Yeah, My intent with this topic was because I know others have had life changes that have thrown their expectations in turmoil. It allows others to know they are not alone. It why I worded the title as I did.

I'm not looking for pity. I try to embrace reality and I am able to articulate my feelings quite well but my experience is not meant to minimize anyone elses.

Many times, when we read or hear other's describe their personal plights we can immediately form solutions, albeit incomplete solutions but sometimes, those solutions offered opens avenues of thought we may not have considered.


Thanx man.
I know I am loved and I know that many here value my opinion even if sometimes our opinions differ. I really don't have animosity against anyone except my X and that is only because she continues to to do and say things that warrant animosity.

I'm thinking my biggest issue with this life change is what it signifies and not so much the impact.
I am what I call a "reason thinker".
This means I value sequences, patterns and trends. I like lists, I organize everything almost incessantly. Not compulsion but more of a baseline.
For example, think about your toolbox in the garage or your junk drawer.
Most people hunt and peck to find what they're after. My toolbox is organized, everything has a place, my junk drawers are grouped. I know what's in them and where those items can be found.
This life change is like the bottom falling out of the drawer. It broke apart when it hit the floor. I can find a different drawer or try to paste it back together but it will never be quite the same again. In the future, I may pull the bottomless drawer out looking for something only to be reminded that it is different. Eventually I will get used to the change, I hope.

This is like knowing that when I pull the drawer the bottom will fall out and break. I must pull the drawer. The trepidation is causing me to focus on the inevitable. I don't want to deal with another broken drawer, the stress is palpable. I know I will pull the drawer, I will deal with it but I don't want to.

Amen .
I am all about lifting people up.
Never look down upon someone unless you are picking them up.

Your a good guy then

Hi Tom,
Having read your previous very insightful posts including the recent one on 'the brain of twins' i'm not so sure whether i need to pitch in at all.., but one thing for sure, 57 is a great time for a 'complete' career change; better than forced retirement at 60 anyway. In my experience, and i was surprised by this; the mind can fly if we let go decades of role playing - 'liberating'. I was a construction guy but now hold workshops for school teachers on how to 'naturally' teach math. Like many of us who love to hate math - I have been there.

No doubt, there were hours of darkness as i went through pedantic textbooks with no certainty that i would ever find an alternate view on say, trigonometry. If one has made a living by hoisting machinery (using cranes, derricks) then sling angles are important - i.e., trigonometry. The problem with school kids, they are smarter than we were. They are learning trig functions and to manipulate them with calculus - used to be college level courses. Then at some point, (it had its hollow moments and sometimes drink, to break the pattern, to think differently) I realized that trig was not only ratios but also a way to measure vibrations .., related it to AC current; and i began to own trig. These lesson plans don't pay my rent as yet, covers my lunch

We may have different journeys and i firmly believe 57 is definitely the age for the second, and more fulfilling one. Ha,ha; sorry didn't want to get preachy - still long ways to go.

Thanx for contributing.
I still haven't renewed my license yet, will be shooting for this week.
I still have trepidation but its not as severe. Talking about it here and on some other sites has helped.
There are many things I know I can do. My issue isn't with my resolve. My main setback is the fact that I am not healthy enough to consistently maintain time on job. I have random periods of incapacity. Sometimes a few minutes, sometimes a week or two.
As a manager, I wouldn't dream of hiring someone that may or may not show up for work everyday.
I've considered writing a book. I've even taken some creative writing classes in my youth. I write some short fiction but nothing that merits a novel. I get too lost in the details and lose focus on the story. Plus, periods of incapacity breaks my inspiration.

At any given time, I don't expect to see tomorrow. Waking, even from a nap, is usually a surprise. While I have to accept that I am alone, it is starting to wear on me. This life change is making me focus on it. I have to refocus on the reality in front of me and embrace it and stop concerning myself with the 'What Ifs'.

Dear Tom. In your 57 years you really experienced life. You have never given up. And honestly, now it’s too late for that. Give up seeing yourself as victim. Raise your head and start again with your new 100%. Only other people see you with less of this. You can watch the video “The black dog”, and use it for your freedom. Shake the devil off, get back into the line and be happy about your little life. Oh, something about writing. It just came into my mind, you should choose stuff which makes you feel good, which does “enlarge your territory”, which goes beyond your past. I find it dangerous writing about negative or the past. It can make those things to stick. You have the right to bann the past and live new.
You are doing a great job here at the forums. God bless you Tom. Love youuuu

Inspiring, thanx!


Like I said earlier, I'm not really depressed.
Anyone that follows some of my posts here knows I'm a fairly positive minded person.
But we all have those moments where self-doubt and the negaitives in life drag us down.
I really don't think I need a pep-talk as much as just a sounding board.
It clarifies my thoughts.
At 57 years I have had a full life. I've even experienced a brief death a couple times. While I am not at a place in life I imagined I would be at 57 I am still alive and I am very aware of that.
My hope is not gone, I can still see meaning and I still have much to offer the right woman.
I think my main issue is getting from this point to where I want to be.
Its unknown ground.
Its easier to trail-blaze a path if there is a direction you want to go.
Sometimes it makes more sense to stand and wait for someone to suggest a direction.
I can go any direction equally but I would rather have someone I care about saying to me, lets go there and pointing. Otherwise, I'm meandering all over the place.

My past is like a paved highway.
I've stepped off that highway forever.
I'm in an immense field just wandering around.
I want a woman to call out and say "come to me" but none do.
There are women all around me calling out but none to me specifically.
I am invisible in the tall grass of the field.

Sometimes I select a woman calling out and head off in that direction only to find she leads me to a dead end or tries to get me to jump off a cliff.

If I had given up, I wouldn't be wandering, I would lay down in the grass and die. The fact that I am still looking means I still have hope for a brighter tomorrow.

didn't you post this same sob story at last years renewal time ?

I am not sure of just going to missourri to renew your license will work to bypass the health card requirement that CDL drivers have to meet,because a CDL is not just a state issued license,whose drivers just need to meet a particular state's requirements...
the national commercial motor vehicle safety act (CMVSA) that was passed means that you have to meet FEDERAL requirements to hold a CDL,to ensure that all drivers operating vehicles of a certain weight class [class A CDL is for vehicles weighing over 26,001 lbs] meet the requirements to ensure the safe operation of them,so MISSOURRI would still require you to pass a health test,too,to meet the FEDERAL requirements of holding a CDL.
[CDLs are now regulated by the Dept.of Homeland Security since 9/11]

in SOME cases,though,you CAN still operate a class A vehicle without holding a COMMERCIAL drivers license,such as driving PERSONAL non commercial vehicles,such as a RV,emergency vehicles,such a fire trucks,and some farm vehicles,and I also think that you can get an INTRASTATE CDL to only operate a vehicle within the borders of a partcluar state,and I am not sure if you still have to meet the same requirements as you would to hold an INTERSTATE CDL.

I am not sure if you need to hold as full CDL to operate them for the purposes of working on them for mechanical servicing them[although,you DO need one to drive a heavy duty wrecker that transports/recovers them,or to transport them from point A to point B ]
so,you MIGHT be able to just have your license downgraded to a class A [non commercial] license,that doesn't require you to have a health card and still legally do your job.

but,the CMVSA was passed to ensure that people who operate such heavy vehicles that are capable of doing so much damage on public roads are physically capable of SAFELY operating them,and even if you WERE able to go to a different state and renew your CDL without passing the health test,you already know that LEGALLY,if for any reason,you know that you are incapable of passing the test,or safely operating the vehicle,you are REQUIRED to take yourself out of service,and it is a felony to operate it,so it doesn't matter if you think that you can 'bypass' the health card requirement,you would still be breaking a FEDERAL law by operating a CMV without a valid one,and the fact that you went to a different state to get it would show INTENT to break the law,and seriously upgrade the charge,and,anyway,for insurance purposes, no company is going to allow you to operate a CMV if you dont meet the requirements,because,legally,they are also responsible for anything that happens when you are operating a vehicle while in their service.

I would check into the requirements for holding a INTRAstate CDL in your state,or if you could still do your job with just a regular class A license,but,if you CANT,then you are just going to have to accept the fact that it is for the public's safety,and you cant operate one,and move on with your life.

it is sad,but it happens,and you will just have to accept it,because,it isnt just about YOU....
you would be selfishly putting everybody else on the road at risk by illegally operating a CMV without a health card,and you know this!
but,hopefully,one of the other ways i mentioned can work for you.

I actually experienced something very similar several years ago. I was a dance instructor for most of my life until an injury ruined my perfect little life. Or that’s what it felt like at the time. I would never have imagined I could enjoy doing anything else. But I tried on a few hats until I found a good fit. It may be time to start hat shopping Tom.

Hahaha, whatever you say man.
Last renewal was 6 years ago.
Good try tho...

the LONGEST that you can go in between visits to the doctor to take your D.O.T. physical/get your health card renewed is only 2 years,so if you have gone THAT long without getting your D.O.T. health card renewed,you have already had your CDL downgraded by the government to a regular license,and this is a moot conversation,because you will have to take all of the tests,and go through the whole process of getting certified to get a license again before you can get a CDL.

Yes, it is a federal license but 6 years ago (when I renewed last) I was disabled, didn't have a valid med card and they never asked for it - perhaps it was a glitch but they renewed it. She asked if there were any changes and I said "No". (yes, I lied a lot back then)


I think the CDL was a requirement of the companies I worked for, to comply with their CMS (Compliance Management System) policy. A precautionary measure they put in place to avoid possible violations.


For the last 6 years I have possessed a valid CDL but have not driven any trucks. I'm not healthy enough to safely drive them right now. I also will not drive if I have been drinking. I also don't use a phone while driving.
I am a safe driver. My last company also had mandatory CMS for driving safety and all were required to attend the driving safety classes.

I wasn't sure I was going to stay in Mississippi. For the first 4 years on my present license I was living part time in MS and part time in MO. Little by little I stopped spending time in Missouri.
I have made a home here in MS and now that I am forced to renew my license, I've decided to make MS my permanent residence. I gave my trailer to one of my kids to sell. I no longer have a residence in Missouri.

I gave many classes as a manager and I liked the work. My boss used to sit in and attend me classes because he liked my style and my men seemed to absorb the material better when I gave the classes.

I've taken a multitude of career tests to determine which career fits my personality type and they always come up with two potentials; Engineering and Medical Doctor. I have a passion for material physics, designing and building mechanical things. I also have a knack for balance and using physics to effectively produce work. "Apply pressure here and pull there to get it to line up" kinda thing. I also have a knack for organized streamlining in the shop. As a manager, I streamlined the paper trail for efficiency.

As a manager I was required to give CMS training. Most of the training was based on OSHA requirements. I read the federal register on the requirements of MSDS and researched, gathered, created a book and trained my people on MSDS according to the Federal Register. When I started, we had a few MSDS for a few chemicals, when I completed my task, we had 330 MSDS and I wrote an instruction section for future training reference.
When OSHA made a company wide inspection, my shop received and outstanding and the company adopted many of my methods including making a copy of my MSDS books. The company wanted to make a big deal out of it and give me an award but I told them I was just doing my job.
I considered a job as an OSHA inspector but found that it is nearly impossible to get that job.

My main problem isn't a different hat, it's being able to wear the hat consistently.

I worked a meanial job when I first went disabled.
I worked as an assitant manager for an auto parts chain.
I held the job for two years but I hated it.
I also missed a lot of work being incapacitated and that put the schedule in turmoil and wasn't fair to my co-workers who had to fill in for my absence.
They couldn't fire me because I had dr notes covering my absences.
I finally just quit because it wasn't right to put them thru the turmoil and because I felt no passion for the job. Oh, and the money sucked. (this was before I learned to live below my means)

*bump*

Its done.
1pm till 4:35pm in the DMV
8 Year license cost $47
No warrants and no outstanding tickets.
They did want a valid medical card to renew the CDL (glad I didn't try), they were calling the doctors to verify on all the med cards (some new thing?).
Next renewal will be if I live to 65.

How are you feeling now that it's all done?

Fatigued but I feel the same about it as I did this morning.
This era of my life is done.
I have no idea what comes next but I know it won't be as a wrench.
Physically, the way I feel after being out all afternoon is a bold reminder of why I am currently unemployable. I'd take a nap but the pain is too intense even after the handful of ibuprofen I took when I got home. Still don't want to eat.

I've been a mother all of my adult life (since I was 18). My baby will be grown in less than 4 years. Life will definitely change for me. I don't remember what it's like to focus on myself. I might have to steal a grandbaby.