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Topic:
blind man
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 Wonderfully twisted sense of humour!
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Poor Guy
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Damn funny! The only thing that would top it is a reply that said, "I don't get it." Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa
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A Lake Made Of Beer
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Raucous outburst of laughter here!
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Whats Your Business Sign
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 Excellent!
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Only in America.....
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It's only an urban legend. http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blcigar.htm [/ Be that as it may,Wouldn't you agree that it lifts the spirit with a sense of smug, righteous, satisfaction ....to think that somebody else is getting theirs!.......a sense of twisted justice? or as in my case, when my ex's attorney,upon a chance meeting months afterward, asked me for a ride to his car which was in the repair shop! Not being one to hold a grudge, I gave him a lift.quote] |
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Only in America.....
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A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires" The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason; that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.......and WON! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. Nevertheless, the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and guanteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is cnsidered to be an unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars. NOW FOR THE BEST PART! After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimoney from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine!!! THIS IS A TRUE STORY AND WAS THE 1ST PLACE WINNER IN A PAST CRIMINAL LAWYERS AWARD CONTEST!!! |
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Topic:
Best Lawyer Joke Ever
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Excellent!.....great humor! a
#10
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Cast not, your pearls before swine.
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Topic:
Emotional Extremes
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that one got me...........Excellent [I also laugh at people falling down....] |
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Topic:
Emotional Extremes
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that one got me...........Excellent
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Topic:
DESIDERATA
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 "Desiderata" and Robert Fulghums' writings (Everything I need to know, I learned in Kindergarden) are the nearest thing to any theology that that I subscribe to.....
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A joke......right?
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A little old lady suffered a stroke and is paralyzed on her left side, speech impaired and confined to a wheelchair. The nursing home that provides for her is $70,000 in debt so they are forced to cut back on staff, activities, and the level of care. The CEO of the parent corporation that owns the chain of nursing homes, has garnered an annual compensation package for himself that exceeds $450 million!
This is a joke.....is it not? I'm thinking it's in the right forum. google it if you doubt it...... |
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Topic:
I want to make love to you
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 Sorry but that's time worn and as old as dirt.....
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Topic:
THE LITTLE RED HEN.....
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Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. She called her neighbors and said,"If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"
"Not I!", said the cow, the duck, the pig, and the goose. "Then I will.", said the little red hen. And she did. The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I'll reap the wheat myself," said the little red hen. And she did. At last the time came to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow. " "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "Then I will," said the little red hen. She baked 5 loaves of bread and held them up for her neighbors to see. They all wanted some bread, in fact, demanded a share! But the little red hen said,"No, I can eat the 5 loaves myself." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. " I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted. They painted"UNFAIR!" picket signs and marched round and round. The government agent came. He said to the little red hen," You must not be greedy" "But I earned the bread!" said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. " That is the wonderful free enterprise system....anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants, but in our system of modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their products with the idle." And they all lived more or less happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked,"I am grateful. I am grateful" But her neighbors wondered why she NEVER BAKED BREAD AGAIN! |
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Topic:
Had a hug today?
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No moving parts, no batteries.
No monthly payments and no fees: Inflation-proof, non taxable, In fact, it's quite relaxable. It can't be stolen, won't pollute, One size fits all, do not dilute. It uses very little energy, but yields results, enormously. Relieves your tension and stress, Invigorates your happiness. Combats depression, makes you beam, and elevates your self esteem! Your circulation...it corrects, without unpleasant side effects. It is, I think, the perfect drug; May I prescribe, my friend....a HUG! (And, of course, fully returnable!) (Anonymous) |
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Topic:
Minnesota Blues.....
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Yes......6 months of winter, 2 months of heat,humidity and mosquitos! we do get 1 nice day in Spring and 2 nice days in Autumn. However, by state legilature, those days must occur only on Tuesday,Wednesday,or Thursdays.........when we're all working our butts off to pay for the last winters heating bills!
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Topic:
The Darwin Awards 2007
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THINNING THE HERD 2007 Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place : A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout. Sixth Place : While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital. Fifth Place : Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. Fourth Place : Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place : After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt. What fun for the customers...... HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed. RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located. AND THE 2007 WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn,Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..."Sh*t happens!"   [/qu I have a few old notices of the Darwin Awards also.....FUN!ote] |
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Topic:
Minnesota Blues.....
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I  ed it!!!! <<<<MN born & Raised! [ /quo What doesn't kill ya'.....makes ya stronger! however, in this state.......FROZER!te] |
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Topic:
Barbershop talk....
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A barber in a small community was well known and liked, despite his "know-it-all" attitude and tendency to put folks down. One day, one of his customers mentioned that he was visiting Rome on vacation this year and was hoping to meet the Pope!
"You?", said the barber, "The Pope sees kings and presidents. What would he want with a small-timer like you? You have nothing the Pope wants to hear!" A month later, the man returned for another haircut. The barber asked, "How was Rome?" "Great!....I saw the Pope!" "From St. Peters' Square, I'm sure....along with the rest of the crowd." "Yes, until 2 guards came up to me and said that the Pope wanted to see me. I went with them into the Vatican and his private apartment!" "Yeah, right, what would he possibly want to know from you?" "He asked, "Who gave you that LOUSY haircut?" |
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Topic:
Great employer?
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Can you imagine working for this "company"?
It has a little more than 500 employees with the following statistics: 29 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have been arrested for assault 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 are defendants in lawsuits 84 were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 Can you guess which organization this is? Scroll down for the answer..... It's the 535 members of the U.S. CONGRESS! |
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