be his best man, it was a real proud moment. He said to me 'Make it funny and tell some touching stories'. Now, there was me thinking the 'touching' stories were the ones i should keep out of this speech, but Nicks the groom, and its up to him! No seriously, they were only very minor incidents, and fortunately, no minors were involved.

He told me 'Dont copy all that usual rubbish that everyone uses in their best men speeches. Such as that one about making the speech last as long as it takes the groom to make love, where you then say thank you and sit down'. That wouldnt be true for Nick anyway, as i hear it takes him at least half hour to get it up in the first place. Actually Nick asked if i could get him some blue pills recently. Though that really wasnt what i meant when i said i was going soft in my old age.

Nick met Hannah in a London club called Cargo. I was there that night. I watched Nick catch her eye(the good one!), he gave her one of his big trademark grins(yep, just like that one!). He plucked up a little courage and walked over to her. I couldnt hear what he said to her, but whatever it was made her beam in delight(just like that!). From experience he probably said something like 'Do you like Steven Seagal?', because they appeared to start dancing, but then i realised he was just showing her some close combat knife defences that he picked up from watching Under Seige 2. Whatever it was he was doing that night, he did it well. And not once did i see him slip any innocuous substances into her drink. He did it on his own this time! I knew she must be the one for him.

And lets take a look at her. Nick has done very well for himself i think. She is a beautiful looking woman. Nick does have the face of a saint too - but its a Saint Bernard. The phrase dark and handsome applies to him, because when its dark, he's handsome. Hannah is highly witty and charismatic, and thankfully opposites attract! Im not saying that Nick isnt charismatic himself, its just that i have seen more life on a tramps vest.

I should probably talk a little about some of Nicks ex-girlfriends here, just to embarras him a little further. But luckily for him most of them have been wiped out by BSE and Foot and Mouth.

But in all seriousness, Nick is a great frien of mine, we became friends at high school when we started attending the same Ju Jitsu class. We both studied for our degrees in Manchester. Well..we both 'studied' in Manchester.Studying normally involved an hour in the library drawing phallic symbols on eachothers work when the other wasnt looking, followed by a large fry up at the local greasy spoon, followed by 3 litres of white lightening cider brought at the local corner shop for a pound fifty.

Nick was always very righteous in those days. One night ater leaving the Students Union Bar, Nick decided to show a lamp post who was boss, he tried to roundhouse it, but then missed. He ended up falling to the floor hard. At first i thought he had hurt himself but it turned out he just got comfortable and was having a bit of a rest. A fella come up to us, first asking if Nick was ok, but then said 'here, i know what he needs, some Speed!' and then he proceeded to try and sell us some. Not being the kind to partake in such illicit substances, Nick decided it was his moral obligation to speak out against this, buy telling the drug dealer exactly what he thought of him. That is just Nick all over, to take a moral stand against something, whilst laying down, with his eyes closed. Somehow Nick managed to intimidate the man enough from that position so he didnt kill us.

On another night out, this time a few years ago in Southend, it was my turn to fall over. Me and Nick had been in the Casino all night, we left at about 5am, we had been drinking all night. On the way back i decided i needed to use the bathroom, i thought the beach would be the best plce to go. On the way down to it i slipped on a rock and fell down hard. After about five minutes, when Nick had stopped laughing, he realised that i was actually hurt pretty bad, and he really proved himself as a good mate. He literally had to pick me up from the floor, i couldnt get up because my wrist was in a bad way. I just wanted to go home and sleep, i was really tired and not thinking straight because i had been drinking. But Nick wouldnt take no for an answer, he insisted that i go to hospital. We made it back to Nicks flat, where he was kind enough to wake up Hannah so that she could drive us to A&E. They both waited with me the whole time and then drove me all the way back home to London. Im really grateful. This is just one small story about how they are both great friends to me, they are both great people, and they truly are a great match for eachother, and i wish them all the happiness in the world.

Sounds alright. Good to know you can draw on experience!

We go back a long old way!

Thanks for not picking out my typos! haha

And thank YOU for not picking your nose!

i love it.... like always dan its great!!

Good job Dan, only you would think of starting a wedding speech with a gay joke And you left sheep entirely out of it. But I always thought of you more as a depend-ant than a tax write off.....

Thanks Buttons!

Just go the Monty Python round and use a lot of "bollocks" and "crikey" and "blimey" in your speech. That'll go over well!

It's wonderful!!! Funny, sweet and heartwarming!