A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"...to his first year medical students.Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject,the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,"Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"

She replied,"Yeah,probably out deer hunting with his buddies."

Choose the month you were born on

1 - I shot
2 - I needed
3 - I ran naked with
4 - I beat
5 - I smoked with
6 - I cuddled with
7 - I ran shirtless with
8 - I banged
9 - I ate
10 - I robbed
11 - I stabbed
12 - I killed

Pick the day you were born on

01 - A toothbrush
02 - Big bird
03 - a hottie
04 - A homo
05 - a rock star
06 - my lover
07 - a glass of milk
08 - the zigzag dude
09 - the kool-aid man
10 - Paris Hilton
11 - the trojan man
12 - a teletubby
13 - a porn star
14 - a drink
15 - a horse
16 - a pot head
17 - a bum
18 - a stripper
19 - the cookie monster
20 - a crack head
21 - a homeless guy
22 - Barney the dinosaur
23 - a condom
24 - a easter egg
25 - a bowl of cereal
26 - a golf ball
27 - a bag of weed
28 - a french fry
29 - a pillow
30 - a mop
31 - yer grandma

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing

White - because that hoe stole my taco
Black - because I'm sexy like that
Pink - Because I'm good in bed
Red - because I have AMAZING boobs
brown- because I had to
Polka Dots - because I hate my boyfriend/g'friend
Purple - because I'm gay
Gray - because I love marijuana
Other - because I have double D's
Green - because I love to snort cocaine.
Orange - because I smoked crack
Turquoise - because I have a noodle in my nose
blue - because I'm a pimp
Shirtless - because I've got abs
Ty dye- because I didn't like the way they looked at me

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem...

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough,the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!"mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again."Aha!"said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side.. Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said,"How does that feel now?"

The midget replied,"Perfect Doc,and I didn't even feel it.What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots"

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,and she's in tears.

He says,"So what's bothering you,Mary my dear?"

She says,"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away last night."

The priest says,"Oh,Mary,that's terrible Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says,"That he did,Father."

The priest says,"What did he ask,Mary?"

She says,"He said,'Please Mary,put down that gun...'

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster" The
little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but Then I wouldn't have a siren."

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
> She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
> To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
> 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
> Tray-up, B*tch.'

With the price of gas we are paying,here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every
gallon..
Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground.The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline,when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon.In the petroleum business,the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel,ethanol and other petroleum products plays an
important role.A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business.But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode.If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high.In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return.If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor.Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY.The reason for this is,the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof.This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.Unlike service stations,every truck thats loaded is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.

Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt and WATER that normally settles on the bottom.NEVER,this is a fact.

Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.The first beau came to the door and said,"I'm Eddie,I'm here to pick up Betty.We're going for spaghetti,is she ready?"

"No,"the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said,"I'm Joe,I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show.Is she ready to go?"

"No."the farmer said.

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer."Hello,my name is Chuck."

The farmer shot Chuck.

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying,"Dam fish for sale,Dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish???

The kid said,"I caught them at the dam,so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some,took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said,"Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down,the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied,"That's the spirit dad.Pass the f*cking potatoes!!!!"

Are you surethat "you" werent drinking rumand that jamaican guy was actually cutting coconuts out of a banana tree???

There is a very,very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion,a Chimpanzee,a Giraffe,and a Squirrel...

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you think will win???

Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds....



Got your answer???






If your answer is:





Lion = You're dull.






Chimpanzee = You're not too sharp are you.






Giraffe = Have you checked if the blood is flowing to your brain.






Squirrel = You're just hopeless.






DUH...A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!

Bullet

You're Youth

Good one!

Name Something That is Used Only Once...A Icecube,,

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity when suddenly, the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window. Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off. The little girl said to her daddy, 'What the heck was that?' Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, 'Sure had a big d*ck, didn't it?'

Recently, the Administration said each one of us would get $300. It was supposed to be $800 but they dropped it to a $300 tax rebate...There are other amounts depending on individual circumstances.....HOWEVER If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will help the American economy.We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is to buy beer, spend it on prostitution, or play golf since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.!....Your cooperation will be appreciated.

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,
couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face." he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN $HIT! SIT YOUR AS$ DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED AS$ ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT $HIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and....they lived happily ever after.......

A cop stopped a motorcycle for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

He asked the biker his name.

Fred, he replied.

Fred what? the officer asked.

Just Fred, the man responded.

The officer was in a good mood and thought he might just give the biker a break and, wrote him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then pressed him for the last name.

The man told him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thought that he had a nut case on his hands. Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?

The biker replied, It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, that's a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time. So I stayed by myself, studied hard and got good grades.

Then I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree,
so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant, and she gave me VD. So, now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.

Then, the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then, the VD took away my dingaling, so now I am
just Fred.

The officer walked away in tears,laughing

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A crusty old guy walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads: CHEESEBURGER:$1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $1,000.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers."Yes?" she says with a flirty smile,"Can I help you?"....."I was wondering," whispers the old guy,..."Are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"..."Yes,"she purrs,"I am." The old guy replies,"Well wash your damn hands, I want a Cheeseburger!"