Sometimes we are forced into making life changes without knowing all the circumstances.
Changes that will forever effect your life and set your future on a distinct path.
This month is my birthday month.
(I don't really celebrate my birthday so save the well wishes for others.)

The change I am facing is my driver's license.
My career is specialized as a truck mechanic and the positions related to being a truck mechanic.
I am required to hold an active CDL (Commercial Driver License) to perform the duties of my trade. (test drive, truck retrieval and delivery, etc...)
I am disabled, I will be 57 years old, I am not employed.

My current Missouri CDL expires this month on my birthday.
I know I can't pass the DOT physical for CDL.
I also know that there are ways around that.

While I may not be healthy enough to drive a truck right now (according to law) I still hold hope that my health might improve (if I can find a Dr that cares enough).

I also have decided that I don't wish to remain a resident of Missouri.
Six years ago, I drove back to Missouri to renew my CDL (with no DOT physical needed). I could drive back up there and renew again.

I'm faced with a decision that will change my life forever.
My residence is in Mississippi.
My license expires this month.
I am not employable right now.
I am not healthy enough to pass a DOT physical right now.

If I change my license to a normal license I may never have the chance to regain CDL.
This will lock me out of my trade.
My certifications have expired.
I no longer have a working toolbox.
My CDL is my last thread of hope to return to my career.

Its more than just the CDL that is affecting me.
Its the final loss of hope to a meaningful recovery.
Right now the CDL represents a possibility that I might return to my career, If I lose it, I would need to start over at the bottom.
It changes my perspective on the rest of my life.

While you may never face my specific circumstances I may get some insight on how others handle similar life changes.
Basically, do I bite the bullet and embrace my current reality (forever changing it) or do I hang onto the hope and try to preserve the option?

I have perfect career references but at 57 years old my employ-ability is diminishing fast, even if I was in perfect health.

Another consideration is how my options play out.
Driving to Missouri is about a 10 hour drive. I have problems driving for an hour right now.
There is no guarantee that driving to Missouri will yield an automatic renewal.
I have downloaded the application for Mississippi license and one of the blocks on the form concerns the DOT physical and medical card.
We have red light cameras here. If I inadvertently run a red light the ticket will go to my home of record and I could face a warrant for arrest for failure to appear.
Being alone requires my being able to drive legally. I don't need a CDL to go to the store or make a Dr appt.

I'm kinda just looking for feedback.
I pretty much know what I will HAVE to DO.
I guess I am just hoping someone might offer some positive light I can consider in this drastic life change I am about to make.

I'm not sure how much positive light I can give you Tom. It's not easy letting go of something so significant in your life.

It was a part of you ... although, using words that you have used, it did not define who you are as a person. The person you are is a man with high integrity that will continue to maintain that integrity by being honest with yourself as you have been with others.

Why is it so easy to tell others to accept their limitations, yet we find it so difficult to accept our own? That's kind of a rhetorical question.

Are you still handy with wood work? Maybe make a frame to put your certificates in and hang them on the wall. This way you always have them to look at and remind yourself of the things you have accomplished.

As far as your birthday goes.... Happy Birthday when ever that is... wish you'd let me make you a virtual cake... actually stop by the coffee shop, I'll make one for both you and Galaxy.

Hugs to you ((((Tom))))

Sorry to hear about your predicament, but, if you can't pass the physical, you can't pass the physical, and you shouldn't be out on the road driving a rig. We have enough people already that shouldn't be behind the wheel. Since you already are a qualified truck mechanic you probably can cross over to cars or some other mechanical type work.

Tom why do you need a CDL to work on the trucks.. to fix them. Isn't that done in a garage?

Thanx for the feedback.

When I first went to trucks To qualify for the position required that I could test drive drivability problems first to confirm and identify the write up then to confirm the fix.
This often requires getting the unit up to highway speeds for duration both empty and under load. Road tests were often in excess of 10 miles at 55 then at 70 mph.

After I became manager I had to require my technicians to also have CDLs for much the same reason.
I was a working manager, meaning I didn't ask my people to do anything I was not prepared to do myself. (having technician experience)
There were also times when units, multiple units had to be picked up or delivered to outsources. This often occurred after normal driver hours so the shop was required to do the driving. Many times my techicians were busy completing the work so the trucks would be ready to run in the AM so the only ones left to go make the delivery or pick up were me and the shift leaders.
As manager I have had to lay-off technicians that had lost or had their CDLs suspended. They were unable to legally perform the functions of their employment.


I agree. I am not healthy enough to drive trucks OTR, I'm not even healthy enough to physically do that type of work.
I didn't attend CDL training courses, my training was done in-house and with escorted OJT. Getting my CDL was an ultimatim to keep my job. (I was hired as shop helper)
What gets me is that I want to believe I'll get better someday.
It gives me hope. Is that hope a delusion?
By forfieting my CDL it is like giving up hope and that is a depressing thought. My disability has stripped away so much of me.

When I learned how to wrench, it was on cars and tractors that used points and carburetors. To revert back to the auto mechanic feild would require extensive schooling, I would also need experience in automotive and its not the same as experience in trucking or off-road contruction equipment.
They're different animals.

The issue is not so much the CDL (that is the trigger).
The issue is the final resignation of a career I love.
A loss of hope for a future that has kept me trying to get better.

Some of you might say "Well, Tom, You need a good woman in your life"
Problem is, that's easier said than done. Especially with my specific restrictions and preferences.

I feel doomed to paying utility bills and dying.
What is the point of surviving when there is no chance of thriving?

Why not have a memorial service for your career? Much like a funeral service, it's a way of finding closure, putting to rest what was and saying hello to life without the one/thing we're saying good bye to.

I still hear you saying that your career... what you did in life... defines who you are as a human being. And once that is gone, there's nothing left to your life... That is so not true.

What would you say to me if I were you?

I pray everything go well with you sir. God bless you and make a way for you.

I dunno, I probably wouldn't reply because everyone is different or I would ask you to examine your life and see exactly what is left.

Thing is, I have examined my life, there isn't anything left.
The thrill of existence is gone?
There is no golden prize, no value awaiting.
I'm slipping away and no matter how much I fight it, I can't seem to stop it.
I need something to focus on besides existing another day.

When my dr put me out of work and told me I would never hold down a job again and initiated the disability, told me I will be dead in less than 3 years, I made it a point to prove him wrong.
Its been 10 years and I'm still alive but my quality of life is existing not thriving.
I battle pain and sickness every moment.
My original dr is gone and dead. I have been thru a multitude of drs since and none of them care one bit about my quality of life, I'm just a number.
I've been to shrinks, they ask me why I feel I need to talk with them because according to them, I have a pretty good handle on things.
My last shrink asked me why I was even there?
I'm not normally depressed, this life change is bringing it on. Making me focus on the dead end path I am on.

Its a dilemna because of its finality.
Things could always be worse but when things fail to get better, its depressing as hell. I have nobody to talk to about it that gives a damn.
I know my kids love me but they are not here, they don't know how I live, when they visit its a visit and I don't complain to them.

I'm left with more of the same, slowly deteriorating until I end.
I have learned to embrace reality.
Perhaps I am too realistic for my own good.

Sometimes just having someone to talk to that just listens makes a huge difference.

I agree, Thanx

You're welcome

When I get to feeling like this I reread
http://www.appleseeds.org/right%2Dnow.htm
Problem is, today it has little effect on my mood.
Have I lost that as well?


Right Now…

Somebody is very proud of you.
Somebody is thinking of you.
Somebody is caring about you.
Somebody misses you.
Somebody wants to talk to you.
Somebody wants to be with you.
Somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.
Somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
Somebody wants to hold your hand.
Somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
Somebody wants you to be happy.
Somebody wants you to find him/her.
Somebody is celebrating your successes.
Somebody wants to give you a gift.
Somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
Somebody hopes you're not too cold, or too hot.
Somebody wants to hug you.
Somebody loves you.
Somebody admires your strength.
Somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
Somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun.
Somebody thinks the world of you.
Somebody wants to protect you.
Somebody would do anything for you.
Somebody wants to be forgiven.
Somebody is grateful for your forgiveness.
Somebody wants to laugh with you.
Somebody remembers you and wishes that you were there.
Somebody is praising God for you.
Somebody needs to know that your love is unconditional.
Somebody values your advice.
Somebody wants to tell you how much they care.
Somebody wants to share their dreams with you.
Somebody wants to hold you in their arms.
Somebody wants you to hold them in your arms.
Somebody treasures your spirit.
Somebody wishes they could stop time because of you.
Somebody praises God for your friendship and love.
Somebody can't wait to see you.
Somebody loves you for who you are.
Somebody loves the way you make them feel.
Somebody wants to be with you.
Somebody wants you to know they are there for you.
Somebody is glad that you're his/her friend.
Somebody wants to be your friend.
Somebody stayed up all night thinking about you.
Somebody is alive because of you.
Somebody is wishing that you noticed him/her.
Somebody wants to get to know you better.
Somebody wants to be near you.
Somebody misses your advice/guidance.
Somebody has faith in you.
Somebody trusts you.
Somebody needs you to send them this letter.
Somebody needs your support.
Somebody needs you to have faith in them.
Somebody will cry when they read this.
Somebody needs you to let them be your friend.
Somebody hears a song that reminds them of you.

Tom it sounds to me like you already know what you need to do.
I understand not liking it.

But rather than looking at it as the end of something, you could
look at it as more of a beginning, not trapped anymore by the dream
of returning to what once was.

Let go of the illegalities.
Get your new DL where you abide.
Who knows what may come in the future?

Most people live to pay their bills.
I used to work a suicide-hotline..someone's last resort.
My schtick was, how do you know what will happen tomorrow?
It could be something glorious, but you want to give up too soon
to ever know.
It might be the Lottery.
It might be a new relationship.
It could even be a new job that you like more than the last one.

Clear your head of what is done and gone, maybe make a plan for
happiness, rather than despair.
Disability is not the end of the world, it can free you up for
new possibilities.

We are all entitled to feel sorry for ourselves.
Chit happens. Way beyond our control.
Maybe you do not know yet how strong you are.
Maybe you should share some of the burden with your kids..it does
lessen it.

I don't think so Tom... I think it's just that

Right Now…....

You need somebody

Thanx soufiehere
As usual you have a pretty good grasp on it.
I think my biggest issue is the tomorrows.
Its a pattern of depreciating circumstances that makes me lose hope.
I do need a win but, like the lottery, ya gotta play to win.
I feel incapacitated, stopped mid-stride, like I'm stuck in plastic.
I want someone to chip my hands free so I can free myself but it seems noone has a chisel.
I'm not suicidal. I have already examined that option long ago, won't work for me. Suicide would require my caring enough to end it.
The issue is not really the loss but the knowledge that its not getting better, not likely to get better in the near future. Hell, I'm not even searching for dates anymore, have no appetite, a general feeling of ho-hum/Whatever.


Yes, but I am not selfish. The somebody I need, needs to also need me, want me, despite my faults.
I'm disabled but I'm not handicapped. Meaning, I can still be active with restrictions.
The women I have dated in the past 8 years have been pretty happy with me but I am the one that has issue with their dishonesty.
I tolerated a lying manipulator for 25 years and it is why I am alone now, because I gained wisdom from the experience and refuse to tolerate it in my relationships.

The end of my careeer is not the end of my life, I know that.
It is a significant life change and a loss of hope coupled with everything else.
I have all the time in the world to examine my feelings and this particular event in my life has me questioning my beliefs about my impression of what I expect a quality life to be.
I've been in a spiral fall for a long time.
Its the near vicinity of a significant change that has me looking hard at it again. When it first occurred a decade ago I had a circle of family and friends and they helped a lot. Now I have nobody. Not just people I trust but literally nobody at all.

I also know that there are a lot of Over 50 people that are similarily alone. People that are dealing with much worse circumstances than I.
My bills are paid, I can put food on the table. I have a place to live, a vehicle and money in the bank.

I also belong to and participate in other forum communities. I 'feel' a connection to M2, so I present my concerns here as a sounding board. I find that many of you have wisdom that I value and I thank you.

Next month, after the fact, I might be right as rain.

tom i can feel it. while i didn't stay with the heavies the trade is the same. so i understand what a watershed this renewal is. but you already know it isn't likely, so let it go. make it a new beginning not and ending. if you can pull off the hole shot and decide to return to the old life, you know you can reclaim the ticket later. it just means going the long way around instead of smile for the camera and pay the nice lady. the trade gives us so many skill sets it's really just a case of picking a new focus that can still be done and by your feeling up to it schedule. heck research and cure yourself lol

I was a Seabee, our motto was "Can Do" and I have had a 'Can Do' attitude ever since.
I'm just feeling some depression because its like saying goodbye to an old friend (I've done that too many times).
For a long time now I go to bed thinking I might not wake and wake just amazed that I did wake again.
My reality is that if I were to die, it would be a month or two before power would shut off and the smell of my decay would waft out to the neighbors.
Its a disgusting thought but it is reality.

Alone is really wearing on me.
Its not that I don't know how to not be alone, the problem seems to be, I have lost the part of me that makes me want to do something about it.
I find myself tired of the fight. The fact that such an important part of me is once again coming to an end, fits the trend over the last 10 years.

I knew this day was going to come, I foresaw it months ago, even posted about it. I put it out of my mind because I didn't want to deal with how it made me feel inside. Now, the day is here and I must deal with these feelings of loss. It disturbs me because I thought I had a better handle on myself. I knew this day was inevitable. Out of sight/out of mind allowed me my own delusion and now I must face the reality. A reality that is cold and harsh with nobody to soften it for me.
Except my friends at M2 and you have.

I could throw caution to the wind. Go to one of the many bars, get drunk, tell people what they want to hear, be someone I'm not, get laid but its against my nature. I know how to do it but I can't bring myself to be a liar.
Perhaps it is my fundamental human flaw?
I need a paradigm shift in my thinking.
Being honest and true is certainly not working how I thought it should.
At one time, I was a really good liar and I have an excellent memory.
My question is, why should I have to lie to find someone?
Perhaps I am in denial? Perhaps people want to be lied to? I know I don't.
I'm really weird that way, I guess.

Hi Tom,
I’m so sorry about your situation I won’t go into my situation but I can tell you that I can relate so much to what you are going through and saying I too have made decisions recently over the last 3years that flipped my world upside down it’s very difficult to live with everyday I try not to dwell on it and make the best of it and find happiness where I can but it can be challenging at times for different reasons I won’t mention.....hang in there and know you are not alone if you ever need a friend or an ear feel free to inbox me take care

Great post. This is exactly what I wanted to say.
Brother Tom , you are very much loved.

⚘

Thank you Blake I am I try to just be honest and real we need to help others and be there for them to lift people up not tear them down