A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.
I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.

Though room

Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter
work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house
siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why
are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those
nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Yes it is

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

"Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs."

The second floor sign reads:

"Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."

The third floor sign reads:

"Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store."

To avoid gender bias accusations, the store's owner also opens a New Wives' store just across the street..........

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

I try

I always liked "You can keep that beer sir, I've got 5 more"

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee ....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.


What is! the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.


Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"


Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one is tall enough to ride the rides.

>1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
>
>2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
>
>3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
>
>4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
>
>5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
>
>6. You watch the Weather Channel.
>
>7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
>
>8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
>
>9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
>
>10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
>door
>don't turn down the stereo.
>
>11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
>
>12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
>
>13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
>
>14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
>
>15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
>
>16. You take naps somewhere between noon to 6 PM!
>
>17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
>one.
>
>18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset,
>rather than settle, your stomach.
>
>19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
>antacid,
>not condoms and pregnancy tests.
>
>20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
>
>21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
>
>22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
>going to
>drink that much again."
>
>23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
>work.
>
>24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
>
>25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
>doesn't apply to you, and can't find one to save your sorry old
>butt.
>Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends because you
>know
>they'll enjoy it & do the same.

The Why's of Men




1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?


(because they are plugged into a genius)









2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?





(they don't have enough time)











3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?





(they don't stop to ask directions)











4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?





(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)





(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)











5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?





(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)











6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?





(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)











7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?





(don't know....it never happened)









8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?





(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

> I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
> reasons:
>
> 1. I do physical labor.
> 2. I work at great depths.
> 3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
> 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> 5. I work in a damp environment.
> 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
> 7. I work in high temperatures.
> 8. My work exposes me to diseases.
>
> Dear Penis,
>
> After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
> raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
> 1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
> 2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work
> period.
> 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting
> other locations.
> 5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
> in order to start working.
> 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
> 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
> wearing the correct protective items.
> 8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
> 9. You are unable to work double shifts.
> 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
> completed the assign ed task
> 11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and
> exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
>
> Sincerely, The Management

Bubba decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy
swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool.. They're years
outta style.

"Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too
little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them.
I'm telling ya man...ya'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking
new tight speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering
their faces, turning way, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong
now?"

"Lard-Almighty!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

I agree....This war has done nothing but screw us one way or another. The Patriot Act has become a dildo to screw the American people out of what little rights we have left.

I would! But I'd have to stock up on the KY