LMAO.... A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.

A beer doesn't have a mother.

*A good beer is easy to find. * A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. *

You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.

Yep......you got it!!!

Take a 10-letter word that refers to a naughty performance...Switch the letters around and come up with a 10-letter word for wall hangings.What are the words?

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time McDonalds closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses...
The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat

10% of women think their ass is too small

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Seether---->Fake It

Oh crap....Sorry about that.....my mistake......and Oprah..there is that better

Well then maybe those people shouldnt be having babies then....thats just a thought

We do offer them a chance to further their education...and the majority would rather sit on their asses......smoke more crack......and if they had to actually do something like go to school or work,then they would miss watching Jerry Springer...and Maury

Like a lot of folks in this state I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test... Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them??

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ass. Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?????

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in...
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spitinto the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Delete Your Myspace Account Day
If you’re reading this and you’ve experienced any of the things on the list below:

1. You rarely log in to Myspace except to delete spam friend requests from nude webcam girls.

2. You spend five minutes writing a wall post only to hit an error message when you try to post it because of all the website glitches.

3. You’re a girl who constantly gets marriage proposals from random men in the middle east.

4. You visit someone’s Myspace profile only to suddenly have music start blasting out of your speakers. Bonus points if it happens to you while you’re at work.

5. You have to make redundant clicks to perform simple tasks because Myspace keeps taking you to advertisement pages where you have to click on “return to myspace profile” in order to continue what you’re doing.

6. You visit someone’s profile only to have your eyes bleed because of terrible page layout with non-matching designs and font colors.

7. Your experience is hindered because of intrusive banner ads that either talk to you or try to reach out and block your view of what you’re trying to look at.

8. You read yet another news account about how some child predator using Myspace has abducted a little girl or that some hoax myspace account has caused a teenager to commit suicide.

9. You’re frustrated with the fact that Myspace doesn’t allow you to post your contact info, meaning to contact someone you can only use Myspace’s glitchy Instant Messenger, message/email system, or wall commenting.

10. You’re tired of seeing Tom stare out at you from millions of friends lists and just wish he would change his fu**ing profile picture.

That would be the hair club for men cult

Q: I've heard that cardiovascularexercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No,not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO.. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

George Bush decides to try riding a motorcycle, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the motorcycle uninstructed, turns it on & it immediately roars into motion. As it moves along faster & faster, He begins to fall from the seat. In terror, he grips tightly on the handlebars, but can't get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the motorcycle's gastank, but he slides down the side of the motorcycle anyway. Finally giving up his frail grip, he tries to leap off the motorcyle & throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the exhaust pipes, he is now at the mercy of the motorcycles roaring wheels as his head is struck against the ground, over & over. He is moments away from unconsciousness when, to his great fortune, Wendell,the Wal-Mart greeter, sees him & unplugs the motorcycle.

Four married guys go fishing...
After an hour, the following conversation took place:
1st guy says, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
2nd guy said, "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."
3rd guy said, "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
4th guy says, "I just set my alarm for 4:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said Fishing or sex?" she said, "Wear sun-block."

And you’re the only one with a broken heart
The only one who’s afraid of the dark
The only one in a crowded room
The only one who sees a blue moon