When I finally relax, being playful does come naturally.

My response to Tom has shown me I need a little self nurturing right now, and it probably would be good to find a support person to talk to. We have such a person at the Y.

Lots of stress factors and some feelings of "where do I belong" and "who'd want me"... I want to skip over dealing with those feelings and just get to the good stuff

Yes I know... it's not gonna happen. I gotta pay a little more attention to me and then I'll probably be in a better place to shine like I've done in the past by taking care of me first.

Thanks Crystal... guess I'm not fully ready either!

Oh, I can SO relate to a number of things you mention here!
I'm not homeless, but live in an area I do not feel I belong. Not happy, withering, no social circle, and no means to move away.

Joint pains, been having those for years and it only gets worse. Mostly my neck problem btw, causes me a helluva lot of grief. The reason I cannot work. It limits my social life, going out, visiting people, normal reading, and so on. I sometimes feel like a f*(king invalid.
Of late it got worse, due to doing too many card readings. So yet another thing I cannot do anymore. Soul destroying...
It was also a means of income and building up a practice, so that's out of the window too now. Dreams gone. Hopes for a better future with that.

And the fear that a man won't want me because of it... My ex didn't mind, he had a few ailments himself, so he understood. But in a way I feel he was one of a kind, and I won't find another like him anymore.
It does affect certain things in a relationship as I have to be very careful with positions of my head, which you tend to forget when kissing, cuddling and so on.

I am working on smoking a lot less as it is bothering me tremendously. Wheezing, short of breath, plus it cost an arm and a leg.
But I too fear gaining some 17 kilos, which is quite normal when you quit smoking. That's why I haven't quit just yet, first cutting back drastically.
I fear putting on so much weight as I also put on a lot of weight from stress when with my other abusive ex (not due to eating). Nothing I did helped to lose it, except for leaving him, haha. Then it just melted away, no diet or anything. It was like a buffer, a defense, a protective shield.
I was EXALTED to finally be able to wear the clothes that make me feel "me" again, young, attractive, feminine, sexy.
So I get your feeling completely!

Seems like we're almost in the same boat. Weird...

Lol, when I was with my son's father I was 190 pounds... it came off like what you described after I left, very quickly! Some people asked what kind of diet I went on and I would just tell them I got a divorce, hahaha... let go of some baggage. I actually believe that even though he wasn't a bad person. He was my security blanket though. I maintained a healthy weight for the past 17 years, until this past summer.

Very much the same feelings now as you've been having.

Back years ago when I lost 60 pounds, I wasn't smoking... so it can be done and you can quit without gaining. It's difficult though. Most of my weight gain this time was from gorging my face with fudge all summer, and not being active.

I am concerned with being older and it being more difficult to loose, but I'm determined to loose it, primarily because I will feel healthier.

I'm sorry you're going through all that, it's tough to keep a clear mind and remain positive when there seems to be so much against you. I am a little more fortunate because I do have face to face support available to me. Last summer I didn't, I was pretty much glued to the Inn and felt even more isolated and alone in the world.

Thanks so much for sharing Crystal

Since we are talking about meeting people and putting yourself out there, I had something that happened to me at the gym. This was years ago and my town is small, maybe 3 or 4 people in the gym at a time, so you chat with people from time to time. I was talking with a guy who was really good looking. He was like a young Mel Gibson. He was very friendly. We were doing our own thing.... I had plans of going to hear a band to play that night, so I had an idea of asking him to go. A little time went by and he approached me with his girlfriend to introduce us. I was disappointed, but they were so friendly and from out of town, so I told them about the concert and they should go. They did go.

Hi cat, that was nice of you to tell them about the concert. It's tough sometimes to know if someone is in a relationship already. Sounds like you handled it really well, that's cool!

I think you will be fine.
Health issues as we age is a given.
Oh, how I would love to have my 30 year old body again.
I am what I am right now and I have no choice but to accept that I am only getting older. So, rather than fight it, I embrace it.
I like who I am. I've been thru hell and back and it made me the person I am right now so I wouldn't change anything in hindsight. Those lessons were important.

Finding healthy self-esteem requires that you acknowledge everything you are and understand how you got that way and make the best out of the resulting person you are right now.
Nobody but you needs to know everything you had to go thru to get to the person you are now. Only you.

Being self-conscious about your weight or your home conditions are something that you 'give' to yourself as an excuse. But, as you gain confidence, you will find you don't need those excuses anymore because you love who and what you are. You are who and what you are BECAUSE you experienced those things and without them, you would not be that person.

As you gain clarity, you can change your conditions according to your needs and not feel guilty when those changes happen slower than you expected. This is because, during those changes, you are still that amazing person you already know you are.

Now, the question is how do you show that person you want to know, just how amazing you really are, despite the apparent shortcomings.
You do this by having the confidence to know that no matter what they might think, you will still be the one living your life.
It flips the requirements from your need to their need. You push what is strong in you and make them see it and ignore those things that give you doubt. They will see the great points and focus on them.

Then, when the connection is there and you are amazing to them, you let them in on the secret a lil at a time. Most will not have a problem unless you are hiding some terrible skeleton in that closet.

What this means is use your strengths to catch your prey. You have so many great qualities any man would be insane to ignore your advances.
It doesn't matter which demons you entertain in your head, it only matters which angels you present. As long as they are actually YOUR angels to show.

If I was a woman looking at me, I would say No Effin Way. Till I got to know me. Most people that get to know me, like me. Women I 'date' tend to proclaim their love for me right away. I don't do it on purpose, I just treat others with respect and dignity.

Having someone I meet like me is important to me. I put my best foot forward without being fake. My honesty and respect for others seems to make them agreeable. I even have that effect on the same gender. People like me because I treat them right. I have a basic honesty about my demeanor. I'm not looking for something from anyone and people notice that and it makes it easy to want to be around me.

What people don't know is that at any given time, I am figuring out all the different ways I could kill them. I see it as plain as day. Its my combat training and I hide that inner 'thing' in my interactions.
The fact that I could kill anyone without remorse is scary, even for me. That's my secret monster. I have control over it and it is not an issue because I don't ALLOW it to be an issue.
One of my biggest fears is that I automatically kill someone by accident. I hate that feeling. So I fight it by being timid and controlled.

We are who and what we are because we only allow the things to be on the surface that we decide. If we allow our self-doubt to surface, we will be self-doubting. If we allow our deadly training to surface, we will be deadly. We control who and what we are because we have control over our impulses. Take control of yourself and show others the person you want to be and reality will follow.

The trick is to figure out how to be the person you want to be.
That can only be done by being completely honest with yourself.
One thing that might help is to understand that nobody else on this planet has experienced exactly what you have and you survived.
No matter where you go or what you do it is always YOU.
Only you.

I think I am the person I want to be as far as my personality, the way I treat others and so on. But you’re right about not being who I want physically because of aging and health issues.

I don’t have a lot of opportunities to meet men in person but when I do, I believe I put myself out there. I smile, say hi and so on. To me, there just aren’t enough opportunities to meet men in person and if you do, are they single, the right age, the same interests and more. It seems like a daunting task.

Even meeting men online is a daunting task. I’m open to any method of connecting but none are easy.

I finally did meet someone on another site and well.......so far it’s been fun. Even if it doesn’t last, I now know it is actually possible and I’m having fun regardless. But he isn’t someone that I even considered approaching so another lesson learned.

I'm glad you were able to meet someone. That's cool.

I can relate to not having a lot of opportunities to meet men. With the places I'm at for seasonal work it's very difficult as well. And the online method hasn't exactly been too successful... although I'm only with Mingle at the time.

And, I haven't really been interested though until recently. I'm starting to get out with a few ladies I work with, which makes it more possible. If anything it gets me out of my isolation mode and helps me loosen up more when it comes to socializing.

You'll meet someone, River. Good luck.

If it can happen for me, it can happen for you!

That goes out to all of you. I agree, open up your eyes for possibilities.

Thanks Cat and JBH

I approached a guy once very boldly and out of character for me. He was a classmate of mine and it was apparent he did not take subtle clues.I had admitted his kindness and thoughtfulness to those in class. I really wanted to get to know him better. It was the last day of class, so I was trying to figure how to get his attention because there was a good chance I'd never see him again. So I asked him if he wanted to have sex. I couldn't believe I had the nerve to even say that. I'm sure I'll be judged for that here. It wasn't really that I wanted to have sex with him. I wanted to get to know him better. It was my desperate attempt to get his attention. It worked and we were together for close to 3 yrs.

Well when you're pressed for time and really need to get a man's attention, either beer or sex seem to work, lol.

I'm not sure I could be that bold, but under the same circumstances, who knows, maybe. Thanks for sharing lil

I can't help but laugh. Not at you. Rather, I know that if I did that as a man, all sorts of bad would happen, the least of which being a slap in the face. LOL

However, if a woman approached me like that, I'd actually feel flattered. I've only had a one one-night-stand ever, and it was initiated by the woman. That experience led me to realize that one-night-stands don't fit me, so I never did it again....even when approached by other women. Instead, I actually just try to get to know the woman now.

So if the woman is only interested in a one-night-stand, there's a 99.9% chance that I'm not going to do it.

But if the woman is actually interested in something more than just sex, as you were in that story, someone like me would actually give her a chance to show that. Otherwise, I'm just going to lose interest. I'd probably even politely remove myself from the conversation once it became apparent that all she wanted was sex. So if she wants more than that, she better make the most of the opportunity to converse instead.

River I shocked myself that I did that.

That's the ironic thing lynx, I don't do one night stands either, and I'd probably run the other way if a guy approached me that way.

Just goes to show we do have it in us, there's been times when I've shocked myself as well. And for you it worked, you had a relationship that lasted 3 years. There was something you saw in him and you saw the two of you together and you went above and beyond to be able to connect with him... That's really cool, and courageous!

I let the guy at the grocery store know I'll be here til May, lol. We were talking while he was ringing up my groceries, and he mentioned he wanted to stop by and talk with one of the managers in Housekeeping about volunteer work, I said he should. Then as I was walking away, I turned around and said, "I'll be here until May".

It just came out of my mouth without really thinking. He smiled and said okay

Who knows, maybe by doing that he'll be more apt to stop by and talk to the manager here... and look for me so he can ask me out on a date

Good for you River!

The answer is E. Don’t ask just sit down by him. Make a semi flirty comment when you are sitting down so he knows what time it is.

i like e
e would work with me