Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."
The boss says, "I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to
work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon......................... You got nice house."

just popping in

Just stopping in to say hi and howdy and how are ya?

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, ' Look, he's moving!'"

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of Turpentine, shaking it up and watching the bubbles.
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied,
"This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said,
"No, the most powerful liquid in the world
is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water
and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied,
"You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass
a Harley Davidson."

OMG



Good to see ya (((dc)))

(((((dc)))))

Damn but that was funny...

Mileage

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Damn we're good! Makes You Proud To Be An American

(((((((((((DC)))))))))))))))

(((((((((((catch))))))))))))) how are ya darlin?

just cruisin babe, how are you??

sorry I missed ya darlin'

but here's a BIG WET 1 4YA

To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of more common tools and their uses.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DARNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

For those of you who work in the medical field, I'm sure you'll really enjoy this!!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A R e - m y - t e s t - R e s U l t s - B a c k?

A
lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father,
I have a problem.

I
have two female parrots,
but
they only know how to say one thing.'

'What
do they say?' the priest inquired.
They
say,
'Hi,
we're hookers! Do
you want to have some fun?'

That's
obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then
he thought for a moment.

'You
know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your
problem.

I
have two male talking parrots,
which
I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring
your two parrots over to my house,
and
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My
parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and
your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
that phrase . . in no
time.'

Thank
you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the
solution.'

The
next day,
she
brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As
he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
she
walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After
a few minutes,
the
female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There
was stunned silence.

Shocked,
one
male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed,

'Put
the beads away, Frank.

Our
prayers have been answered!'

cough / cough.... damn it's dusty in here....

guess I'll fire up the juke box , roll up my sleeves & clean up a bit & reopen.... ah ah ah choooooo...

Howdy Howdy

Serving Lawyers
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."