I don't consider myself the "smartest". Maybe just the one with this sort of experience. I offered my three adult children the option of abiding by the house rules or finding their own paths in life. They chose the latter. My daughter got lucky and found a good husband and is doing well. My sons fell on their faces and have moved back in with me. One has grown up and understands now, the other has not. The cycle has returned.

In retrospect, I don't see any other way this could have transpired. The kids were pitting mom against dad and literally tearing apart the marriage. Mom and dad didn't see eye to eye on the raising of adult children in the home. Our 23 year marriage ended because of the chaos. The consequences of "kicking them out" to save the marriage backfired.

Franshade may be one up on me in that she hasn't gotten to a place of losing control of her home. We had six children together and the dynamics were probably quite different. Raising three adult children in a home with three additional minor children, different perspectives, one parent being the "friend", the other trying to be both, blah blah...

Experience can be a wonderfully horrible thing sometimes!

Sitting down? What the heck is that? I had so much responcibility that I thought I was the parent!! BUT I tell you what, I appreciate everything that my mother taught me. She was very strict and I have told her many times how grateful I was for her being such a good strict mom.
I do look at this generation coming up and I do think we have lots of problems! NOT ALL kids are horrible BUT lots of these kids have no respect towards anyone. I know that my boys have respect towards other people because when they were little I made them use words like..thank you, please, excuse me and how are you!! I don't hear those words from to many people any more and I do think thats sad. I have raised my boys in a christian home and I have always made them attend church...maybe thats why they are such good boys. Like I have stated before, you give them they tools on how to live their lives, but they are the ones who take those tools and decide what to do. You can only teach them so much..IF they listen, you are lucky!!!

here's to our mothers I just hope I have done at least 1/4 of the job she did raising us. Not only did she instill values and responsibility; she always showed us that we are loved!!!

AMEN to that

He just needs some motivation. I can sort of relate... i am currently 19. I couldnt find a job last spring so my parents kicked me out of the house. I had no where to go.. i lived in a homeless shelter for like 2 weeks before i found anything. I got a job and worked, lived in the homeless shelter. finally could afford some crappy room in the city. lived there and saved, but i eventually started moving all around the state. I just kept following the pattern of finding a job, finding someplace to live. I couldnt afford my cellphone bill, so i had no phone. no computer obviously. i didnt talk to my parents for months upon months. they were worried. I was living paycheck to paycheck. My time always expired. I tried to make it back home, but when i knocked on my parents front door, they turned me away and i had to sleep outside that night. And so it began again.. homeless shelter, find a job.. work and save until i could afford to rent a room somewhere.

I was able to sublease an apartment for a steady couple of months and work a steady job. With the more stable lifestyle, i could do normal things again, like make friends and date. I met a really lovely young man, and now he and i share an apartment. But then i lost my job.. my store closed and i was stuck finding just any ol' crappy job again. i am newly employed to chuck E cheese.. i start next monday.


my point is... just kicking him out causes a lot of trouble. Living on the streets, moving from couch to couch isnt positive, and it could spark negative behaviors such as drugs and drinking. (not a problem with me, ive always been a typical good kid). I know its hard, you are probably at your wits end, and rightfully so.. but i encourage you to try to motivate him positively.

A lot of landscapers perform snow removal in the winter and also can build retaining walls and other miscellaneous things even though mowing and planting aren't needed then.

What would have encouraged you to get a job before you got kicked out? What do you wish your parents would have done differently?

Its hard, because my mom was in the hospital ill for a while, and i was selected gopher, to drive in and out of the city to deliver stuff for her, and then i was in charge of all the cooking, laundry, cleaning at home in her absence for my dad. I had very little motivation to put all my efforts into finding a job- i was pretty busy. I read classifies in the paper, went on craistlist, posted my resume online... i applied to about 5 jobs a day. Once my mom was home and getting better, i was just irritated by constant rejection wherever i applied to. (similar to now, even. I thought i would never get a job... i applied to burger king, and i was told that i was over qualified... something about they have to have a certain percentage of minorities, and i just dont fit). Its frustrating.

My dad is very wise... he tells me that finding a job IS a full-time job. You should wake up at 8am, and go out and apply to every single place you can... and keep track of it and call about a week later to remind them of you and to ask for an interview.

With me, personally.. i just hate the rejection. I take it personally and it makes me feel useless and my self esteem plummets. I am thankful i was able to find ANYTHING, because i have cabin fever... i just WANT to get out and do ANYTHING! even if its flipping burgers or wearing a mouse/rat (your interpretation) costume and hug little kids.

Yes, it is hard dealing with rejection. I can remember those days, I hated interviews with a passion. My son is dealing with the same thing. It seems the only jobs he ever gets are ones handed to him by friends. He works a little, then quits or gets fired.

Now, you seem to have done a fair amount of things around the house to help out. I applaud you for that. What do you say to someone your age who refuses to help around the house, even to pick up after himself? I mean, I can deal with tough economics and wait for him to land a job, but in the meantime, shouldn't he contribute something to the home? What do people your age feel about that?

I don't quite know... helping around the house was never much of an option. My sister and I always had chores. My parents taught us that just because they are the parents and we are the kids doesn't mean they do all the work and we sit and play. We were a family unit, and we all participated and worked together. In my opinion, especially when you have a child thats over the age of 18... its true that you aren't legally obligated to offer them home and shelter. If one doesn't choose to work outside the home, then one should be willing to pull their weight around the house to makeup for it. Whether or not a child has a job, they should ALWAYS pick up after themselves. I am not familiar with what a family life is like where a mom cleans the kids rooms for them. Its a child's responsibility to take care of their own things. When I was younger, I had a habit of leaving my toys ALL around the house. As I grew up, toys became bobby pins, hair clips and earrings... lol. I just would leave things around in random places, and I lost them all the time. My mom taught me to put things where they belong, and then ill always know where they'll be.

If a kid refuses to put forth a little effort in helping out around the house, I say the parents should cease to put forth an effort to wipe the kid's butt. They dont want to set the table, mow the long or shovel the driveway? Then the parent can boycott laundry and let the kid smell like a dirty gym sock for a week. Us snotty brats tend to learn best when we are embarrassed or a bit uncomfortable. I watched on The View last week, a mother made her son stand by the road holding a sign that said "I was rude to my teacher" and the boy was mortified, cars honked and everything. I bet he wont forget that for the rest of his life.

With your attitude, I have a hard time understanding why you got kicked out. No need to explain, I'm just saying, you sound like a dream compared to what I'm dealing with.

maybe more schooling is needed

No doubt a good idea. No one to pay for it though.

I don't think more education is the answer. If there is an issue with motivation for work... its probably a reflection of a bigger picture. It would be awful to pay an arm and a leg, only to have it be wasted because he wasn't motivated to go to class or do school work.

loans grants

Loans - He has to have a job to qualify
Grants - I make too much (and have nothing left BTW)

He quit school after the 9th grade. Mom said it was okay. College might not work for this one just yet.

baby steps. alternative school? (is 20 the age limit?) GED?

He got his GED over the summer and was making some progress. He's upset because I let my other son move in and gave him the basement while he's stuck with a room he doesn't like. The difference is my older son is paying his way and taking care of his own affairs and cleaning up after himself. I gave my 21 year old a simple list of expectations that he is refusing to follow until I give him a better room. He's trying to strong arm me. His attitude is, give me the room I want and I'll return the favor.

sounds like tough love is it working

If you meant "isn't", you're correct. He's just biding his time till his mom gets her own house. She told him he could move in with her.