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| Topic: looking for and not looking for | |
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Edited by
no1phD
on
Fri 04/14/17 02:26 PM
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Things you looking for in a partner.?
. Things you're not looking for in a partner?. Things I'm looking for in a partner. Children over 18 Career. Vehicle. Trustworthy and honest Emotionally mature. Excellent communicator. Good spirited. Great sense of humor good laugh and can laugh at herself . Analytical deep thinker. Physically fit. Great sex drive. Passionate. Artistic. Sensitive but not too sensitive. Affectionate likes to hold hands. Great kisser. Good fashion sense. Has all there emotional baggage dealt with.. Good relationship with ex.. or Non existent.. good relationship with family Has a passport. compassionate.. Lakes to be physically active .. Things I am not looking for in a partner.. Bad communication skills.. Inconsiderate and thoughtless.. Self-centered and selfish.. Lots of emotional baggage. No career or job. Poor relationship with ex and family. Two or more young children at home. Unable to travel.. Rude.. Unladylike.. Low sex drive or frigid.. Couch potato.. Big flirt.. can't keep attention on me. Untrustworthy.. Dishonest. No sense of humor.. or at least not in line with my humor |
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You forgot ..has a sexy kiwi accent  
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Not looking, but would consider
someone who loves God someone who loves kids someone who is healthy but not a fitness fanatic someone who shows compassion and empathy for others someone who believes in the mutual respect of 'gender roles' dealbreakers: bad body or oral odors or general poor hygiene excessive body hair, tattoos, or piercings inability to communicate at above a high school level focused on sex or appearances in every conversation |
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Yikes, it would not occur to me to make anyone
meet my wish-list of expectations, I take them as a whole package and would not nit-pick for flaws. Of course, their knuckles must not touch the ground when they lope about. |
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Never did lists. Love doesn't come from checking off boxes on a list for me. It just happens organically.
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I heard most my life that 'you can't help who you fall in love with'
to which my elders replied 'you can't fall in love with anyone you do not choose to be around,' I think both sayings have some truth, and we start somewhere when we choose whose advances to accept and who to surround ourselves with. |
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Yup.. sure sure no list required..
But I'm pretty sure you know what you're not looking for..lol.. For myself if you date enough people you start figuring out what you like and don't like pretty quickly..lol... Like for instance I never thought if the person had a dog full time..well.. that could be a bit of a problem if you want to travel.. or stay out late.. because that dog is going to have to go outside sometime... so kiss goodbye that spontaneous.. overnight trip.. |
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I'm all for making a list. Not because you need to check boxes, that's b0]]0x. You make a list purely to get clear for yourself what it is you really need in order to be happy in a relationship and what you need from and in a partner.
Most ppl haven't a clue about this, they just date, and most don't ever get anywhere except for growing bitter and angry because they don't succeed. If they'd just take a bit of time to make a list, their dating life would significantly improve. It helps to separate the wheat from the chaff a helluva lot faster. And 'chaff' is not bad. Your chaff is someone else's wheat and vice versa. I came up with a list a mile long, MUCH MUCH longer than No1's, and I haven't had to compromise on a single point. I didn't make that list in one go, it grew, I took it serious and gave it a lot of thought. Nothing on it is superficial either. I'll give part of the list, my full list is too long, grin - caring, warm - sensitive - supportive, not judgemental - can be vulnerable - communicates in healthy way - has male friends (serious deal breaker for me) - able & willing to make a commitment - has goals in life - cuddly, likes kissing - sees me and accept me for who I am - no young kids - can give and receive love - healthy & matching sexdrive - mature, strong, not co-dependent - 1.85m or taller (he's exactly 1.85m :) ) - No problems with past/ex/parents/children |
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You make a list purely to get clear for yourself what it is you really need in order to be happy in a relationship and what you need from and in a partner.
IMO I disagree with lists. IMO when people create lists they're simply creating the confirmation bias they're looking for. Little different than people that go online and look for news stories or articles that solely conform to their world view. They go to Drudge or Fox or Huffington Post or NYT every day and happy button click on any article headline that relates to what they're feeling about a subject or who they think they are. Then 6 months later they have this opinion on a subject that's based purely on pursuing this one perspective on a subject and feel justified, like they can argue about it, know all the angles and what everyone will say. But it's just a feeling that they're right, a feeling that they've done their research, a feeling that they know the subject, a feeling that they're part of a group or idea or whatever that is "right." Now they can't even look at a subject objectively, they can't approach an argument without the biased perspective, without some level of knee jerk negative reaction to anything that might contradict what they "feel." IMO that's what happens when creating lists like in the OP. The danger isn't that, though. The danger is later when trying to put it into practice. Like your list: - caring, warm, - sensitive, - supportive, not judgemental
- can be vulnerable, - communicates in healthy way, - has male friends (serious deal breaker for me), - able & willing to make a commitment - has goals in life Everyone is going to fulfill those in their own subjective way. The more you've focused on your list the more you build up preconceived ideas that are subjective and limited your tolerance levels or ranges for how other people fulfill them. When you're dating, biologically, your body floods with hormones and happy juice that makes you overlook flaws, makes you more susceptible to manipulation, sets its own tolerances. Through the three processes (1. who they are 2. who they are compared to your list 3. your emotional beer goggles) that creates a need for much more effort to rationalize the three realities into 1, a need to ignore and bury certain feelings, and create false ones. most don't ever get anywhere except for growing bitter and angry because they don't succeed.
Personally, I would posit an existing anger and bitterness, sublimated through choosing the "wrong" people ultimately justifies allowing bitterness and anger to surface rather than be pushed down. IMO people want to communicate and express how they "really" feel despite how they've been socialized to hide it. IMO people create "lists" (like in the OP) as a means to create an external source for confirmation bias that ultimately justifies pursuing the people that represent an extension of who they want to be or fear they aren't. They do not allow someone to see another person for who they actually are. That takes the ability to understand immediate reactions to the other person. "Lists," IMO, detract from that. They simply help condition you to react a certain way once you've convinced yourself they've lived up to something on your "list." |
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Yikes, it would not occur to me to make anyone meet my wish-list of expectations, I take them as a whole package and would not nit-pick for flaws. Of course, their knuckles must not touch the ground when they lope about. 
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You make a list purely to get clear for yourself what it is you really need in order to be happy in a relationship and what you need from and in a partner.
IMO I disagree with lists. IMO when people create lists they're simply creating the confirmation bias they're looking for. Little different than people that go online and look for news stories or articles that solely conform to their world view. They go to Drudge or Fox or Huffington Post or NYT every day and happy button click on any article headline that relates to what they're feeling about a subject or who they think they are. Then 6 months later they have this opinion on a subject that's based purely on pursuing this one perspective on a subject and feel justified, like they can argue about it, know all the angles and what everyone will say. But it's just a feeling that they're right, a feeling that they've done their research, a feeling that they know the subject, a feeling that they're part of a group or idea or whatever that is "right." Now they can't even look at a subject objectively, they can't approach an argument without the biased perspective, without some level of knee jerk negative reaction to anything that might contradict what they "feel." IMO that's what happens when creating lists like in the OP. The danger isn't that, though. The danger is later when trying to put it into practice. Like your list: - caring, warm, - sensitive, - supportive, not judgemental
- can be vulnerable, - communicates in healthy way, - has male friends (serious deal breaker for me), - able & willing to make a commitment - has goals in life Everyone is going to fulfill those in their own subjective way. The more you've focused on your list the more you build up preconceived ideas that are subjective and limited your tolerance levels or ranges for how other people fulfill them. When you're dating, biologically, your body floods with hormones and happy juice that makes you overlook flaws, makes you more susceptible to manipulation, sets its own tolerances. Through the three processes (1. who they are 2. who they are compared to your list 3. your emotional beer goggles) that creates a need for much more effort to rationalize the three realities into 1, a need to ignore and bury certain feelings, and create false ones. most don't ever get anywhere except for growing bitter and angry because they don't succeed.
Personally, I would posit an existing anger and bitterness, sublimated through choosing the "wrong" people ultimately justifies allowing bitterness and anger to surface rather than be pushed down. IMO people want to communicate and express how they "really" feel despite how they've been socialized to hide it. IMO people create "lists" (like in the OP) as a means to create an external source for confirmation bias that ultimately justifies pursuing the people that represent an extension of who they want to be or fear they aren't. They do not allow someone to see another person for who they actually are. That takes the ability to understand immediate reactions to the other person. "Lists," IMO, detract from that. They simply help condition you to react a certain way once you've convinced yourself they've lived up to something on your "list." |
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Me, I'm not a list maker either. But I have to admit there are 3 things. Don't be crazy/nutty or stupid. I just can't do those three things. If I like someone, I'm willing to work with most of their quirks. But those three, especially the last one. I just can't do stupid.
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I have mixed feelings on lists.
I am at a point in my life I know pretty much what will and most certainly will not make a happy camper. And before jumping to the conclusion that is all about me think how much easier/happier the person who is compatible is going to be dating, marrying, and living a quality life with someone who not only loves, but likes and also agrees with them more frequently than not. I don't know about others but my idea of "the good life" is feeling accepted, and spending very little time in conflict or stress because the person I live with is constantly not on the same page. |
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List;
What would work vs what would not. Easy tempo cooperative personality it works. If you are a nervous, aggressive, highly competitive personality take the race somewhere else. Likes being retired and trying new hobbies, watching sports, getting in or on the water but it is just fine with me if you are a foodie and don't mind that I like computer puttering or "sleeping" in with my Santa when it's Rainey. If you spend more face time than I do in the mirror, have to spend time sweating it up on the tennis court or being a gym rat;or mad for a week because you got whipped on the golf course please find Barbie and have fun being Ken. The kids are grown, flown, raising their own. Great if we visit works. If you, or the Ex, or drugs ect. mean your family is the never ending drama or your idea of saving the world is taking in strays until we drop in the mission field that won't work. You like a multicultural circle of friends/family, are more about inclusive communities, and probably belonged to some kind of organization, maybe the military, for years. Likely You have seen enough of the world and checked enough of your biggies off your bucket list ( like I have) that you are not that hot to keep punching your passport or collecting accolades. What will not work is someone that is hugely into any doctrine; political or religious; or some subculture that is into some kind of heath nut restrictive diet, 420, or extream body art. No "oholics" of any kind. It is fine if you have a place for live stock, and YOU want to keep it up, but the Queen of the house is me. I have a kitchen mutt and I don't do birds or cats in the house. I also like to share the kitchen and shop and hope for someone who likes fixing things or collecting. I like clean but regimented inspections and breaking starch went out the window 25 years ago. |
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My first two on my list are
1, healthy and fit 2, good looking Too Hard to find, so the rest on the list is pending . |
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My first two on my list are
1, healthy and fit 2, good looking Too Hard to find, so the rest on the list is pending . |
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Edited by
PacificStar48
on
Sat 04/15/17 12:48 PM
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My first two on my list are 1, healthy and fit 2, good looking Too Hard to find, so the rest on the list is pending . This always tickled me when I see it. This is Mingleland folks; as in setting behind a computer somewhere. The bold and the beautiful might be playing on line between sets on the tennis court but not friggong likely. |
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good looking is not always a plus
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Love it!
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My first two on my list are 1, healthy and fit 2, good looking Too Hard to find, so the rest on the list is pending . This always tickled me when I see it. This is Mingleland folks; as in setting behind a computer somewhere. The bold and the beautiful might be playing on line between sets on the tennis court but not friggong likely. Well , our human calls mating is "dating", but no difference from other animals , being selective . That is how we evolve . :) |
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