And there are! I have only dated one man that was not widowed since I was. He was fine with it and we are still good friends. The thing with dating another widower, is they "get it" . In the two longer term relationships I had, we were not threatened by pictures in the house of the deceased spouse, or the mention of the name. My gosh, two of them even had her ashes in the house and that didn't bother me either. I just feel like we can not pretend we don't have a past, nor would we want to.

The one relationship I had with a widower that lasted just shy of 3 yrs, he had two small children. They were 3 and 5 when I came along. We used to have such laughs over things like...he had a picture of the two of us one one end of the dresser, and a picture of him and his late wife on the other end. We would laugh at what on Earth the pest control guy must think!!!


But seriously, I put together a picture grouping in the hall of his new house. It started with a wedding picture of him and his wife, then a grouping of each child when they were tiny, some with mommy in them, then one of just the three of them, then one with the four of us. It was sort of in the order of their lives. Some people said, how could you slap a wedding picture up of him and his wife?? I thought well, she is part of the whole, ya know? If it weren't for that marriage, there wouldn't be those kids I loved so much.

I do have my late husband's picture up..but I have my reason's for it too. It's not that I'm still in the grieving process, or dwelling on the past...mine is for the purpose of when I come home and see his picture it gets my fight back and reminds me I need to keep striving for the truth..But, some just don't understand that.

Well I have family pics on my entertainment center and his is there. And I have one in the hall. Have no plans whatsoever to take them down.

lol...hey..keeps everyone guessing for sure!! I think it's pretty neat that you both were able to do that. I agree..I think it's alot easier for widows going with widowers because you both have been there and understand alot better.

LOL yeah and it was a good laugh.


Have you ever been to any online grief support sites Carolyn?

We shouldn't have to..and no one should expect us to...they are a part of our life, part of what made us the people we are today. I would never expect anyone else to just forget or put away their memories if they wanted to keep them up.

No, not online..but have been to grief counseling given by the hospital here in Miami. At the end..they told me they really didn't know how to handle my situation, but overall it did help alot.

I never did that. I sort of fell thru the cracks with the hospital people that were suppose to contact me.

One night about 7 months in, I googled grief or widowed, something like that. I go to a place called Widownet.org


It has message boards and several chat rooms, some for earlier grief some for latter. It helped a LOT! Now I go back for friends I have "known" for many years now, and to give back to newbies that come along.

Hello,
When I married Newt, he was widowed, Charlotte had been murdered. When I cam into the life, Charlotte was placed everywhere, I placed her. We talked about her as often as they wanted. We named our Mary after her, middle name. I grieved with Newt our whole marriage. He did not have to put her in a place, unless he chose. Love for me was all of him, included his past. I would hope that someone in my life would love me as I love, not expect that, unless I chose. I feel that is a tremendous expression of unconditional. That is how I would like to live. I feel my children see that as good.
I went to a Grief Share a few weeks after Newt died. I was getting so many helpful advices from those who had not a clue, nor had been supportive before. It is easy for some to offer for others to do what they could do for a person. It is a listening ear most often. I went to get those helpfuls off my back. It staved them off and in the end I was gifted, a place to let down and offer no explanations. I did not have to repeat my past word for word. I could just be..whatever. By listening to others and feeling their heart, it started a way to place and distance somethings, like wipers on a rainy day.
How is everyone? It is a beautiful day. I heard from a friend that went with me to buy some goodies to send to my Miles in Iraq. He is asking for spagetti o's and old afterschool stuff. It is getting hard for him.
s

It does help alot when you can talk to others who have been through such a loss as we all have experienced. I've been drug through so much the past 5 years, it's unreal. But..It's very real. I know I just dread meeting people sometimes, and when they ask questions I try to be honest, but it's a hard thing to open up because some people will look at you like your exagarating(sp)..and I know it sounds like something from a tv show..but, I have everything here to show it's the truth...just gets very frustrating sometimes.

Evening Sadie!

HUGS Carolyn

Hi Sharris
Yes, I agree..you showed unconditional love and let him choose how to handle what he felt he could handle. He was blessed to have such a wonderful wife who helped him, and not come in trying to just shove his past away.

I agree!

I should probably tell you- my husband was found on the side of the highway, shot in the back of his head..and it was ruled suicide. I've had a long battle with that County over the ruling. But, just so you may be able to understand just a little of my frustration...it's not over with, and I have been working on things for the 5 yrs to get something done. I don't believe for one second that it was suicide...but to go up against cops..woooweeee....

WOW, that must be so difficult! HUGS

hugss back.....yes, it is at that. But...one thing they didn't expect- I'm a fighter, I don't give up until every single angle has been exhausted, and even then I doubt I will ever give up. When there's a will- there's a way. I'm strong, tough, stubborn, and I may be this small woman but I will stand up against the giant nose to nose...( don't I sound tough??) lol

You DO sound tough! But then, you've had to be!

Yes, I've had to be. We have to be strong to make it through what we have endured.

Amazing isn't it.


When I knew what was coming I thought I CANT do this! I guess God gives us what we need WHEN we need it.