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Topic: Burning bridges
steve B Joined Wed 01/02/19 Posts: 1126	Tue 05/14/19 12:14 PM
Had an email from x wife earlier today, emailed back, but I am ashamed to say some bitterness crept in on my part. and I ended on saying that we shouldn't communicate unless necessary and I was sorry it had to be this way. probably a familiar theme. I don't know if it was a wise decision or not. Communicating with her still has emotional impact with me but I won't do bitterness. A fair bit of time needs to pass .. what do you think ? It seemed the only way to avoid more bitterness.

Larsi666 😽 Joined Wed 01/31/18 Posts: 17119	Tue 05/14/19 12:20 PM
An ex partner is not called ex for no reason. Personally speaking, I would use some TNT and send the bridge into outer space. JMO

Freebird Deluxe Joined Sun 12/23/18 Posts: 4637	Tue 05/14/19 12:26 PM
I think you handled it the right way

Riverspirit1111 Joined Wed 06/27/18 Posts: 100738	Tue 05/14/19 12:28 PM
Had an email from x wife earlier today, emailed back, but I am ashamed to say some bitterness crept in on my part. and I ended on saying that we shouldn't communicate unless necessary and I was sorry it had to be this way. probably a familiar theme. I don't know if it was a wise decision or not. Communicating with her still has emotional impact with me but I won't do bitterness. A fair bit of time needs to pass .. what do you think ? It seemed the only way to avoid more bitterness. I feel you handled it well. If you're not ready to communicate with her without bitterness or at least set that aside while speaking, then it's best to keep at a distance unless absolutely necessary. I myself do not like burning bridges and will stay away from a person rather than get into a heated argument that does more damage. You may find in the future that ties might need to be severed completely, but doing so in a peaceful way is much better and more healing than doing so in an angry way... for the both of you!

steve B Joined Wed 01/02/19 Posts: 1126	Tue 05/14/19 12:39 PM
Thanks for the comments guys. You're right of course River. It was still a sad thing to have to do, after 25 years..

Datwasntme Joined Fri 07/25/14 Posts: 9701	Tue 05/14/19 12:48 PM
i still talk to the majority of me x's there are a few that have hurt me to the point i wont talk to them any more there are a few that still think there is somthen goen happen , yeah i dont talk to those as well <shrug> i helped the x wife (of 13 and a half years of fun)and her new hubby(the 2nd since me) move from his place to another place that he got for them 3 and a half hour trip each way i think it was but that is just the type of person i am <shrug> me buddy tells me "It's all mind over matter ,you have no mind , so it dont matter" more then not , i will agree with that statement : ) <shrug> but the way ya make it out steve , yeah drop it would be my advice

Riverspirit1111 Joined Wed 06/27/18 Posts: 100738	Tue 05/14/19 12:58 PM
You're right of course River. It was still a sad thing to have to do, after 25 years.. I imagine it was sad, shutting the door on someone you once loved is never easy. I've had to do that with a sibling recently, due to my own bitterness and anger towards her. She wants so much to be my sister, like we were... problem is there was a lot of damage done on her part and I'm not willing to let her back into my life so easily. Perhaps in the future we might have a healthier sibling relationship, but it will take time and also forgiveness on my part. Not quite the same as your situation, but perhaps in time you can at least be civil to one another. :)

steve B Joined Wed 01/02/19 Posts: 1126	Tue 05/14/19 12:59 PM
i still talk to the majority of me x's there are a few that have hurt me to the point i wont talk to them any more there are a few that still think there is somthen goen happen , yeah i dont talk to those as well <shrug> i helped the x wife (of 13 and a half years of fun)and her new hubby(the 2nd since me) move from his place to another place that he got for them 3 and a half hour trip each way i think it was but that is just the type of person i am <shrug> me buddy tells me "It's all mind over matter ,you have no mind , so it dont matter" more then not , i will agree with that statement : ) <shrug> but the way ya make it out steve , yeah drop it would be my advice thanks Datwasntme. I'll probably be the same in time. just not yet I think.

soufiehere Joined Sat 10/24/09 Posts: 45337	Tue 05/14/19 01:05 PM
The bitterness might last another 25 years, you never know. So you deal with it best you can. I would start by giving yourself permission to feel bitter. Curse, throw things, verbalize your anger and all the reasons for it, in the safety of your own house of course. Then, mourn the lost relationship a bit, for the emotional investment you made, and everything you did right. (Feeling REALLY bad means you REALLY invested, all good.) Then add up all your fine points, one by one and use them to move on, to a much better place. Maybe even a few things you learned from this last round, to make the next one better. Then get at it fella, there are a zillion gals out there just ready to ring your chimes ;-)

Freebird Deluxe Joined Sun 12/23/18 Posts: 4637	Tue 05/14/19 01:08 PM
Thanks for the comments guys. You're right of course River. It was still a sad thing to have to do, after 25 years.. Mine was after 50 years, I often think of the song no regrets. I dont want you back. We'd only cry again

SparklingCrystal 💖💎 Joined Mon 05/20/13 Posts: 33259	Tue 05/14/19 01:08 PM
Difficult to judge as we don't know why she emailed. We haven't the context, how you split, how long ago and so on. But if it feels the best thing to do right now to not be in touch then it likely is. No need to feel bad unless you were an a-hole about it. It's one thing to get upset and be emotionally touched, another to take that out on the other. If you weren't nasty or anything there's nothing to feel bad about.

chris2460 Joined Thu 11/17/16 Posts: 834	Tue 05/14/19 01:17 PM
I think that you did the right thing too - she's your ex and unless you have kids I don't see any reason why you should have to communicate with her if you don't want to. I haven't talked ti my ex since the day we went to court. As mush as I had wanted kids I'm so glad that we didn't because I know I'll never have to see or talk to him again!

steve B Joined Wed 01/02/19 Posts: 1126	Tue 05/14/19 01:18 PM
You're right of course River. It was still a sad thing to have to do, after 25 years.. I imagine it was sad, shutting the door on someone you once loved is never easy. I've had to do that with a sibling recently, due to my own bitterness and anger towards her. She wants so much to be my sister, like we were... problem is there was a lot of damage done on her part and I'm not willing to let her back into my life so easily. Perhaps in the future we might have a healthier sibling relationship, but it will take time and also forgiveness on my part. Not quite the same as your situation, but perhaps in time you can at least be civil to one another. :) sorry to hear of your problem with your sibling River.:)That sounds painful. Me and the wife have been civil for the last 6 months. And I'm sure we will be in future but it'll take more time and I don't want any nastiness creeping in.`

Riverspirit1111 Joined Wed 06/27/18 Posts: 100738	Tue 05/14/19 01:23 PM
You're right of course River. It was still a sad thing to have to do, after 25 years.. I imagine it was sad, shutting the door on someone you once loved is never easy. I've had to do that with a sibling recently, due to my own bitterness and anger towards her. She wants so much to be my sister, like we were... problem is there was a lot of damage done on her part and I'm not willing to let her back into my life so easily. Perhaps in the future we might have a healthier sibling relationship, but it will take time and also forgiveness on my part. Not quite the same as your situation, but perhaps in time you can at least be civil to one another. :) sorry to hear of your problem with your sibling River.:)That sounds painful. Me and the wife have been civil for the last 6 months. And I'm sure we will be in future but it'll take more time and I don't want any nastiness creeping in.` Thanks! I agree with soufie, it's okay to give yourself permission to be bitter and take the time you need to work through things. Best wishes to you! :)

SparklingCrystal 💖💎 Joined Mon 05/20/13 Posts: 33259	Tue 05/14/19 01:23 PM
Thanks for the comments guys. You're right of course River. It was still a sad thing to have to do, after 25 years.. Mine was after 50 years, I often think of the song no regrets. I dont want you back. We'd only cry again What a sad way to live... I look back at relationships with a smile. So many good things I've learnt from them, they helped me grow and develop. Even the highly abusive one, especially that one. It's a shame I needed such a harsh way to learn & find out, but that's not really his doing, but my own. Of course I could've done without the abuse, but if I look at all the things I've done in an attempt to cope with it... Please don't mistake this for applauding an abusive relationships, I do NOT! But I deal with things differently. I work through things that happened by taking responsibility for my own part, I treasure the great moments, which we had as well, and embrace all I've learnt.

steve B Joined Wed 01/02/19 Posts: 1126	Tue 05/14/19 01:23 PM
Thanks for the comments guys. You're right of course River. It was still a sad thing to have to do, after 25 years.. Mine was after 50 years, I often think of the song no regrets. I dont want you back. We'd only cry again Flippin heck Freebird, did you get married at about 16?

SparklingCrystal 💖💎 Joined Mon 05/20/13 Posts: 33259	Tue 05/14/19 01:27 PM
Oh, as for burning bridges... I do do that with an ex, yes. How can vary. With one you may need to wean yourself off of the connection. With another you may need to sever the connection in one go. But I never really stay in touch with an ex. I certainly don't do friends with an ex. An ex was someone I'd wanted to grow old with. Such a person can never just be a friend anymore.

Freebird Deluxe Joined Sun 12/23/18 Posts: 4637	Tue 05/14/19 01:34 PM
Thanks for the comments guys. You're right of course River. It was still a sad thing to have to do, after 25 years.. Mine was after 50 years, I often think of the song no regrets. I dont want you back. We'd only cry again Flippin heck Freebird, did you get married at about 16? We met at 18

Liz Joined Fri 02/22/19 Posts: 124	Tue 05/14/19 01:35 PM
Good luck to you, Steve. Sounds like you are doing the sensible thing. My ex and I argued any time we saw each other while kids were growing up. When my youngest was couple months from graduating HS the ex and I had a discussion in which I said I was tired of arguing with him and we talked for couple hours clearing grievances. Three days later the ex died from a heart attack at 48 years of age.

steve B Joined Wed 01/02/19 Posts: 1126	Tue 05/14/19 01:40 PM
I look back at relationships with a smile. So many good things I've learnt from them, they helped me grow and develop. Even the highly abusive one, especially that one. It's a shame I needed such a harsh way to learn & find out, but that's not really his doing, but my own. Of course I could've done without the abuse, but if I look at all the things I've done in an attempt to cope with it... Please don't mistake this for applauding an abusive relationships, I do NOT! But I deal with things differently. I work through things that happened by taking responsibility for my own part, I treasure the great moments, which we had as well, and embrace all I've learnt. This is all very true. . She was a good mother and a good wife to me for24 years, and I told her so. We lived and learned and grew then grew apart. . Had to end really. I think stagnation had set in.