sitting here with the hippies, drinking capt'n and crying... smoking a third cig... i have been smoking 1 cig a day for the past month and a half... and today, three. i dont understand why im so upset, and alone. i have everything i could need... friends, famly... just anything i need i have.
but i feel so afraid and alone, and i cant quite figure out why i feel this way. maybe its because my heart is like telling me im in love, with someone i could only dream about being with... and in all reality i KNOW that theres no way he'd want to be with me, i mean like i said... i can only dream. or maybe its because i can't stand being at home, i go anywhere and everywhere just to get away. and people wonder why every time i aquire $5 it goes to two bootleggers and the last dollar goes to someone to buy one cigarette so that i at least i can have a puff if i need to. and tell you the truth, the whole quitting smoking thing?? proally another reason im so ****ing out of it and not myself. and the ****ed up thing is, i was only quitting to better myself for the someone who could never love me, although at one point i thought it might actually be possible... but go figure, i knew it was too good to be true. and i KNOW theres other people interested in dating me. ive been asked out a TRILLION times seince i discovered he wouldent and couldent love me... and people want to love me, but im in love with this person and it feels wrong to go out with someone else because im in love with this person.... like the you know who situation, i broke up with him not only because he said "i love you" the first night we were "together" even though we werent technically together... and also because i knew i had feelings for the other person, this was even before i had established the fact that i loved him... and dont get me wrong, the dude i was with was a GREAT guy... absolutley GREAT... and sometimes i think of how i regret breaking his heart only to have mine ripped out of my chest by someone else... and i feel dirty even thinking about the other guy, but hey what can i do? it was all my fault in the first place... and THEN i know for a fact that someone i made out with in high school is interested, because whenever im not around our friends he asks them how i am, and where i am, and what im doing... and that in itself tells me he's someone i can see myself with... someone who cares. and when i last saw him, i told him about how i met the one im in love with, (which was cupid at the time...) and he laughed at me... his words were "your looking on the internet for love, when you could have come right down the street..." and it made me blush... it really did... it bought back some of the feelings i used to have for him... he was the ONLY guy ive ever held and had cry on my shoulder... which led to the kissing... and i KNOW things could work with him, i KNOW they could... the question is... am i willing to be in love with someone who dosent love me and be able to date someone i know has the potential to be everything i coulld have asked for and more, and eventually be able to tell him i love him without thinking about the guy im crazy for now... OR do i sit here and wonder what things could be like with the dude i can never ever ever have... and miss out on having something potentially wonderful with someone that does want me? what in the world, and why in the world i feel this way i dont know... but im glad some dude created blogs cus without them id proally die... or be dead.

One says he loves me and we have been together for a while, can i just stay with him and not tell him? And not touch the other again???

im older and id let someone put me on a leash