maybe its because it sounds too good to be true

Three men worked at the mine. There was a Mexican, Italian and a Polish. Anyway one lunch hour they were talking about the same old lunches their wives packed them every day.

" If i get one more burrito for lunch I swear I'll kill myself" The Mexican said.

" If i get one more lunch of spaghetti I'll do the same" the Italian said.

"If i get one more bologna sandwich I'll kill myself with you" The Polish said.

The next day as usual the three men go the same lunches so they killed themselves.

Later at the three mens' funeral the three widows we talking. The Mexicans wife said as she sobbed,

"If i only knew how much he hated burritos I never would have packed them, he could have had rice or tacos."

Then the Italian wife said " I always could have packed him lasagna if I only knew how much he hated spaghetti."

The other two wives looked at the Polish wife expecting a few words of grief. "Don't look at me, that dumbass always packed his own lunch"

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would
teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and
said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what
would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because
is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth
more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny
stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you
should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

awwwwww

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie -- the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids -- not
condoms and pregnancy-test kits.
20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their
icture taken.
If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine
this is a telepathic thought recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling
and a number where I can reach you,
and I'll think about returning your call.


Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar,
then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now
and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya.
We can't pick up the phone right now because
we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right
.......real slow.........So leave a message,
and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell "fire, fire!" Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)

1. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the
hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go
back to bed. If yourroommate asks, say you don't know what
he/she is talking about.

2. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same
room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid
of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever
again.

3. Buy a Jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

4. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your
turn."

5. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."

6. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.

7. Punch a hole in the TV Set and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.

8. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't
belong."

9. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
your normally would.

10. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.

11.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang
up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

12. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster
with two players."

13. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it
up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer".

14. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on
them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the
music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and
say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

15. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to
the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's
possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

16. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.

17. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb
with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often
about the cost of new lightbulbs.

18. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her
do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around
campus. If Your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right
to know!"

19. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people.
Find One that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It
had to be done."

20. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson!
Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!)

21. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask
your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your
roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it
look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the
funeral.

22. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

23. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever
you'd like to have a conversation.

24. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When
your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering
a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later,"
while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

25. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go
and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry,
shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what
they're talking about.

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* My kid had sex with your honor student.

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Keep honking, I'm reloading.

* Hang up and drive.

* Lord save me from your followers.

* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

* Friends don't let friends drive Naked.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you
can find a rock.

* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

*Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

*My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

*If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

*You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

*This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

*Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

*If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

*The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

*Illiterate? Write For Help

*I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

*You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

*I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

*Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

*It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

*I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

*If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over


*Ax Me About Ebonics

*Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

*Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

*Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

*Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

*How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

thanks rara...glad to see it amuses someone other than me

1. Say you're from Arkansas.
2. Drool.
3. Show them your gun.
4. Keep talking about your mommy.
5. Lick peoples' faces.
6. Tell people about your Michael Jackson shrine.
7. End each sentence with "so when do we ****?"
8. Tell complete strangers about your dreams "It was old my old high school, but it was lit up like a casino.. Do you know what I mean?"
9. Talk about your extensive porn video collection.
10. Admit to people that you watch Dawson's Creek. Also works for Felicity, Party of Five, 90210, etc.
11. Ask for spare change.
12. Show everyone your track marks.
13. Complain about those strange sores on your genitals that just won't go away.
14. Tell people that you voted for Ross Perot.
15. Two words: Pope hats.
16. Bring in Polaroids of your hemorrhoid.
17. Describe your yeast infection in detail.
18. Talk about your ex-lover's funeral.
19. Offer to bring her back to Burke to meet the guys.
20. Recite bad poetry.
21. Grab your genitals.
22. Grab theirs.
23. Yodel in bed.
24. Squirt liquids out of your eyes.
25. Ask them to pop the zits on your back.
26. Bark.
27. Wear overalls.
28. Burn rubber. Burn rubbers.
29. Carry a box of Depends.
30. Say "I enjoy making speeches during sex."
31. Keep saying "I think that would fit up my butt."
32. Sing the score to Jesus Christ Superstar.
33. Light your head on fire.
34. Talk Quebec politics.
35. Play the bagpipes.
36. Drop your pants and point to your genitals.
37. Lie about your identity.
38. Start your pick-up with "I've been following you."
39. Write love letters in blood.
40. Carry a teddy bear.
41. Show-off your body piercing.
42. Grab their face.
43. Speak really loudly and keep asking them if they're scared.
44. Offer them a toot on your gluebag.
45. Start masturbating.
46. Never stop screaming.
47. Say "I'm not making love to you. My other personality is."
48. Show them your meat hook.
49. flash your CSU business card.
50. Tell them about your condom recycling ideas.
51. Shout out the name of your last lover...Raoul Cedras, Haitian dictator.
52. Duct tape a dead fish to your forehead.
53. Hump their clothes in public.
54. Ask if you can bring some friends
55. Ask if you can bring your father.
56. Pick, pick, pick your nose.
57. Wear a Hitler moustache, especially if you're a woman.
58. Ask them to marry you right away.
59. Blame them for everything.
60. When they take off their clothes, burst out laughing.
61. **** in bed.
62. Show off your stigmata.
63. Spend all day chatting online and not actually seeing a single person.
64. Offer to mutilate yourself to prove your love.
65. As soon as you meet say "Commitment or death, it's your choice."
66. Ask them to join your suicide pact. "Have you ever had sex while plummeting to the ground in a flaming vehicle?"
67. Tell them your crossbow is your best friend.
68. Make gurgling noises at the table.
69. Refuse to wear a condom. "I've never worn a condom and I've had over 100 lovers."
70. Wear an End of the World sandwich board.
71. Scream in pain while urinating.
72. Ask "How come sex always ends in death?"
73. Use napalm as lubricant.
74. Tell them you can suck your own member.
75. Gag while kissing.
76. Suck their nose.
77. **** your pants and sing a song.
78. Eat things you find on the street.
79. Bring them to an International Socialist meeting.
80. Tell them O.J. is your hero.
81. Tell them, "If we're going to have sex I'm going to have to get batteries."
82. Whip a gerbil out of your butt. Roll it up and smoke it.
83. Get into your Smurf outfit.
84. In the middle of sex say "Hey! This is way better than sheep."
85. In the middle of sex "Hey! This is way better than pumpkins."
86. Pull your tampon out. Swing it around your head and yell "Your goin' down Goliath!"
87. Tell them you cry everytime you see "Edward Penishands."
88. Demand cash up front.
89. Say "I'm doing this because I feel sorry for you."
90. Keep yelling "Next!"
91. Never get their name right.
92. Instead of foreplay try selling them a vacuum cleaner.
93. Show them your tail.
94. The minute you get to their place, hump their dog. Smile crazily.
95. Wear a helmet all the time.
96. Start doing "The Safety Dance."
97. Begin with "The instruction manual said..."
98. Put your underwear on your head.
99. Be yourself.
100. Make lists about how not to get laid.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread

Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

1. Say MONKEY before each word:

Monkeys
About
Talking
Idiot
Stupid
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look


2. Say MONKEY after each word:

Monkeys
About
Talking
Idiot
Stupid
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look


3. Say MONKEY before and after each word:

Monkeys
About
Talking
Idiot
Stupid
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look


4. Stat at the bottom and read the words upwards.

Monkeys
About
Talking
Idiot
Stupid
This
Got
I
Long
How
Look

lmao...

ummmmm...no

Try this:

Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you
Scroll down.
























Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud
as you scroll down.



























Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter in that
animal. Say it out loud as you scroll down.




























Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand
You are not using to scroll down.
































Take the last finger you counted with, shove it up your ass, and
Get back to work, you stupid e-mail game playing bastard!

huh?

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

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Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Many preschoolers got several correct answers. Most adult got them all wrong. Send this out to frustrate all of your friends

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included in this list?)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Forget the pig! In my next life want to be a lion... )

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head

101 Ways To Be Annoying

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and
then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that
this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
"astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace."

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
"real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to
your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright
warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental
movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J.
Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
the tray.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.