What Men Want Women To Know...

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

It is neither in your best intrest or ours to take the quiz together.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazine.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE RULE:
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.


50 REASONS TO BE GLAD YOU'RE A MAN...

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
5. You can open all of your own jars.
6. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
7. Your as*s is never a factor in a job interview
8. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
9. You can kill your own food.
10. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
11. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic and think that everyone secretly hates you.
12. Your last name stays put.
13. You never have to clean the toilet.
14. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
15. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
16. Your underwear costs $10 for a 5 pack.
17. You don't have to shave below your neck.
18. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy as*s every nite.
19. You can write your name in the snow.
20. Everything on your face stays its original color.
21. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
22. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
23. Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk into the room.
24. You don't give a rat's as*s if someone notices your new haircut.
25. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me".
26. Hot wax never comes near your public area.
27. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
28. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
29. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
30. Same work......more pay.
31. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
32. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
33. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tux rental - $100.
34. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries (at least in theory that is).
35. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
36. The remote is yours and yours alone.
37. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
38. You can drop by and see a friend without bringing a little gift.
39. Bachelor parties are more fun than bridal showers.
40. You can buy condoms without the store clerk imagining you naked.
41. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
42. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong friends.
43. The occasional well-rounded belch is practically expected.
44. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
45. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
46. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries, not even your own.
47. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: "So....notice anything different?"
48. Baywatch
49. There is always a game on somewhere.
50. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F**k It".

TYPES OF MEN YOU MIGHT SEE IN THE MENS RESTROOM
**EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
**SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a pis*s whether he has to or not.
**CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
**TIMID: Can't pis*s if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
**INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pis*ses in sink.
**CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pis*ses on floor.
**WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
**FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
**ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pis*ses in pants.
**CHILDISH: Pis*ses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
**SNEAK: Farts silently while pis*sing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
**PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
**DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pis*ses in pants.
**TOUGH: Bangs pecker on side of urinal to dry it.
**EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
**FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pis*ses in shoe.
**LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
**DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pis*ses in pants.
**DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
**CONCEITED: Holds two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.
**RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pis*ses on wall.
DRUNK : Pulls pen*is out of pants, looks down, sees two, puts one back. Pe*es in pants.
LUCKY : Finishes, and shakes it off by swinging it against the sides of the urinal.

that pretty much covers it--lol