During a visit to the Mental Asylum,a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,”said the Director,“We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,”said the visitor.“A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.”said the Director,“A normal person would pull the plug...”Do you want a room with or without a view???

WHERE WOULD YOU BE???

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

IF - YOURE BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO,WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



Well...... Hellooo!!!!!

YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FRIGGENHOUSE!

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY


After their 11th child,an Alabama couple decided that was enough,as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive."A less costly alternative," said the doctor,"is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can,then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor,"I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me,"said the doctor.

So the man went home,lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee,Kentucky, Louisiana,Arkansas,Missouri,Mississippi,Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.

An expert on the supernatural is giving a lecture on ghosts at a large municipal auditorium.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 people raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"About 40 people raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone ever talked to a ghost?"About 15 people raise their hands.

Next he asks, "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" And three people raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one further question ... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

Way in the back, this biker named Snake raises his hand.
The expert takes off his glasses, and says, "Sir, in all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big biker gets out of his seat and with a nod and a grin, begins to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the expert says, "Now, sir, please tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

And the biker replied, "Ghosts? Sh*t!!! From way back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!!"

cleansers
cleanses
cleanse
cleans
clans
cans
can
an
a
replanted
replated
related
elated
elate
late
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a

Thank-you!

A man and a woman were sound asleep..
It was about 3 in the morning,when all of a sudden a loud noise came from outside.
The woman,still half asleep,jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,"Oh my God,Sh*t"! "That must be my husband!"
So the man, leaped up out of bed,he was very scared and very naked and then he jumped out the 2nd story window like a crazy man..Very dazed,confused,and in quite a bit of pain as he was sprawled on the ground,he slowly got up and tried his best to run,but fell into a rose bush full of thorns,still in panic mode,he stood
up,untangled himself from all the thorns and ran as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he was more awake and came to his senses and returned to the house, screams at the woman "I'm youre husband, you f*ckin SL*T!
Then the woman yelled back, "Yeah?" "So then why were you running??? You Son of a
*B*tch!""

Three things to ponder...

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments


1.C O W S...
Is it just me,,,or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow,born in Canada almost three years ago,right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?
And,they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

---------------------------------------------------2.T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N...
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution
for Iraq...
Why don't we just give them ours?

It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it has worked for over 200 years,and we're not using it anymore.

---------------------------------------------------3.T H E -10- C O M M A N D M E N T S...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post:
'Thou Shalt Not Steal,'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,'
and 'Thou Shall Not Lie'
in a building full of lawyers,judges and politicians...

It creates a hostile work environment.

restarted
restated
restate
estate
state
sate
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at
a

Three old friends pass away together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they arrive, St. Peter says, "We have only one rule here in Heaven... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, one of the friends accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman the man has ever seen.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second friend accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first friend.

The third friend observes all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any duck but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on... a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The man asks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

The women replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel...

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds....



Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.





If your answer is:





Lion = you're dull.






Chimpanzee = you're not too sharp are you.






Giraffe = Have you checked if the blood is flowing to your brain.






Squirrel = you're just hopeless.






A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, ' Look, he's moving!'"

Damn...Good one!

Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Rider Don`t Wave Back......

10. Wasn`t sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. The espresso machine just finished.
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer.
3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
1. Couldn`t find the `auto wave back` button on dashboard.

A woman arrived home,screeching her car into
the driveway,and ran into the house.She
slammed the door and shouted at the top of
her lungs,"Honey, pack your bags.I just won the
lottery!"
The husband said,"Oh my God!Oh my God!What should take,what should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Pack it all","she said..."Cuz you're outta here."

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure
I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period,Mr.Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well,my time of the month is starting right now. As I type,I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body and just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from "Aunt Flo".Therefore, you must know about the bloating,puffiness,and cramping we endure,and about our intense mood swings,crying jags,and out-of-control behavior.You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is,sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...Which brings me to the reason for my letter.Last month,while my cramping was so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus,I opened an Always maxi-pad,and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:"Have a Happy Period."

Are you f-cking kidding me?What I mean is,does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness,is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?Well,did it,James??? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak,there
will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed
with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God,pull your head out,man!If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong"

Sir,please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits,for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.And though I
will certainly miss your Flex-Wings,I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending "BS". And that's a promise I will keep.
Always,
xxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx

*The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.*

You'll want to be the first at your corporation to make a contribution to this great man's legacy.

The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find).

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tours.

The **** Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.

Plans also include: The K-Street Project Gift Shop - where you can buy (or steal) an election.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President's ego.

To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!",and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,she barely said good morning,
let alone"Happy Birthday."

I thought...Well,that's marriage for you,
but the kids....They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office,I felt pretty low.

I walked into my office,my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,and by the way
Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,when Jane knocked on my door and said,"You know,It's such a beautiful day outside,and it is your Birthday,what do you say we go out to lunch,just you and me."I said,"Thanks,Jane,that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,Jane said,"You know,It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office,Do we?"
I responded,"What do you have in mind ?"
She said,"Let's drop by my apartment,it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,Jane turned to me and said,"Boss,if you don't mind,I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,after a couple of minutes,she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife,my kids,and dozens of my friends and co-workers,all singing "Happy Birthday"

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

NAKED...

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting,"13....13....13"
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting "14....14....14"...