Art and his wife Agnes went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Art would say, "Agnes, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Agnes would say, "I know Art, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Art and Agnes went to the fair and Art said, "Agnes, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Agnes replied, "Art, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word it's ten dollars! "

Art and Agnes agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Art, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Art replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Agnes fell out, but like Agnes always said, ten dollars is ten dollars."

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. I hope they come back soon,
like I told your dad we shouldn't have to wear
the same clothes more than a week.

About that coat you wanted me to send;
your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,
but I haven't found out what it is yet,
so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Billy Ray fell into a whisky vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went
off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Redneck Woman

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body!

I sometimes despair over my body ... the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.

As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio.

I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m., and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love...I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten, and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.

And I shall eat dessert every single day.

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to h*ll for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"


(are you ready?)














(are you sure?)








(here it comes!!!)



The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

At some point, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open.
With the grace of an individual, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

At some point, you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul.
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong.
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye you learn.

..................................

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testic%les.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.

He'd saved for twenty years for this, so he could afford a classy hotel.

Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week."

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til I get the hang of it."

Making your own laundry detergent, household cleaners, bread, bath/beauty products, and food preservation can save you a bundle...and they're not difficult to do.

When you get what you want as you struggle for self
And the world makes you queen for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that woman has to say.

For it isn't your family, friends, or foe
Who's judgement upon you must pass;
The person whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

She's the person to please, never mind all the rest,
For she's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the woman in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life,
And get pats on your back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the woman in the glass.

She's smiling today with eyes twinkling bright,
Since I'm feeling a job well done;
Today will be filled with laughter and light
Cause me and that woman are one.

I grew up in the 40s/50s with practical parents. A
mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after
she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle
queen, before they had a Name for it... A father who was happier
getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their
best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them
now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress,
lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the time
for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door,
the oven door, the hem in a dress Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy.
All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just
once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing
things away meant you knew there'd always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's
night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was
struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there
isn't any more.

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up
and goes away...never to return. So... while we have
it... it's best we love it.... and care for it... and
fix it when it's broken...... and heal it when it's
sick.

This is true for relationships..... and old cars..... and children with bad report cards..... and dogs with bad hips.... and aging
parents..... and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth
it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend
that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important,
like people we know who are special..... and so, we
keep them close!

Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them,
but you know they are always there.

Keep them close!

THINGS YOUR HIGHER POWER WON'T ASK ON THAT DAY.

Won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll
ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

Won't ask the square footage of your house,
He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

Won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll
ask how many you helped to clothe.

Won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll
ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

Won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask
if you performed your job to the best of our ability.

Won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask
how many people to whom you were a friend.

Won't ask in what neighborhood you lived,
He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

Won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll
ask about the content of your character.

Scientists explain wind as hot and cold air colliding. Those who have felt it on their skin, who know the intensity it brings to life, who have absorbed its energy as their own, would disagree. At gale force, it sweeps away all resistance. As a gentle breeze, it touches softly, inspiring our souls with its velvet caress. When the wind lifts our hair, raising it from its perennial droop to stand on end, electrified and alive, it stirs the same reaction within.
As invisible as the wind are our ideas of ourselves, our world, of those around us. From these ideas all of life flows. Too often, our concept of life is to deaden our pain in order to simply survive. This deadens our energies too, limiting life's enjoyment and choices. Learning to become one with the invisible force of air borne energy can be the path to recovery of spiritual balance.

We can...take advantage of nature's limitless supply of spiritual energies and gather power from them. The Earth and sun, flowers and wind can all be sources of spiritual exchange. Goals and focus are the determining factor: energy follows our intention and attention. It is through acting on this principle that we can learn to gather power form nature, store it and direct it with awareness back out into the greater environment in a dance of spiritual action. Breath is one of our greatest spiritual tools and is intimately linked to sustaining life. The deeper we breathe into the belly, the more vibrant and alive we feel. When we add our mental concentration or attention to breathing and a mental intention to gather even more energy, the mind becomes a second powerful tool.

In the whirlwind of life, too often we neglect to nourish ourselves upon the wind. We breathe short and shallow, rather than deep and satisfying. We ignore the wondrous aromas and sounds which are wafted our way. We allow our life to become stuffy and airless, cheating ourselves of the wind's and life's embrace.

We can equate our dependence upon air with creating a fulfilling future. Breathing is absolutely vital to us and yet we are usually unconscious of it. It is the quality of our breath that determines how alive we are, how awake, how vivacious, even how interesting our life is...Breathing is the road home to peace of mind, acceptance of your emotions and the awakening of your body intuition. The exhalation of our breath is a metaphor for our life. If we can learn to exhale fully and completely, we will become attuned to the universal need to let go before we can truly begin again. Breath is letting go, emptying out with the deep trust that the next breath will be there for us. Like the woman on top of a burning building, we have to let go completely before we can jump to safety. Isn't it amazing how many people chose to hold on to the old, to what is killing them, rather than to leap into the new?

This fear of the new is often rooted in the perception of the wayward wanderer as a nomad without purpose, a person whose dreams are comprised of useless tilts at windmills. Our society emphasizes stability and a purposeful life, even in the face of rugged challenges. It ignores the balancing force of a delightful spirit at play. Play is as necessary as work, as life giving as food on the table. Allowing our ideas to wander as close kin to the wayward wind opens us to the freedom our restless souls crave--and the electrifying excitement of life.

May the gentle breath of life's winds forever lift and carry you safely home.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for the man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ***.

There is something special about people who decide to live simply. They share a determination to step away from the mainstream to pursue a life where they are content with what they have, they reconnect with family and environment, they reduce spending, conserve resources, slow down and live each day with a purpose. They see beyond the crass consumerism that supports much of modern life, to a richer way of being that is sustained primarily by family, friends, happiness and a solid day’s work.

A simple life is a life of deliberate choices. It involves personal responsibility for how you interact with your community and your environment. It allows you to take control of your life and how you live within your neighbourhood. When you live a simplified life you won’t be an indifferent observer; you’ll make deliberate choices about the way you live and you’ll reap the benefit of those life choices.

Simple living comes in many forms and although the basics are the same for almost everyone, the overall structure of simple lives change for each person. That’s one of its benefits too. Your life feels right; it fits you perfectly. You’ll probably be giving up some things that support and comfort you to replace them with more practical requirements. We’ve all been encouraged to nurture ourselves with products like clothes, shoes, furniture and every type of electrical appliance imaginable. This not only causes stress by having to pay for it all and adding more clutter to our homes, but it also stops us having a clear view of ourselves. We become defined by our possessions instead of who we are. Decluttering our minds and our homes is a part of this simple change.

Learning to live a simple life will give you the skills to unburden yourself of unhealthy lifestyle choices. Freeing your mind and slowing down allows you to develop positive patterns to replace negative ones. You will develop a new awareness of who you are and see how your life fits into your family, your community and your place in the world. Instead of doing what you’ve always done because that’s “what most people do”, you will make new decisions to meet your needs and stop living on autopilot. This is what I mean when I say you will live deliberately. You will decide what you want your life to become and make the decisions to make that life happen.

Simple living relies more on people, nature, learning, generosity and an open heart than it does on products and the relentless quest for them. You don’t need to live according to the grandiose dreams of some advertising copywriter or your teenage fantasies. You can pare back your desires and simplify your ambitions, leave the rat race to the rats and dessert ship. I believe that a successful life is one that’s lived with the people you love surrounding you, few financial worries, a clear direction and the ability to gain satisfaction from the work you do - be that a vegetable garden, raising your children, projects in your local community or a paid job.

A simple life is a mixture of being thrifty and working towards living debt-free, saving resources, being content with what you have, slowing down, reinventing yourself by working towards identified goals, rediscovering your family and your environment, cooking from scratch, shopping wisely and less often, looking after what you have and caring about your environment. It is changing how you see your place in the world. Instead of identifying as someone who deserves everything a modern American should have, it changes those desires to focus more on family, community, generosity and sustainability.

Living this way is not easy but it beats being in debt and living a self-indulgent life hands down. If you simplify you’ll probably shed some of the possessions you’ve worked and paid for that are superfluous to your needs. You’ll do more cooking and less eating out. Initially you’ll work harder because you’ll need to create an organised, less cluttered home but this will allow you to reap the benefits of that organisation. You’ll see the wisdom of shopping wisely and less often and you’ll be encouraged to pay off your debt faster than you would in your old life. But as the months and years roll by, you’ll see the value of those strategies and you’ll look at your non-simplified friends and neighbours and be glad you left that all behind.

You are strong when you take your grief and teach it to smile.
You are brave when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.
You are happy when you see a flower and give it your blessing.
You are loving when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.
You are wise when you know the limits of your wisdom.
You are true when you admit there are times you fool yourself.
You are alive when tomorrow's hope means more to you than yesterday's mistake.
You are growing when you know what you are but not what you will become.
You are free when you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others.
You are honorable when you find your honor is to honor others.
You are generous when you can take as sweetly as you can give.
You are humble when you do not know how humble you are.
You are thoughtful when you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are.
You are merciful when you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself.
You are beautiful when you don't need a mirror to tell you.
You are rich when you never need more than what you have.
You are you when you are at peace with who you are not.

What Men Want Women To Know...

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

It is neither in your best intrest or ours to take the quiz together.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazine.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE RULE:
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.


50 REASONS TO BE GLAD YOU'RE A MAN...

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
5. You can open all of your own jars.
6. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
7. Your as*s is never a factor in a job interview
8. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
9. You can kill your own food.
10. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
11. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic and think that everyone secretly hates you.
12. Your last name stays put.
13. You never have to clean the toilet.
14. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
15. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
16. Your underwear costs $10 for a 5 pack.
17. You don't have to shave below your neck.
18. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy as*s every nite.
19. You can write your name in the snow.
20. Everything on your face stays its original color.
21. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
22. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
23. Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk into the room.
24. You don't give a rat's as*s if someone notices your new haircut.
25. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me".
26. Hot wax never comes near your public area.
27. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
28. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
29. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
30. Same work......more pay.
31. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
32. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
33. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tux rental - $100.
34. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries (at least in theory that is).
35. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
36. The remote is yours and yours alone.
37. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
38. You can drop by and see a friend without bringing a little gift.
39. Bachelor parties are more fun than bridal showers.
40. You can buy condoms without the store clerk imagining you naked.
41. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
42. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong friends.
43. The occasional well-rounded belch is practically expected.
44. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
45. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
46. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries, not even your own.
47. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: "So....notice anything different?"
48. Baywatch
49. There is always a game on somewhere.
50. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F**k It".

TYPES OF MEN YOU MIGHT SEE IN THE MENS RESTROOM
**EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
**SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a pis*s whether he has to or not.
**CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
**TIMID: Can't pis*s if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
**INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pis*ses in sink.
**CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pis*ses on floor.
**WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
**FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
**ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pis*ses in pants.
**CHILDISH: Pis*ses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
**SNEAK: Farts silently while pis*sing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
**PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
**DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pis*ses in pants.
**TOUGH: Bangs pecker on side of urinal to dry it.
**EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
**FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pis*ses in shoe.
**LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
**DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pis*ses in pants.
**DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
**CONCEITED: Holds two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.
**RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pis*ses on wall.
DRUNK : Pulls pen*is out of pants, looks down, sees two, puts one back. Pe*es in pants.
LUCKY : Finishes, and shakes it off by swinging it against the sides of the urinal.

To live as gently as I can;
To be, no matter where, a hu-man;
To take what comes of good or ill,
And cling to faith and honor still;

To do my best, and let that stand
The record of my brain and hand;
And then, should failure come to me,
Still work and hope for victory.

To have no secret place wherein
I stoop unseen to shame or sin;
To be the same when I'm alone
As when my every deed is known.

To live undaunted, unafraid
Of any step that I have made;
To be without pretense or sham
Exactly what humanity thinks I am.

To leave some simple work behind
To keep my having lived in mind;
If enmity to aught I show,
To be an honest, generous foe.

To play my little part, nor whine
That greater honors are not mine.
This I believe is all I need
For my philosophy and my creed.

Years ago a hardworking man took his family from New York State to Australia to take advantage of a work opportunity there. Part of this man's family was a handsome young son who had aspirations of joining the circus as a trapeze artist or an actor. This young fellow, biding his time until a circus job or even one as a stagehand came along, worked at the local shipyards which bordered on the worse section of town.

Walking home from work one evening this young man was attacked by five thugs who wanted to rob him. Instead of just giving up his money the young fellow resisted. However they bested him easily and proceeded to beat him to a pulp. They mashed his face with their boots, and kicked and beat his body brutally with clubs, leaving him for dead. When the police happened to find him lying in the road they assumed he was dead and called for the Morgue Wagon.

On the way to the morgue a policeman heard him gasp for air, and they immediately took him to the emergency unit at the hospital. When he was placed on a gurney a nurse remarked to her horror, that this young man no longer had a face. Each eye socket was smashed, his skull, legs, and arms fractured, his nose literally hanging from his face, all is teeth were gone, and his jaw was almost completely torn from his skull.

Although his life was spared, he spent over a year in the hospital. When he finally left, his body may have healed but his face was disgusting to look at. He was no longer the handsome youth that everyone admired. When the young man started to look for work again he was turned down by everyone just on account of the way he looked. One potential employer suggested to him that he join the freak show at the circus as The Man Who Had No Face. And he did this for a while. He was still rejected by everyone and no one wanted to be seen in his company. He had thoughts of suicide. This went on for five years.

One day he passed a church and sought some solace there. Entering the church he encountered a priest who had saw him sobbing while kneeling in a pew. The priest took pity on him and took him to the rectory where they talked at length. The priest was impressed with him to such a degree that he said that he would do everything possible for him that could be done to restore his dignity and life, if the young man would promise to be the best Catholic he could be, and trust in God's mercy to free him from his torturous life. The young man went to Mass and communion every day, and after thanking God for saving his life, asked God to only give him peace of mind and the grace to be the best man he could ever be in His eyes.

The priest, through his personal contacts was able to secure the services of the best plastic surgeon in Australia. There would be no cost to the young man, as the doctor was the priest's best friend. The doctor too was so impressed by the young man, whose outlook now on life, even though he had experienced the worst, was filled with good humor and love.

The surgery was a miraculous success. All the best dental work was also done for him. The young man became everything he promised God he would be. He was also blessed with a wonderful, beautiful wife, many children, and success in an industry which would have been the furthest thing from his mind as a career, if not for the goodness of God and the love of the people who cared for him. This he acknowledges publicly.

The young man?…Mel Gibson.

His life was the inspiration for his production of the movie "The Man Without A Face."

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
No one else will know, so you won’t be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line.

Here's the situation:
You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever.

You know that by giving a little assistance you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.