Believing in the future lends power to my present…I will try to succeed today in what matters.

Never Argue With A Woman…

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking it was obvious).

"You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading" she replies.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says.

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."


Almost Perfect Life…


An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multi-millionaire. I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."


The Wish…

A humble woodsman lived with his wife in a clearing in the forest near the king's castle. Every day the woodsman wished he was a king living in the castle. One day the king paid a visit to the woodsman's cottage with a proposal. The king's physician had ordered him to take a complete rest from his duties and he needed someone to rule over the kingdom while he rested. He asked the woodsman if he would sit in as the king's prefect. The woodsman was overjoyed. He and his wife packed and left immediately for the castle leaving the king to rest in the cottage.

That very day the woodsman took the throne and began to rule the kingdom. Right away two men came arguing about a lot of land each desired. Who should get the land? Next a wandering knight called to ask if he could stay at the castle for a time. Would that be all right? Then the king's cook came to complain that he needed meat for the upcoming feast. Where would they get the meat? No sooner had the cook left when the sergeant of the guard brought in one of his men for punishment. What punishment should be levied? At the same time, the sheriff brought in a thief caught stealing a neighbor's chicken. What should his punishment be? Then the king's clerk came to request more funds to repair the castle's roof. How much could he have? Finally the queen's maid came and informed the woodsman that several bolts of cloth were needed to complete the gown the queen was having made for herself. Could she have more money?

The bewildered woodsman put his hands to his head and shook his head slowly from side to side. The king's role had looked very appealing until the woodsman realized how much responsibility it is to rule a kingdom. Many other burdens were put on him before he finally left the castle. After just two days he returned to his cottage and begged the king to reassume the throne. The king smiled and mounted his horse to return to the castle. Never before had the woodsman so appreciated his humble setting and simple tasks. Never again would he wish to be a grand and powerful king.

Moral: It pays to be content with your lot.



Student and Master...

"How can I be a great man - like you?" asked the student.

"Why be a great man?" said the master.
"Being a man is great enough achievement."

The master sat in rapt attention as the renowned economist
explained his blueprint for development.

"Should growth be the only consideration in an economic theory?" he asked.

"Yes. All growth is good in itself," said the economist.

"Isn't that the thinking of the cancer cell?" said the master.

The master would laugh at those of his disciples who deliberated endlessly before making up their mind.

The way he put it was, "People who deliberate fully before they take a step will spend their lives on one leg."

The master offered the perfect solution to a married couple that forever quarrelling.

He said, "Just stop claiming as a right what you can ask for as a favor."

The quarrelling instantly stopped.

The disciples were absorbed in a discussion of Lao Tzu's dictum:

"Those who know do not say.
Those who say do not know."

When the master entered they asked him exactly what the words meant.

Said the master, "which of you knows the fragrance of a rose?"

All of them knew.

Then he said, "Put it into words."

All of them were silent.

To the disciple who was overly respectful the master said.

"Light is reflected on a wall. Why venerate the wall? Be attentive to the light."

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Nev er to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked


2. Bring alcohol

A forest spirit called Musa once spoke to a man, a hunter looking
for food for his family. In the great forest full of trees, the
spirit singled out twelve types of tree and told the man that if he
crushed some of the bark of these twelve trees into powder and then
mixed the powder with water, he would have a paste to spread on
himself that would make him invisible to the animals of the forest.

People have always longed to be invisible - the hunter more than
most, and the journalist with camera no less than the killer with
arrow or gun.

In the forest full of trees the spirit singled out twelve types of
tree. For anyone accustomed to dealing with symbols the number
twelve in this context comes as no surprise. Twelve is a most potent
number in any culture. J.C. Cooper, in An Illustrated Encyclopedia of Traditional Symbols, says that the Duodecad is a complete cycle.

It represents cosmic order. "As three times four it is a both the
spiritual and the temporal order, the esoteric and the exoteric.
There are twelve signs of the zodiac and twelve months of the year,"
twelve hours of the day and night, twelve fruits of the cosmic tree,
twelve members of the council of the Dalai Lama, twelve disciples of
Christ, twelve tribes of Israel, twelve labors of Heracles, twelve
knights of the round table, twelve gates and foundations of the holy
city of the New Jerusalem, twelve in a modern jury-the list goes on
and on.

One tree alone would not confer invisibility; twelve types are
needed. By the time the hunter has sought out the twelve types of
tree he must know a lot about the forest. By the time he has
gathered the bark and ground it and made the paste he has become so
knowledgeable about nature and so in tune with its ways that he no
longer stands out as an alien in the forest. In a sense he has
become the forest.

Because this is a myth and because the language is symbolic, the
intent of the hunt is not only to kill an animal for food in the
literal sense, but to rid oneself of the one's alienation from the
nature. We want to become "invisible" in the sense of dropping the
personal identity that separates and prevents us from becoming part
of the whole.

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.

I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put 'em further up on our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I joined a health club last year, spent about $400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I would have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I was standing in the airport when you smiled at me.

I had on an ugly straw hat, jeans, an oversized t-shirt. I felt smushed and crumpled after my five-hour flight.

And I hated standing there next to my overweight, gregarious, altogether embarrassing mother, the one who had forced the hat on my head in the first place so she wouldn't have to carry it.

I felt awkward, and tired, as other travelers left through the doors next to us scowling, or smiling at each other, or giving my out-of-place hat funny looks.

And my arms hurt from the heavy suitcases I held in both hands.
I can't remember why I waited there so long. Anyway, I hated it. I even hated myself. I felt like I could have taught Dork 101 at the college level.

Then you came by. You didn't look away, or act secretly, unkindly amused at my expense.

You just looked straight at me and smiled a real smile. Not a smile that meant you laughed at me, or a polite smile aimed above my head. A real, friendly smile.

And suddenly I didn't care about my dorkyness, my crumpled clothes, my mother. I smiled back at you.

And in that moment, we were friends.

Sometimes friendship is as simple (or as complicated) as that.

This is a letter I could never send because I don't know who you are, or where you left to that day in Phoenix.


But thank you.

You are...My pillow.
Enveloping me in your soft folds of comfort.

Eyes closed, your gentle caress soothes my concerns
and carries my thoughts to a bed of pure contentment.

Completely satisfied, I lay in your sweet embrace,
longing to remain indefinitely.

This is love.

What is love, but an emotion,
So strong and so pure,
That nurtured and shared with another
All tests it will endure?

What is love, but a force
To bring the mighty low,
With the strength to shame the mountains
And halt time’s ceaseless flow?

What is love, but a triumph,
A glorious goal attained,
The union of two souls, two hearts
A bond the angels have ordained?

What is love, but a champion,
To cast the tyrant from his throne,
And raise the flag of truth and peace,
And fear of death o’erthrow?

What is love, but a beacon,
To guide the wayward heart,
A blazing light upon the shoals
That dash cherished dreams apart?

And what is love, but forever,
Eternal and sincere,
A flame that through wax and wane
Will outlive life’s brief years?

So I’ll tell it on the mountaintops,
In all places high and low,
That love for you is my reason to be,
And will never break or bow.

The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!," the teacher said.

Now, Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him with the strangestlook on her face. "Now, Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was moaning, 'O God, I'm coming!' And if Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!"

One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter.

A man and his son were walking in the forest.

Suddenly the boy trips and feeling a sharp pain he screams, "Ahhhhh!" Surprised, he hears a voice coming from the mountain, "Ahhhhh!" Filled with curiosity, he screams: "Who are you?" but the only answer he receives is: "Who are you?"
This makes him angry, so he screams: "You are a coward!"
and the voice answers: "You are a coward!"

He looks at his father, asking, "Dad, what is going on?"
"Son," the man replies, "pay attention!"

Then he screams, "I admire you!"
The voice answers: "I admire you!"
The father shouts, "You are wonderful!",
and the voice answers: "You are wonderful!"

The boy is surprised, but still can't understand what is going on.
Then the father explains,

"People call this 'ECHO', but truly it is 'LIFE!'
Life always gives you back what you give out!
Life is a mirror of your actions.

If you want more love, give more love!
If you want more kindness, give more kindness!
If you want understanding and respect, give understanding and respect!
If you want people to be patient and respectful to you, give patience and respect!

This rule of nature applies to every aspect of our lives.

Life always gives you back what you give out.

Your life is not a coincidence, but a mirror of your own doings.

"A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving." Lao-tzu

When seeking inner peace, are you a good traveler, or do we insist upon knowing the outcome of our journey? Too often, we stifle our restless spirit when we refuse to enjoy the adventure and concentrate only upon the ultimate destination.

You can't get a beginning journey without actually beginning. There's no other way to say it. You start by starting. You give up your perfectionism. What has perfectionism done for you lately anyway?

Perfectionism as an excuse may mask a deeper problem: Have we accepted ourselves as spiritual wanderers? Is this why we struggle against our inspiration...delaying the journey process until we've learned more, become more proficient or the circumstances of our life change? There are times when it is hard to believe we are truly ready right now...right now...but we are. At this very moment, we possess everything we need to be spiritual wanderers. Accepting our readiness brings the courage to let our spirits emerge; this, in turn, allows us to embark upon extraordinary journeys.

If we could work subtly like water seeping deep into the earth. The water springing out of the ground today fell as rain thousands, even millions of years ago. No one knows much about the life of this hidden water, where it goes, what happens to it among the deep-hidden stones. But one day, released by gravity, it rises out of darkness, and, amazingly, the water springs up completely pure and fresh. If you sit in silence and listen for a few minutes, the words and water will begin to sink in. Let that happen, then let the wisdom do its work. Don't expect or anticipate any result, be but alert to whatever happens. Whatever happens is good. For out of the stillness emerges vision and out of the darkness comes light.

We need to not only accept our inner wisdom but allow it to express itself over time. While all of us might wish for fast and sustained growth, "hothouse" spiritualism is not the ideal. Forced spiritual growth, like vegetables that are artificially rushed, tends to have a flat, cardboard taste to it. There is something hollow, mechanistic, even flavorless in growth that lacks the succulence of full germination which only time can bring.

In order to succeed spiritually, we must learn to be discerning gardeners. We may speak of having the "seed" of an idea, and we need to take that image literally. For a seed to sprout and mature into a healthy adult plant, it requires both care and nourishment and time. The seeds of our spiritual growth likewise require enough solitude and space to grow unhindered over time.

As gardeners, we are much gentler with a growing plant than we are with our spiritual growth. We don't expect the flower to bloom before we begin. We see the necessity for hoeing the ground, planting the seed, watering the earth and pulling the weeds. Though the work may be hard, we are still able to enjoy the tasks and the setting, all the while anticipating the beauty we are creating. Our spiritual garden deserves the same patience. Only then will our efforts bloom, bringing splendor to our world, peace to our soul...and perhaps others...allowing an enriched life well-lived.

It has been a long, difficult, and weary journey for this weary traveler on the road of life. But her fondest heartfelt hope is that peace may enter the lives, souls, and minds of all, who...perhaps like herself...continue to strive toward their final destination "place" in life.

I care not "when" I may arrive or reach that destination...only that I continually move my "spirit" towards it.

> What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look
> for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My
> question is: Would you have made the same choice?
>
> At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children
> with learning disabilities, the father of one of the
> students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by
> all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
>
> 'When not interfered with by outside influences,
> everything nature does, is done with perfection.
>
> Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do.
> He cannot understand things as other children do.
>
> Where is the natural order of things in my son?'
>
> The audience was stilled by the query.
>
> The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like
> Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes
> into the world, an opportunity to realize true human
> nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people
> treat that child.'
>
> Then he told the following story:
>
> Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew
> were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think
> they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys
> would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a
> father I also understood that if my son were allowed to
> play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and
> some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his
> handicaps.
>
> I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not
> expecting
>
> much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for
> guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the
> game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team
> and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth
> inning.'
>
> Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a
> broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being
> accepted.
>
> In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored
> a few runs but was still behind by three.
>
> In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and
> played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way,
> he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the
> field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the
> stands.
>
> In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored
> again..
>
> Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential
> winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at
> bat.
>
> At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their
> chance to win the game?
>
> Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a
> hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know
> how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the
> ball.
>
> However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
>
> The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
>
> The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball
> softly towards Shay.
>
> As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow
> ground ball right back to the pitcher.
>
> The game would now be over.
>
> The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have
> easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
>
> Shay would have been out and that would have been the end
> of the game.
>
> Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first
> baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
>
> Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling,
> 'Shay, run to first!
>
> Run to first!'
>
> Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to
> first base.
>
> He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
>
> Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
>
> Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second,
> gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
>
> B y the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right
> fielder had the ball. The smallest guy on their team who
> now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
>
> He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the
> tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he,
> too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the
> third-baseman' s head.
>
> Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead
> of him circled the bases toward home.
>
> All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way
> Shay'
>
> Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran
> to help him by turning him in the direction of
> third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
>
> Shay, run to third!'
>
> As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the
> spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run
> home! Run home!'
>
> Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as
> the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his
> team
>
> 'That day', said the father softly with tears now
> rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped
> bring a piece of true love and humanity into this
> world'.
>
> Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that
> winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me
> so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully
> embrace her little hero of the day!
>
> AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:
>
> We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a
> second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about
> life choices, people hesitate.
>
> The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.
>
> If you're thinking about forwarding this message,
> chances are that you're probably sorting out the people
> in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.
>
> We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to
> help realize the 'natural order of things.'
>
> So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people
> present us with a choice:
>
> Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do
> we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little
> bit colder in the process?
>
> A wise man once said every society is judged by how it
> treats it's least fortunate amongst them.
>
> You now have two choices:
>
> 1. Delete
>
> 2. Forward

> May your day, be a Shay Day.

do not have to search, for they find their niche early in
life and rest there seemingly contented and resigned. At times I envy them, but usually I do not understand them…and seldom do they
understand me. I am one of the searchers.

There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we completely content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach; we are drawn by the ocean…taken by its power and unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests, mountains, deserts, hidden rivers, and lovely cities.

Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter. To share our sadness with the ones we love is perhaps as great a joy as we know, unless it is to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself and for anything beautiful it can provide.

Most of all, we want to love and be loved, to live in a relationship that will not impede our wanderings and prevent our search. We do not want to prove ourselves to others or compete for love.

This passage is for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers who dare to ask
of life everything that which is good and beautiful…

Don't grow too old for birthdays
And fun things you used to do
Don't give up your dreams because
you feel they won't come true

Don't forget the sound of laughter
Or the love in someone's eyes
Don't trade memories for pleasures
All that in a moment dies

Don't give up your zest for living
Saying you are much too old
Is this what you feel, or is it?
Something that you've been told

There's a valley deep within us
Where there is eternal Spring
Where there is no sound of sorrow
And the birds forever sing

Though your gait is not as steady
Now as once it used to be
And your vision's clouding over
Things you used to clearly see

Do not let the weight of decades
Turn you into bitter gall
For with age there comes a wisdom
That's a blessing to us all

Hold your years up like a banner
Wave it brightly in the sun
When folks tell you life is over
Tell them it has just begun

Loneliness can never touch you
If you don't allow it to
And in sharing love with others
It will be given back to you!

The great end of art is to strike the imagination with the power of a soul that refuses to admit defeat even in the midst of a collapsing world.



Steps We Take…

Steps we take to paradise
While on this earth below
The beauty of magnificence
The glory that we know
Wandering within this bliss
My heart will always see
What beauty lies upon the earth
That sets the heart so free.

Minister’s Joke…

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Minister’s Sermon…

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


Break-in Burgler…

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"


Modern World Morals…


Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"



How Was I Born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date Via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded Room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my Hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later A little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this ....

'You got Male!


Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Golden Lab Retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping..' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.


The Birthday Gift

This man and woman were having a wonderful home-cooked meal, but the wife was very quiet. The man thought "uh-oh" I've forgotten something. So after dinner he said, "Honey, what's wrong? What did I do or forget?"

She looked at him with a very stern look on her face and said, "IT'S OUR 15th ANNIVERSARY TODAY!!! TOMORROW THERE HAD BETTER BE A GIFT IN THE DRIVEWAY FOR ME THAT CAN GO FROM 0 TO 200 IN 6 SECONDS OR LESS OR WE'RE THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When she got up the next day, there was a gift in the drive. She brought it into the house and unwrapped it.................It was a brand new bathroom scale!!!!!!!!!!!

Not sure if he ever came back home...


Mechanic and Cardiologist

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

A Story of Two Months...

Becky and Tommy walk down the halls together. Alone, everyday--as close as two people can be. Sharing laughs, good times, and life...they've become the best of friends--so far, inseparable. The school wouldn't be the same if they were apart. That special gleam in Becky's eyes says so. But in two months a lot will happen. In two months, Becky hopes to graduate, and in two months, Tommy will be born. It's all about choices. Children fill a hole in your heart you never knew existed.

"Life is a precious gift. Don't waste it by being anything less than you can be..."


Moments...

I want to appreciate the times when
moments are made into memories...

I want to embrace them. Cherish them.
And never forget they come so few
and far between.

I know that wherever life takes me,
these moments will always follow.

They remind me of what's truly important.
It's not just life - but living.

It's the journey, the destination
and all points in between.

AND, I must admit,
I like what I see...

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to your self; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can summon your life on the edge of the lake and shout at the silver of the full moon.

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Lift your head. Look up. Respect all. Fear none. Speak with silence. And Let the Spirit World take care of the rest for we harmonize with life by loving.

From Me to You!

Blind Man Here…

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the doorbell ring, she yelled, "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the doorbell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around
herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?" and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."


Car Breakdown…

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.


Money Talks

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."


The Priest Who Lost His Cock…

A priest had lost his **** (Male hen) and didn't know where to find it.

So at the sermon next day he asked, "Has anybody got the ****?" All the men stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen the ****?" All the women folk stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen my ****?" All the nuns stood up.

I may never see tomorrow;
There's no written guarantee
And things that happened yesterday
Belong to history.

I cannot predict the future
I cannot change the past
I have just the present moments
I must treat them as my last.

I must use this moment wisely
For it soon will pass away
And be lost forever
As part of yesterday.

I must exercise compassion
Help the fallen to their feet
Be a friend unto the friendless
Make an empty life complete.

The unkind things I do today
May never be undone
And friendships that I fail to win
May nevermore be won.

I may not have another chance
On bended knee to pray
And be thankful with a humble heart
For giving me this day.

It's each ones dream to leave the nest,
That they have much to give,
To spread their wings and fly above,
So many years to live.

To taste the smooth red wine that bites,
The taste buds and the lips,
The heady feeling so unique,
Embarking on life's trips.

Forgotten for a long, long time,
The years speed on their way,
So many places to be seen,
So very much to say.

Awakened now as from a sleep,
A tugging of the soul,
A need to search for that which seems,
To be what will console.

And one by one they all come back,
Gone now the urge to roam,
For in the end they realize,
That all roads lead to home.

We see the touch of softness
No matter where we go
Love within a mountain
Hearts that reach below

Take this time to notice
The treasures of this earth
Each life on earth a purpose
Such grandeur in their worth

Beauty we can measure
In sight that we can see
Always there's a softness
That fills the soul with glee

This circle keeps on going
In life and love sustained
Always there's tomorrow
With joy that has remained.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their
cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the
wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's
half the price..'

Heard on the PA system moments later: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we
have a husband down...'