So you have these things you really don't want in a new date and potential relationship, basically a boundary.
For me 1 is
- Not recently out of a relationship
- No young kids under 20 and preferably not at home anymore

And then you come across someone that seems nice, convo is good, both like each other, as far as you can tell from some exchange of course.
And then it turns out he has two kids age 12 and 16. Live with their mum but also every other weekend with him and he sees them often in between too as they live nearby.
So I tell him politely that's not what I want. And it isn't. I don't want that kiddie-teenage chit in my life no more, nor a man who could potentially have to cancel because of something with one of the kids.
And not being together because he has the kids that weekend, etc. etc.

But yeah, I actually liked the guy, and that doesn't happen very often. So fx(k...

Do you then hold on to your boundary or not?

I've overlooked the 1st point I mentioned with a man, him being recently out of a relationship, and it didn't end well. I think I became his rebound and he fell in love with another after 1,5 years.
Leaving me incredibly hurt as I thought I'd finally found the one. Took me at least 2 yrs to recover from that, and to be honest, actually longer... The longest recovery time I've ever needed so far. More like 4-5 years.
I just couldn't get my heart to open again. I lost hope completely, which had never happened to me before.

So what to do...
What are your experiences with not sticking to your initial boundaries? Are there also success stories when doing that I wonder.

And please don't come up with the usual alcohol and drugs crap. Those are extremes. I'm asking for more normal boundaries and things you can come across.

Well I dated a younger guy who had a 13 yr old son who lived with him and I didn’t have boundaries then but do now.

It’s as you said, cancelling dates, working round school times, not seeing each other often at weekends etc. that finally wore me down so I ended the relationship after dating for almost 2 yrs. I thought things would get better as his son got older but it was the opposite in fact.

So in the future I’d be looking for someone who is at the same life stage as myself.

My boundaries are fixed and patrolled by armed guards. However, if she has a pulse and is breathing, I may let her through the gate for a short visit.

The thing with children is difficult and I think internet dating makes it more so. When meeting somebody in real life it's usual to interact with the children much earlier and that helps decide whether this package deal is something you want to be involved with, usually because you start to be involved with the child(ren).

A parent IS a package deal for anything beyond an occasional evening out. How much that combination of people attracts or repels will be different in every case but getting to know the children is not so easy when when meeting the parent online and building a relationship remote from their domestic life. Mostly, people just shy away, sadly but understandably.

Sometimes a parent makes it hard. So desperate for some time not connected with the children, they try to separate themselves as a dating partner from themselves as a parent. This keeps the dating partner at a distance from the real life of the person who is a parent and means that a close relationship is almost impossible.

Barriers are valuable when we know there is something we cannot tolerate. Preferences are understandable to increase our chances of meeting somebody we are going to be compatible with. But preference should not be too strongly applied to an individual (for example, you might not seek someone bald; but you might still be able to love them). Understanding the difference between what is a preference and what is a barrier is important because then you can question yourself over what exactly the barrier is about.

The more 'standards' or 'boundaries' one manages
to accumulate sorely limit the playing field
for one.

I have no boundaries for someone else, that is
their life not mine. And to miss that one true
love because you no longer appreciate the
younger generation (or any reason) seems self-
fulfilling.

Love is such a rarity, I would not like to send
it on its way before knowing it.

For any reason.

I'm a parent and I'm not a package deal. Because my kids are adults and have flown the nest some 10 yrs ago. My kids have no influence on my potential choice of partner although it would be nice if they liked him of course.
But we're adults and just like they don't ask me to approve of their choice in partner -and wouldn't break up with 'em if I didn't like them (thank goodness for that!)- they will not interfere with mine either.
They just want me to be happy. So unless he'd turn out to be a huge a-hole they will simply deal with it. My life. My choice.

I do understand it'd be different with younger kids still at home, but I've long past that phase in life. Which is why I don't want to get drawn back into that by a man's younger children.

In a way, but I don't totally agree. Without any boundaries or standards whatsoever you're very likely to get hurt and end up in a situation that makes you unhappy or get another breakup after you've invested in it.
I think it's healthy to know yourself and to know what you can and cannot live with, what would and wouldn't fulfil you in the long run.
Knowing of Self. VERY important in life.
Maybe you do that in a more automatic way, I don't. Because of all the trials and tribulations of my past (childhood) I have never learnt that really. So I must do it more consciously. Self protection, without going overboard of course.

OMG... A BIG THANK YOU for telling me that and reminding WHY I have that 'rule', or boundary: I too have been in that situation for 10 yrs. Living together, his youngest an extremely difficult teenager who ruined everything in the house.
His eldest a biotch from hell -me saying that means something as I don't even believe in hell, hihi- the worst kind of biotch you can image.
Everyone was scared of her, including her father. I think even the house itself sighed its relief whenever she FO. Eventually she moved out.

Based on what I went through with them I decided to never ever, not ever, put myself in that situation again.

I remember the partner of a spiritual workshop leader telling me during the break they didn't live together as she had younger kids and he didn't want a family situation anymore.
That moved me, resonated with me.

How could I forget? I've done the right thing. Big sigh of relief, no more doubting myself :)
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!


Damn, such a good thing to have asked here. Sometimes you don't see clearly or apparently forget, so helpful to be able to post it here.

Thanks everyone for your replies.
Really helpful even if your answer and view is different from mine. It still helps!
So big thank you for your help!

Haven't had any experience with having to make any changes/ or be flexible with my boundaries yet. However, those two would be flexible for me if it's someone I really clicked with.

I think you can decide to change your boundaries if you know for sure that if that thing gets in the way, it's something you'd both be willing to work out a solution for. If it's something you don't want to deal with at all, it really makes no sense to start the relationship.

I'm also curious to know if there are success stories with people who have changed their boundaries.

if you start a connection with someone who does not meet your boundary preferences then perhaps those boundaries are not so important .. ask yourself why you are bothering to connect with him . Is that fair to him ?

Quite simple: when you start talking to someone you don't know they don't meet your boundary preferences yet.

I don't know either...
I do know plenty of stories of new relationship going awry because of his or her children. I know it works out for some, but I've heard more stories of it not working out.

As for other boundaries... don't know.
Maybe some others will answer that :)

mingle has a field to indicate if someone has children .. surprised if that is not standard for most dating sites ???

I think it is but the dating site I'm active on has a totally different set-up. No profile, no photos visible until after you've exchanged a certain nr of messages. The idea being that you don't judge someone on their looks.
So you don't have a profile there, you do fill out the whole lot when making an account, based on which they offer you matches.
As for the rest there are other ways of getting in contact with someone, like making quizzes etc.
But no profiles.

I must say I've been on that site for 6 yrs I think, and it's the best dating site I've ever come across so far. Dated men from that site too.
Of course haven't been active all those 6 years, was in relationship for a while, and healing from that when it ended.
But it's a great way of doing things, as opposed to going through a ton of photos and profiles.

You can however watch photos immediately if you wish, but it'll cost you points that you have to buy.

And in answer, no, on that site you cannot see a profile and not if they have younger kids.

in that case .. if your boundaries are important deal breakers then it may be best to establish that asap and discontinue the connection if not what you seek . Just like chatting to someone without a photo ., if when they reveal the photo there is no physical attraction .. from a dating perspective would you continue the connection . Some preferences can be overlooked but generally children … married/separated .. are deal breakers for many . Only you can decide what you are willing to compromise on .

Indeed only I can decide for me, but it helps to ask/consult others sometimes when you're in doubt. It did help me, and even though I regretted it as well as he did, I have decided to stick to my boundary.
Since it's been 10 yrs that I was in a similar situation the memory of what it's like with stepchildren had faded.

I do like to get to know such things early on, but if you ask right away it can also steer the conversation into a boring direction. I prefer to have a bit of a good conversation first. It always comes up soon enough.
I do btw ask about it in one of my quizzes. I often add men that replied to one of 'em, and that particular one gives me clarity right away :)

As of yet not sure how I feel about a man with no children since I've never been with such a man. I don't know how that would be.
Anywho, one hurdle at the time, haha.