embarrasingly i've only got a small chopper

off my beer get your own

managing director of a sex shop

what times the next bus?

no he's not he's drinking all the stock

chat show security

what me being a chef an all i almost suffer from cds

This should be dedicated to the one you love


Ooo. you make me live
whatever this world can give to me
It's you, you're all I see
Ooo, you make me live now honey
Ooo, you make me live
You're the best friend
that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
You're my best friend
Ooo, you make me live
I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you
In rain or shine
You've stood by me girl
I'm happy, happy at home
You're my best friend.
You're the first one
When things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love
The things that you do
You're my best friend
Ooo, you make me live.
I'm happy, happy at home
You're my best friend
You're my best friend
Ooo, you make me live
You, you're my best friend.

uses motor oil for a hair product (jealousy is a nasty business)

these are so funny i got tears in my eyes and a stich in my ribs from laughing

So, a duck walked into a bar, and asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender replied, "No, this isn't a grocery store, get the hell out of here!" So, the duck came back the next day, and asked the bartender "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender said "No, I told you before, this isn't a grocery store, and I don't have any grapes, now leave!" So the duck came back the next day, and asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The angry bartender said, "NO! And if you come back and ask me that again, I will nail your butt to the wall! Now leave!" So, the duck came back the next day, and asked the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, said, "No, why?" The duck said, "In that case, do you have any grapes?"



A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!"
"Your eyes work", replies the duck, wryly.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"And your ears", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".

"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that... it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

The landlord watches, astounded, as the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

The duck visits regularly for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The owner of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the owner, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires, a bit bemused.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"What, the place with the big tent?. Big canvas roof, hole in the middle, loads of animals?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "Why would they want a plasterer"

A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, "Cash or check?" and the duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

NOTE: These are actual quotes taken from employee evaluation reports.

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

cool joke

10 out of 10 for that my friend that was a full belly laugh that one

cheating is unforgiveable

did it work you're the second person to comment maybe i should thanks guys i'll let you know how it finally pans out

Hey as they always say beauty is only skin deep you have got a lot to offer the right man and that right man will love you for who you are

Bloody good luck my heart goes out to you and all the best for the future, after what you've been through you only deserve the best

this comes to you heart felt all the way from Portugal

good luck

Dave

tried that but feel guilty but maybe you're right