I think you're looking at this from the position of, "I don't want to make somebody talk to me if they're not actually interested." I don't think it's as simple as that, though. Nobody's going to talk to me if I'm completely unapproachable; and because men are typically expected to be the pursuer, very few women are going to talk to me if I don't approach them first. There's nothing to suggest that the people I'd approach don't want to talk to me. It's just that because of MY actions, they never get the opportunity, whether they want to or not.

I look at a lot of this stuff as a way of creating that opportunity. There's no manipulation or mind games going on at all. I'm trying to learn how to create an opportunity where my shyness would otherwise make me completely unnoticeable. The thought of just walking up to somebody and saying, "Hey, my name's Eph. May I buy you a drink?" makes me feel so stupid that I'd welcome any instruction in making that approach.

Minneapolis, MN here. It's supposed to get down to 5 degF tonight. We had about six inches of snow yesterday, but they got the roads plowed pretty quickly. I'm impressed. Last year (my first winter here), it took days for them to clear the area around my apartment. Right now, it's just cold and dry. That's not so bad, though. My lips get chapped, but it's better than dealing with so much snow that the plows can't keep up.

_I'm_ complicating things? I'm just trying to promote discussion here. I've clearly failed to understand your intent and you're taking some impossible position that if I don't understand now, I never will.

I'm calling you out on that. Like I said -- what you're calling baggage, I'm calling standards. What is the difference, in your opinion? I'll even take back the comments about promiscuity. We'll start with a simple example. Do you think it's self-defeating for me to seek a partner who shares my faith. Why or why not?

Take care,
Eph

Heh, I'd think it were pretty cool if some of my online buddies showed up in Minneapolis and asked me for a place to stay. I'd love to have a party come to me instead of trying to go out and find a party.

Thank you, sir. This is exactly how I feel. What Jess calls baggage, I call standards.

Good [early] morning, chum. Your profile says that you enjoy "sports." Besides basketball, which you mention specifically, which do you enjoy? I'm a fan of judo, bicycling, and table tennis. (Okay, so a lot of people are going to whine that they aren't "real" sports. Bite me.)

I was kind of hoping for an explanation. I really don't understand why you think this is a good idea. Why should I date the next woman who crosses my path (and every woman thereafter?) Why should I indulge my instinctive tendency toward promiscuity? I was hoping you could elaborate and instead you just ridiculed me. Thanks.

No offense, SWEETENSEXYB, I'm here to get pointers to help get me away from the computer more often. It's a swell idea and you all can have fun with it if you like. I'm going to try to put myself in proximal company with people, 'cause I'm tired of getting my social interaction by proxy via the interblag.

But mostly miss

I'm planning on getting extremely drunk, making out with a complete stranger (hopefully female) and taking a taxi home. It sure beats hiding in my apartment, wallowing in self-pity, like I did last year.

Did you go and look up the lyrics? I'm not much of a music listener, but I recognized it when I heard it. The name, "Torn," shows up in the song, but not very prominently.

You're welcome. I'm glad to be of assistance.

Google does. It's sung by Natalie Imbruglia.

Isn't this question just a little bit too open ended? I'm buying "good" gifts for people this year, but it's not a one-size-fits-all endeavour. The best item will probably be what the individual respondent feels is the intersection of the gift he thinks he did the best job on and the person he'd most like to please this year.

For example, I think that the photographs that my sister and I are giving to our grandparents and our great aunt are the best item to buy this year.

Oh, it could be even worse. What if somebody's life really is horrid and they know it. What if they use the delete button to expose themselves to ridicule, thereby validating their negative self-image.

Just be careful with this mentality. It stands to reason that some nice guys really are genuine. Unfortunately, anybody claiming to be genuine might still just be a self-deluded sucker. This is the sort of thing where you can only know somebody's true nature by observing their actions and comparing what they do to what they say.

Has anybody here actually tried one of those speed-dating events. I've looked into them, but I can't help but shake the notion that they'll be a lot like online dating services. People will show up claiming they want to meet people but at the end of the evening, I'd have bupkus to show for my time and money.

I'm not entirely sure I know which "nice guy" stereotype you're thinking of ChiefPUA, but I think that you're incorrect. Let us just suppose that I am a nice guy.

I'll cop to insecurity. I have some self-esteem and self-image issues, some of which steams from past relationships.

None of the others really apply, though.
Controlling -- I've been accused in the past of being TOO trusting and unconcerned with my partner's behaviour. She actually admitted to me later that she was kind of offended by how easily I agreed to let her continue dancing even when I wanted to sit out a few songs.
Selfishness -- Nothing could be further from the truth. Serving other people, especially my romantic partner, is very fulfilling. I'm emotionally supportive and an eager listener. In fact, being insecure makes me ashamed of even nominally selfish behaviour. If somebody suggests I've behaved selfishly, I'm likely to go overboard trying to apologize.
Manipulation -- I can only assume that this refers to the classic, "Why do girls fall for bad boys?" rant. I'll acknowledge that as an observational fact, women DO fall for bad boys, but I don't blame anybody else for it. That would be hypocritical. Those choices reflect a strong preference that I am somehow failing to fulfill.
Anger and Violence -- Almost never. I DO have an explosive temper, but I have a long fuse and years of practice at calming myself down. I hate myself when I'm angry, so I try not to go there.

I'm sort of puzzled about this philosophy. Some limitations and boundaries are pretty obviously important. Nobody should put up with an abusive partner, for example. But people are going to have different priorities. For me, it's non-negotiable that my wife shares my faith.

And unless you're making a "free love" sort of argument, then this isn't even really all that practical. I'm picky about romantic partners because I am invariably going to invest a lot of energy into the relationship. It really ought to be somebody who pushes a lot of the right buttons rather than just anybody.

I downloaded this song a while back and when I saw this thread, I loaded up iTunes and listened to it.