SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog,complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless,front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open,or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: Its water,somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt,nose hurts,mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: You're on your own.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone,don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Two hillbillys walk into a bar....
While having a shot ofwhiskey,They talk about their own moonshine operations.Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so,it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.


"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.


The hillbilly walks over to the woman,lifts up the back of her dress,yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.


The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.


As she begins to breathe again,the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver", but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.The bus driver said,"That's the ugliestbaby I've ever seen."In a huff,the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong."The bus driver insulted me,"she fumed..The man sympathized and said,"Why, he's a public servant and shouldn'tsay things like that to insult passengers.""You're right,"she said."I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea,"the man said"..Here,let me hold your monkey

....And thats not saying much

Cool beans...1st thing ive done right all day!

If i shot the gun,that would wake me up...then I wouldnt have to worry about what to shoot 1st!

You thought it waslove.The real thing. Perhaps the two of you shared the same feelings, but you don't now,and you've just been dumped. You feel as though you've been dropped into a cold dark hole.Alone.Life is no longerfun.No one can understand your pain.No one.We've all been there. It's a given of relationships.Not all of themare going to have a fairy tale ending.
There will be pain.That's a given, too.
How soon the pain subsides is dependent on each of us.Mourningfor a lost love relationship is natural,normal and healthy.Any loss requires a period of grieving.How long and in what manner a person mourns is also dependent upon each of us. Some people appear to move almost effortlessly through a breakup while others take an excrutiatingly long time to get their lives back on track.Length of recovery time is not an indicator of how much we cared.
Wallowing in self-pityand recriminations about the breakup should not become an olympic event. Allow yourself some time to reflect upon the relationship, then stop speculating about what you could have done to keep the relationship together. Some relationships just won'twork.
Keeping the eternal flame burning that he or she will return? Depends upon the nature of the breakup and that person's previous history.If phone calls are brief and impersonal or messages not returned,take the hint.Give them space.If they want to get back into your life,they'll make a move.At that point,you will have the option of responding.Perhaps by that time you'll have new interests and won't be interested in renewing the relationship.
Saying meanand nastythings about your ex-lover to friends and family is a silly thing to do in addition to being unworthy of you.Should you and he (or she) reconcile at some future date,you'll have discreditedyourself badly.Keep your worst thoughts to yourself.You never know when a new and interesting person will be nearby.
Getting dumped allows you a chance to take a fresh look at your life.It gives you a chance to get in touch with your feelings.It provides time for introspection.It teaches about freedom.Are you, for the first time in your life,making decisions without explaining the reasons to anyone?This is a freedom so few people take the time to appreciate.
Is this your first failed relationship or do you have a history of failures? What is different about this one than the last and the one before that? You should be able to draw parallels,see patterns. Does each relationship have the same blueprint? Are your choices setting you up for heartache? If you can see the patterns,you can learn and make changes so that future relationships stand more of a chance of survival.
Don't run headlong into another relationship.It will be too easy to think tender words and soft reassurances are more than what they are meant to be. You're aching for someone to show kindness, validate your worth,give you a hug.Rebound love can occur quickly and be disastrous in the long run.You'll be exchanging one heartache for another,and hurting someone else in the process. Take your time.No matter how difficult it seems. Slow down.Stop.Observe.Not every couple you see is happy to be with each other. While you're envying their couplehood one or the both of them may be envying your single status.There are much worse things than being single.One is being part of an unhappy couple.
Try to avoid those things you did as a couple that will trigger memories.We all have special songs, special places we've visited as a couple.Memories are fine but if they make us particularly sad they should be saved for another time.There will come a time when you can listen to a particular song without getting the blues.
Mourn your lostlove.Then move on.It will take time, but the pain will get less and less, and one day it will be gone.
You are not alone.Everyone gets dumped sometime.

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "no, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can awayfrom Billy and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone awayfrom Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake.
Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor awayfrom Billy. Explain to kids that you have no ideaif shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the f**king teddy bear out of the f**king broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't knowBilly had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Billy in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologizeto neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to payfor ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven.

The five questions are:
"What are you thinking?"
"Do you loveme?"
"Do I look fat?"
"Do you think she is prettier than me?"
"What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explodeinto a major argument and/or divorceif the man does not answer properly..
For example:
1."What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question,of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,wonderful,caring, thoughtful,intelligent,beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
Baseball
Football
How fat you are
How much prettier she is than you
How he would spend the insurance money if you died

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2. "Do you loveme?"
The correct answer to this question is,"Yes" For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer "Yes dear" Wrong answers include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by "love".
Does it matter?
Who, me?
3. "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
I wouldn't call you fat,but I wouldn't call you thin either.
Compared to what?
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question?I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is,"No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
Not prettier,just pretty in a different way.
I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
Yes,but I bet you have a better personality.
Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5. "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would throw myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." "Dear,"said the wife."What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband."Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not,dear" said the husband.
"Dont you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife,looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see,"said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose,if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily."And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes.I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife,leaping to her feet."And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear,"said the husband."She's left-handed..."

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my boyfriend that I would be home by midnight...
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my boyfriend would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my boyfriend asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him "why?", he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, ****', cuckooed 4 more times. Cleared it's throat. Cuckooed another 3 times. Giggled. Cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

WooHoo Bears!!! Sun 9/10 at
Green Bay W 26-0
Sun 9/17 Detroit W 34-7
Sun 9/24 at Minnesota W 19-16
Sun 10/1 Seattle W 37-6
Sun 10/8 Buffalo W 40-7