quote from peggy
We wont be buddies anymore but Im not sure if I could cut them off altogether either.



so what not friends anymore but visit them in jail and help support their defense ?

Like you, I would want to hear them out and try to have some sort of understanding. It would damage any likelihood of friendship, but whether it severed the relationship completely would depend on their level of remorse and commitment to make retribution for their actions.

Well forgiving definitely doesnt mean absoving someone of the consequences of their wrong, whether it is a friend or a parent.

But we definitely feel deeper investment in a family member and would be more likely to struggle with them receiving punishment as it feels like you are being punished too as an extension of them

Humm as simple as this would seem to most just to cut ties at times it would make you wonder what you would do if this person was a child,spouse or someone that you was very close too...

As a parent if it was one of my kids or grand kids there is no way I could just cut the ties with them...... Instead I would try to understand what happened and then it would depend on if they show any remorse for any damage they may have caused...

I have had to make a similar choice with some friends.. Actually they were friends of friends that I met while going to watch a local band... Had been to their house for New Years a couple of times even before I found out... The couple ended up going through a divorce due to she cheated on him.. But in that time she had asked me to meet her to watch another local band and in the proceeded tells me he is on a list for Pedophiles ( had to do with his daughter from his first wife at the age of 5)Not sure what really happened for I found it funny that him and his daughter seem to have a good relationship....My first thought was WTF OMG that to me is up their with murder!


So I proceeded to look it up to see if it is true... Did my search and low and behold there he was on the list..... I still see him and his new wife he is with now at the club from time to time and will be civil and say hi... but that is as far as it goes... I have no use for anyone that is a Pedophile.... Those I will put the distance between us...

Honestly pretty much anyone that goes to prison for those things I would pretty much put distance between us even family....

Not my place to judge another but it is my place to keep myself,family & friends safe from those that could do us harm~~~

For me personally, even with a family member , I would still support the law in dispensing justice in the situation, but I admit that it would kill me to do it , especially if my relative refused to have contact with me because of that decision.

But I couldn't live with myself knowing that the victims were subjected to a lifetime of suffering because of my relative, but my relative got off without consequences. Its a horrible decision to have to make actually . I would be choosing the lesser of two evils in my mind.

That said, even with supporting the retribution of the law, I wouldnt cut ties with my child or parent, even if our relationship could only be transacted with jail bars between us, which makes me think that if I can do that for a family member, could I do the same for a friend?

So would you sever all ties with that family member Eric?

Interesting query Peg.
I think of all those parents with serial killer kids,
they (mostly) defend them until the end, often in
complete denial about what their child has done.

I call it love.
Same as friendship.
Now, what to do, when the truth comes out.
For me, I do believe the friendship would trump the
bad deed(s).

We are all flawed.
Some get caught.
Some never do.
I do not want the actions of others to affect
how I live my life..or how I affect other's.

Love to the end.

Yes, it’s a tough one with family involved. I’m not sure if any of us could give a definite answer to this one without being in that situation. That’s why I mentioned the goalposts.

But you certainly know how to open up a can of worms.
Now across my knee for your punishment.

For me , visiting them in jail is not supporting their defense. I already made it clear that I would support the full retribution of the law, but I would honor the friendship we had by trying to understand why they did what they did

That makes sense Pisces. If they attempt to justify their actions, I would think they were either psychotic or irrevocably evil , Hard to get a friendship past that wall

Yes, I agree, more likely I would too. Forgiveness and compassion doesn't mean I condone their actions, or defend them.

If my father abused me, I would find forgiveness and still love him.... but that doesn't mean I accept his behaviors as being okay. He once said he should have gone to jail for his actions... yes he should have! But his remorse over the years was his punishment and I still loved him, even now that he's in his grave!

So in the end, I would be the same way for a friend.

He wasn't a friend in the first place. He lied to you about his true self. Like these scam artist here trying to claim they want a relationship but really want your money. Wtf

I couldnt abandon family in that situation either kristi, and like you, I would still be wise and not put myself or my loved ones in a position to be harmed by them, while transacting that relationship

as long as we are only considering heinous crimes, as stated in your op, then yes in a new york minute.

i really don't need to understand why evil chooses to be evil and i damn sure won't forgive it.

You have a big heart soufie

Would you defend their actions then or lobby for the leniency of the law regarding their crime?

What a naughty boy!

Its admirable that you were able to forgive your father under those horrible circumstances Pisces. It really says alot about you

Hmmm... I agree with you that both people are guilty of evil sheri, but I dont know if I can accuse one of the persons of being fake in their friendship though

Thanks peggy

This subject definitely makes one think though. Had he raped me or killed my mother, I can't honestly say I would have found forgiveness or compassion. I would hope so, but I guess one never truly knows how they would react in any situation, until they are experiencing it.

I have forgiven those who have victimized me, but of those few, only the ones that are family have I continued to associate with.

Thank you for posting this.... truly a thought provoking topic

Here are some thoughts inspired by this OP.

Past/Present/Future

People live their lives in the present. The 'Now'.
Considering that one can only know what one experiences during the continuation of the now. Nobody can know everything about anyone but themselves.

The only actual understanding of another is formed by their participation with you in your now. Their history of participation with you, in the now, creates a pattern of familiarity in your past with them.

If that person has always been conducive to your personality, when you find out they are not that way with others, its a shock to your understanding of who they are with you. It causes you to think they have been dishonest with you and the first reflex is usually anger or sadness. That they were the 'problem'.

In reality, it is your own idea of who that person was, based on limited understanding of who they actually are. It is impossible to know anyone as well as you know yourself. It is a failure of your own idolization of that person that hurts the most.