I tried posting this in the Sex & Dating column and it hardly even got looked at. I thought that would be the correct place for this, but perhaps not...

I am a 26-year-old man and I have never had sex. It is my intention to remain sexually pure until I am married. This is a choice that I've made for personal, spiritual reasons, so I view this fact with a sense of accomplishment and pride and not with any sense of failure or shame.

Nonetheless, I have recently become concerned about the ramifications that this decision might have for me. Despite my status as a virgin, I eagerly look forward to having sex. I would like to marry a woman who wants to enjoy sex as much as I do.

As I approach 30, I am worried about whether or not this is a feasible goal. I know some people who were excited about sex and who also waited until they were married, but they all got married in their early 20's. I am concerned that the closer I get to 30, the more I will find that the women who are excited about sex don't care about my decision to remain sexually pure (or who are even intimidated by it.) Conversely, I am afraid that the women who respect my decision to wait until marriage will be indifferent about sex all around.

Is this a realistic fear? I don't really know what I intend to do about it, but I'd like to know what I'm facing. It hurts to think that I might have waited 26 years only to give in. On the other hand, if the alternative is a sexually unsatisfying marriage or never marrying, I don't know which is worse.

Can't have your cake and eat it too.
Marriage is a legal contract... nothing more. Follow your heart... go with your gut... the ethics and morals usually fall into place from there.

Stick to your beliefs. You do what feels right for YOU and if someone cant accept it, that is their problem. Someday you'll find the right woman and it will be special to her. Just remember though that maybe she isnt as pure as you so you'll have to accept that also. But you need to do what is right for you and what you believe in. If you dont... then THAT is the only thing you'll regret.

I think you've made a very mature decision. When the right one comes along,she will respect your decision and morals. Good luck-she will come along eventually.

I know I'm still young, but I want to wait till marriage and at the moment I feel if this means I will never get married/ have sex, then so be it.


My opinions might change though...

Hi There,

It is admirable that you've been able to wait, but perhaps at your age it's time to have a real and full relationship. It's a little strange (abnormal?)and I think most women at your age will have more experience than you AND you need experience to be a satisfying lover. JMO. Best wishes, Kissy

I had that mindset. I changed. Well.... of course I married the guy after losing it... but then we got divorced...

I haven't been with many people. I stick to my guts, follow my heart. Not gonna do the f--- buddies or the one-night-stands or get laid to get laid...

but circumstances being what they are, if the moment is right, it's right... whether I'm legally married or not.

Its very nice to know that there are other guys other than myself out there who are waiting for the right time to have sex.

Rent "40 year old virgin" and then get back to me!!

Like I said in your other thread, women have needs, and they gotta have a man who will meet them. Sex is not the devil.

It sounds like what you're saying is this:
- I know women have sexual needs
- I refuse to meet those needs
- Is that ok?

The answer, sadly, is no. Thats why they are called needs.

Gypsy! Too funny!
Remember the mountains of endless boobs??!?!?!
That movie was awesome!

I don't think that this is a fair interpretation of what I said, but I think that nonetheless, you've provided an answer to my question. I believe it's fair to say that you think that "No, it is NOT a realistic goal to expect to find a woman with a strong libido who also respects a pledge of premarital chastity."

I have no intention of leaving my wife's sexual needs unsatisfied, WHEN SHE'S MY WIFE. In fact, the other half of my question, you may notice, is whether I can realistically expect to find a woman who respects my pledge of chastity but who will also be empathic toward my sexual needs and willing to fulfill them.

Anything is possible... you just gotta be willing to find the needle in the haystack. In your situation, a girl like that will probably NOT be falling in to your lap... it is something you are going to really have to put effort into finding.

Good Luck. I think you will need it.

I think this is just a hang over from archaic times when people got married at 16 and had 20 children to work the farms cause polio would eventually take 3/4s of them.

Why wait? I mean in the end it's your choice, but I can tell ya...you're missing out on a great thing. I'm not saying it's good to just be about sex, but if you really care for someone and you're in a monogamous relationship why not? I mean really what's the point of waiting? How do you know that you'll be sexually compatible with the other person unless you try. People have all these romantic notions like oh it's my gift...what? Your virginity isn't a gift, she doesn't gain anything from getting that, how bout you just not cheat, I think most women are fine with that.

You might even start pressuring yourself to get married if you tell yourself you won't have sex until your married and I think that's worse. I put marriage above sex in terms of what's more special.

I think that you missed the part where I mentioned that I had made this choice for "personal, spiritual reasons." Yes, I appreciate that the sociological analysis suggests that the Judeo-Christian tradition evolved from a pragmatic necessity among an agrarian culture. Nonetheless, I hold to that Judeo-Christian tradition as a matter of faith.

I received some encouraging and insightful advice on another site where I posted this concern and I'd like to share it here.

I'm afraid that following one's heart and letting the ethics and morals "fall into place" from there sounds like a recipe for bad decision making. Ethics and morals are supposed to guide one's judgment from the outset. What you're describing sounds suspiciously like after-the-fact rationalization of the choices that one has made.

the real committment comes from the heart first before the legal paperwork

it might help if you go talk to a a professional about this and look to see if there are some spiritual counsulars it may really help your delima in this descision

I think that there's just a little bit of a misconception regarding my notion of marriage. Disregard for the moment the license that I will have to acquire from the state (ie: the contract, the legal paperwork, etc.) There is also a ceremony in which I and my wife will profess our commitment before witnesses and before God. In some regards, that ceremony is a formality, but to me and to many other people, it holds a lot of weight. Public profession makes a much more powerful statement than just "making it legal."

well then you may have just answered your own question

but no matter what the real committment comes from the heart first without it all the ceremoney and public statement means nothing

just some food for thought

I understand what you're trying to get at. Bear in mind that what I just explained is the rationale that led me to choose premarital abstinence in the first place.

My dilemma is whether I can keep that pledge and still [reasonably] expect to ever have a sexually satisfying marriage. If I find a woman who is willing to wait to have sex until we've agreed to spend the rest of our lives together, that's 9/10 of the way to actually getting married. At that point, waiting a few more months for the ceremony may not be a big deal to her or compromising a little and having sex while engaged might not be a big deal to me.