Bouncing off a posting in another thread...
When approx do you start thinking about the future with the one you're seeing? To start to look down that road?

Reason for asking... men often know within 5 mins she's the one he wants to grow old with, yet I've also noticed many men do not want to think about the future too soon? That seems to contradict? So how does that work for you guys? Can you even look down the road, if so, why don't you?

And girls, do you think of the future almost right away or can you date someone for yonks without doing that?


I know I can't. When I invest in someone, I need to know it's potentially going somewhere. I need to feel it's not "just dating".
I don't do 'just dating', I can't. When I'm not interested in a future with a guy I'm not interested in dating him either. It's the way I'm wired, if I don't feel he is a potential match, I simply lose interest on the spot.
Plus, I get attached easily so there has to be mutual interest for more than that, otherwise I'll end up getting hurt.

Which boils down to: When I date a guy for the 2nd time or more, I am interested in a future with him. Otherwise he wouldn't have made it to round 2
Suffice it to say that in all the 4 yrs being single no one made it to round 2 but him

Man logic, the state in which we're in denial to ourselves thru the date.
Then when we realize that the date is coming to a close. Our instincts kick in to either ask her out for another date. Or give her the "I'll call you line", which majority of people know means, "he just wasn't that into you."

For me, future thoughts tend to possibly enter my mind after the 2nd or 3rd date. I have more insight to her personality to know whether or not there could be a future. Not just a possible infatuation, or lust, but real feelings for the woman in question.

Thank you, I like that :) I always like your insight and common sense, and honesty.

Wow! Thank you. The time I've been on Mingle has given me a lot of insight to myself. Advice to follow that You have posted CrystalFairy, along with others, that has helped me.

" men often know within 5 mins she's the one he wants to grow old with, yet I've also noticed many men do not want to think about the future too soon? That seems to contradict?"

It seems to me, that this common seeming contradiction is a result of how many people express themselves, with a little non-thinking mixed in. What the "instant forever" people are usually REALLY saying, isn't that they want to spend the rest of their REAL lives with you, they are saying that they want what is going on right this second, to last a really long time. I've had to deal with a number of women over the years who did the same thing using different words: their way of putting it, was that they were unsatisfied with being with me in every day life, and that they wanted a return to how they felt when we were just dating.

Oww, thank you! And yes, there's lots one can learn on Mingle :)
Oh, and you're more than welcome, Scoob!

So that still boils down to men more being and staying in the moment. Not looking ahead, but focusing on the now and what is.

Reason I asked is sheer curiosity, but also because I was discussing this with a friend, and we both think that it's a feminine thing to plan ahead, based on very old ways. Men have always been more focused in the 'now', had to when they had to hunt or protect. You cannot be thinking about next week when you're fighting to survive or hunting a boar right that minute.
Women on the other hand did have to plan ahead, for instance when the tribe had to move to another place. They had to prep hides for clothes, footwear, blankets, prep food to take along so everyone had enough to eat and would survive the move etc. etc.

I think women cannot help but look ahead, and maybe even feel lost and insecure when we have not properly prepped ourselves for at least the near future. Because back then doing so meant survival or dying, so I think it's a quite strong instinct.

It is a weird one, because it's also the feminine thing to be in the "now", but differently from men. Men are focused, the feminine in the "now" is to go with the flow, so unfocused.

What do you think of that?

Ohh... I haven't done that dating thing for some time now. But when I did, I never thought about my dates as a possible future partners, it wasn't a purpose. I usually went out, had fun..or not so much fun, or an interesting evening. I have found few great friends in my life this way, not partnership way.

Going through endless amounts of dates isn't really my way to look for love. Like having couple of dates... finding out that he isn't the right guy... then good bye.. next one please... So, I really can't tell in numbers how many dates I would need. I just don't have experience in this... and not going to gain them either.

I don't have such big hopes towards someone I have just met. For me the possibility of common future comes up with someone I love and he loves me back the same way. We both should get to know each-other well enough to be sure that we can go through the roughest times together too, not just good ones. So, I need my time to spend with him, let it grow, before building up dreams and making big decisions. I'm really not interested of another temporary thing, wasting my time, my feelings, my energy and my life just to move together, then acknowledge.. aah, didn't work out... wrong guy... and then split again. The transition time from unstable teenage years is over and now I'm ready to invest only into someone I have faith in and we are both ready for lasting commitment... to the end of our days. I know, there is always a chance it still won't happen, but then I can say... at least I tried my best and didn't settle on less.

So, my answer... When I start thinking about the future with someone? How long it takes? Who know's, I'm doing it for the first time...and last... As long it takes, I guess...

Putting aside the 10 year hiatus,,lol

For me, I believe it would have to be after I have had a chance to be a part of their life (meet friends, watch his interactions with others, learned about his values and priorities)

and seen that it is a life I would like to remain a part of,,,

Just before the first date.

Ditto

The whole concept of attraction is the consideration of a future together.
The moment I see a woman, If I am attracted to her, my mind starts pondering a future with her.
It could be anything from a conversation to a lifetime love with passionate sex.
As the dating proceeds, that consideration gets more focused. Fantasies give way to realities. Checks and balances are determined.
The reason why the relationship continues is because I still believe a future together is possible. If that future ideal stops, the relationship stops.

I must agree on that.

That dating thing... Two people meeting up, trying to give the best impression of themselves, revealing just the best parts of them, leaving the others blank. Human mind fills quickly those blanks with desired images and voila...the ideal partner to fall in love with - the illusion. They do have feelings, that full-filling euphoria and excitement and great passion. And they really do want to be with this illusion forever. Only problem, the partner they had in their minds isn't quite the same they dated with. But when daily life begins and reality hits, then comes disappointment and the partner to blame...that he/she isn't the same person anymore...that illusion.

Take your dates for 1-2 weeks to wild nature to hike and you will find out pretty soon, if you two have any potential for longer future together.

That is quite the negative outlook, although I guess for many it goes that way. It going that way or not mostly depends on yourself. If you want to fall in love, are in love with being in love, then yes, that is bound to happen.
But if you've grown, done the work (personal growth through which you got wiser and more empowered) you don't go about it that way.
And then the outcome can be totally different. We hit if off on the 1st date. And I admit, that is pretty unusual, and overwhelming as well to have those deep feelings right away. You gotta be able to handle that. But it just goes to show that it can happen.

As for hiking: Dutch ppl don't hike. We haven't got wild nature either, not really. Small bits and pieces that we call 'woods' or 'forest' and Americans would call a park. The closest to wild nature we got are the motorways, haha.

Yes Crystal, this is quite negative outlook. And relationships nowadays have quite negative outlook.

I know only 3 couples of my age (40) near to me who have been together from their young age. The rest of moving together, then moving apart, jumping from one relationship to another, getting married, having kids and then getting divorced and dating again and all over again... and then saying that we can handle it as grown and have different outcomes, but still being here and single again (sorry Crystal, I'm not referring to you or anyone else) and looking for next dates. And I'm not different. So, what's wrong with us then?

Sipsik:

From the time I was very young, I have seen huge contradictions between what the collective that we call our society CLAIMS they expect life to be about, and the real world that results from those same peoples' choices.

I've 'tried on" various explanations for why different people behave as they do, and while all of the explanations explain SOME peoples lives, no single thing works to explain EVERYONE collectively. I can tell you that from what I've seen most often, that the reason why some people do stay together for their whole lives, is that that is what they were trying to do. To live a complete lifetime with one person. That's a subtle concept that many people have to think about to truly grasp.

People who get together because they think they are about to experience a fantasy-carnival-ride-like lifetime, are the ones most likely to divorce rapidly, closely followed by the people who only wanted a short-term deal to begin with.

It really is, all about what you are trying to DO, in the end. You and your friends don't have anything " wrong" with you. Your experiences are due directly to what it is that you set out to do. Those of you who wanted lots of "fun," and who were convinced that staying through the down times was some sort of failure, moved on from coupling to coupling, or gave up on committing to anyone altogether.

Love is not magic. That's the fundamental I see at the bottom of it all. It is not an outside force, nor is it an inner quality, which causes people to live their lives well and honorably or not. Lots of people these days, get tremendously disappointed when they find that out, and lash out at each other, or at the society that mislead them to think it was, accidentally or on purpose.

Historically, I've seen various subgroups in various societies come up with different "solutions" to their frustrations with discovering this. One of the popular fads these days, has been to declare that all relationships are more or less bunk, and that we should do away with Marriage altogether, and have "shacking up" made the law of the land. Other societies have adopted the idea that marriage is for the sake of the children and for government and financial/business purposes, and that both "partners" should conduct their private sex and entertainment lives entirely separately. Still others went the entirely opposite direction, and tried to have the government violently force everyone to find a member of the opposite sex to officially marry, and "cleave only unto" for all time.

Personally, I am part of the "want to have a life partner for the purpose of living that adventure directly" group. But I have no illusions about how difficult it has been/will be to find someone else who both wants to do THAT adventure, AND who likes me.

Hmmmm.. good question thinking of a future together... when I started on my dating Quest I wasn't looking for anything serious but that changed to looking for serious ...long term ,.. down the road thinking... but it is truly hard to find somebody that you can think that way about or with...
Seems like a lot of people in our age category ,just like to date casually but seriously with just one person... it's more like companionship really...
Because most of us have ourselves established ..a house, a good job...
It's hard to make room for someone full time.... so seeing them on the weekend and occasionally on the weekday... seems to fit the lifestyle...
But I always look at the person I'm dating.. to see if there is the potential for long-term... I would like to grow older with someone.... but it seems like every time I find that someone..
.. it just doesn't work out for some reason... not sure! if it's a me thing.. or a them thing... so many things need to line up to make it right.... we tend to be wiser these days not so impetuous..
.. some people are great to date long-term with no real future . some people I can see having a future with...

but once you has been married it's hard to think along those lines again..
Hmmm... do I really want to be in a long-term committed relationship again????...hmmmm... some days it's a pleasant thought some days it's frightening as hell...
Lol

It's hard to make room for someone full time.... so seeing them on the weekend and occasionally on the weekday... seems to fit the lifestyle...

^^^ No1, you are right about the above statement..

..well.. exactly I think the best relationships are the ones where you don't actually live together...
That way each person is responsible for their own life style... no pressure to share responsibilities.. of one or the other.. it's like continually dating..
Which is good!! we all like dating at the beginning... you're always polite and at your most romantic... you're constantly entertaining each other.. going for movies and dinner. .. that stuff tends to stop when you start living together.... I don't know why! but it does.......

I think the best way to have a healthy relationship is to live apart... they can entertain you at their place and then sometimes you can entertain them at your place.... you clean your house they clean their house... you do your laundry they do their laundry...
You pay your bills they pay their bills...

This way you don't have any of that couple dependency on each other...
No excuses for you not to be you...
And them to be them....

All the benefits of being together with out the nasty stuff of being together.... yep Best of Both Worlds

Because it's untrue?

At best men may believe she, as she is at a particular moment, the one he wants to grow old with.
Belief and knowledge are two different things. Lot's of men use the terms interchangeably, many times for a woman's emotional enjoyment.

Men do not want to think about the future at a certain point because it serves little purpose at the time, and/or it might (or is trying to) force them into some kind of commitment.

Commitment = responsibility. Human beings inherently hate responsibility.
Responsibility = self governing without direct and immediate benefit and unknown consequences they're forced to accept = stress.
Stress = inefficient use of energy and death.

"The future" is usually far too broad to consider unless there is a directly relatable chain linking it to something more sooner relevant, or some sort of trigger, an association, that brings to mind a long term consequence.

Other than that, men do think about the future, but may not be sharing what they're really thinking as it probably includes a best case and worst case scenario and contingency plans.


Because what a lot of women consider "looking down that road" is actually just daydreaming and fantasizing.
In many cases daydreaming and fantasizing roadsigns to guarantee selfish emotional fulfillment, creating future fantasy scenarios that validate current emotional desires.
If you're going to, it's more fun to daydream and fantasize about robots fighting snakemonkeys, flying cars, and bikini models.


...Is this serious?
Hunting requires all sorts of planning.
What weapons to use/make, what supplies you need, how to get them, what season it is, migration patterns, where is the best place to find what you're hunting for, what's the best route to get there and back, how long you have to do it, what predators to protect from.
And if they're not hunting alone? Tactics, strategies.

Hunters have to focus on immediate, short, medium, and long term plans, as well as adapting them to fluid conditions.
They didn't just wake up in the morning, grab a spear, wander to a random spot, then stand around waiting for something edible to surprise them so they could use their only skill of short term focus.


Seems you're making a case that men have a better ability at situational awareness and responsibility based on reality, and women live in their own unrealistic fantasy world of emotional masturbation they use to validate all their decisions thereby justifying assuming no responsibility.

Let's mingle if your ready, we can hit the road together