Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What do you call a man who cries when he masturbates? A tearjerker.

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost
killed him.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come".

Why are cowgirls bowlegged? Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A
geneologist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your
family bush!

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it
takes an entire emergency room to get it out!

What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

eh, from friends, mainly, some I make myself, others from funny, I have
a few I posted myself on funny

It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on
the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small Step for Man, One Giant
Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks -- usual
communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and mission
control. Before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmounaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned as to what the "Good luck,
Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05 Tampa Bay, Fl),
while anwering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the
26 year old question. He finally responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died so Niel Armstrong felt he
could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in the
backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his
neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As
Neil leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.
Gorsky.

"Oral sex! It's oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next
door walks on the moon!"

((by the way, it is a true story, give me an hour and I will find the
interview...))

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She
put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST
NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS
PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened
the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had
no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to
consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old
man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you! She snorted. "You
don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat
you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.

"Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back,
beamed a big broad smile and said... "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she
puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car
in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little
boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a
baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man
replies after considering the position he's in. "Twenty-five dollars,"
the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?" the man repeats
incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears
a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with
her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes,
it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy
asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is
completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them,"
replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the
father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?
That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must
confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he
hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the
confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here,
isn't it?" To which the priest exclaims, "Don't you start that **** in
here."

yeah, most people do, cuz there is less reading, my next one is both
great and short, its up there now, like I said, imma be doing these for
a good while

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water
hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal
in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to
have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the
only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear,
you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was,
said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be
female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put
it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his
wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the
bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and
gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for
these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought
the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish
that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear
was gay."

A warning to all Grandmas... be careful what you say... Little Stevie
was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing
outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and
asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in
the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Stevie just said, "Oh, OK." and went back outside to talk and
play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is
not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! -- and Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you!!"

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little
boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and
Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy
started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his
grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're
still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother
asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you
start to laugh! what is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and
asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an
example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go
ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When
everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

fortunately for me, its my best friends story, I just submitted it for
him cuz he aint on the site, ha ha

if ya like those, look for more, I will be posting them for at least the
next 3 hours

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose,
cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school
clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school,
came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and
stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove
home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the
checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it
was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry,
vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to
pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set
out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,

breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was
exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed
where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through
without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's
being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way
they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night." Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

got another funny up

It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year in high school
that my friend Doug and I were out at night patrolling the neighborhood
for a potential something to do.

This had been our nightly routine for some time now, and was basically
an excuse to walk around looking cool and smoke. The night was going its
usual pace and after an appetizer of kicking over a few garbage cans and
knocking on a couple of doors and running away, it was time for our main
course. Now when I say "main course" don't think that there was one
all-inclusive, high and mighty event that we use to close the evening
with. It was just the time of night that we did whatever it took to
exceed our prior doings for that evening.

It was then we saw our destiny. Across the street we spotted two
beautiful blonde girls walking together. We crossed the street,
approached them, and started our best 'slick-****' conversation to get
them to want to hang with us. Well whatever we said, it worked and they
went off walking with us.

I don't recall if it was Doug or I who suggested it, but we asked them
if they wanted to go have a seance in this dark alley with us. They
agreed and Doug ran home real quick to get a candle from his house to
make it official. Upon his return, we began to make our way down the
alley, already beginning to speak of death and demons to get the girls
in the mood. It's kinda funny how when you are a teenager and you come
across someone you want to **** (which was just about anyone), you
subconsciously do the furthest thing from sexual seduction possible. The
extent of a 'turn off' I was about to pull, was a horror that not even I
could predict.

We made our way to a flat part of the alley, sat in a circle, placed the
candle in the center and lit it. We began our best scare technique, that
was to the best of our teenage male minds, just what they needed to
scare them into sexual submission. Our attempt was meager at best and
would have failed to scare a toddler let alone teenage girls. It was
then out of desperation, that Doug had an idea that would send me to a
state of embarrassment and humiliation that is inconceivable. He leaned
over to me and whispered, "Why don't you pull down your pants and fart
on the candle flame. It will shoot out a big burst of fire and that will
surely scare them." Why that sounded logical to me remains a mystery in
my brain to this day but at the time it sounded reasonable.

I began the stealth fumbling to undo my pants and work my fart as close
to my anus as possible so it was ready to go. After I was all prepared,
I gave a look to Doug to tell him here it goes. In one lightening fast
move I stood up, pulled down my pants and positioned my ass over the
fire but when I went to fart I shot the biggest stream of diarrhea I
have ever created in my life, all over the place. It extinguished the
candle creating an exceptionally smelly vapor. It shot all over the laps
of the girls who immediately jumped up and ran down the ally screaming.
The screaming caused all the dogs down the ally to start barking. All
the dogs barking caused numerous back porch lights to come on. And there
I stood in the middle of it all, pants down around my ankles, ****
blowin' in the wind and **** running down my leg watching Doug run the
opposite way down the alley away from me.

It was at that moment I experienced the unbreakable pinnacle of
embarrassing moments that I doubt I will ever out do.

And Yes....the story is true.

posting another extremely wrong funny

if ya like that one, I just posted radio game show thats 10 times better

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they
award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs
call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved
with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3
random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with
phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big
Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest
thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if
you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a
couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of
commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules
of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to
the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer,
please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

There were 3 girls in high school, they were all best friends and
they're moms were all best friends as well, one mom was blonde, one mom
was brunette, and the other had black hair.

So one night, the moms are all sitting around talking, and the Brunette
says, ''I found a cigarette butt in my daughters trash can, I can't
believe she smokes.''

The mom with Black Hair looks over and says, ''Well, I found a beer
bottle in my daughters trashcan I can't believe she drinks.''

Then the blonde thinks for a moment and says, ''I found a condom in my
daughters bed, I can't believe she has a d**k.''

OMFG its been ages since I seen a funny that good