more big brother yeah US is draughting a bill as we speak no mention of india or china doing it though biggest polluters in the world

woke up once not in my bed and with a cow

DO YOU BREED FAST THEN

surely you could sum it all up in one word COMUNICATION

too right there my friend

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

THE BOYS OF SUMMER

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

deleted words with type of donkey Rhymes with gas

The
Pastor's ***

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.

The local paper read:


PASTOR'S
*** OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read


BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
***.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS *** FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.



The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's *** and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day!

Women are evil

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'

The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS

YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE

hey this is my first day welcome

thank you it was very sudden and she was only 43, what a waste i'd never heard it before but it just seemed to strike a cord at the time now have it on a poster and i'm not that religious

thats the brits for you!!

read out recently at my wife's funeral blimey did i cry

Footprints In the
Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking
Along the beach with the lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints
Other times there were only one set of footprints

This bothered me because I noticed that during
The low periods of my life, when I was suffering
From anguish, sorrow, or defeat, I could see only
One set of footprints.

So I said to the lord “You promised me, lord that if
I followed you; you would walk with me always.
But I noticed that during the most trying periods
Of my life there have only been one set of prints
In the sand. Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied “My dear child. The times when you
Have seen only one set of footprints,
That is when I carried you.

the picture on the box show's 32oz of meat sizzling away she thought it came in the box with the BBQ

Woman returns a disposable BBQ to the supermarket
Walks to the information desk and starts to shout at the supervisor
“I bought this BBQ in here and there was no meat in it”
pointing to the picture in the box
“Have you got the receipt?” asked the supervisor
The woman proudly produces the receipt and hands it over
The supervisor looks at the receipt and says to the woman
“It says here that you bought three, where are the other two?”
“I popped them in the freezer”

Wouldn’t be so funny if it wasn’t true!!!

yeah they call it shell fish rice what imagination they have the food is basic but always fresh and tasty
or as the locals say Arroz de Marisco

blimey cold shower for you lot

been a bit low today but you all makin me smile

well you get them everywhere they can't help it must be some sort of dissorder me thinks