You forgot ..has a sexy kiwi accent

You make a list purely to get clear for yourself what it is you really need in order to be happy in a relationship and what you need from and in a partner.

- caring, warm, - sensitive, - supportive, not judgemental
- can be vulnerable, - communicates in healthy way, - has male friends (serious deal breaker for me), - able & willing to make a commitment
- has goals in life

most don't ever get anywhere except for growing bitter and angry because they don't succeed.

Yikes, it would not occur to me to make anyone
meet my wish-list of expectations, I take them
as a whole package and would not nit-pick for flaws.

Of course, their knuckles must not touch the ground
when they lope about.

IMO I disagree with lists.
IMO when people create lists they're simply creating the confirmation bias they're looking for.

Little different than people that go online and look for news stories or articles that solely conform to their world view.

They go to Drudge or Fox or Huffington Post or NYT every day and happy button click on any article headline that relates to what they're feeling about a subject or who they think they are.

Then 6 months later they have this opinion on a subject that's based purely on pursuing this one perspective on a subject and feel justified, like they can argue about it, know all the angles and what everyone will say.

But it's just a feeling that they're right, a feeling that they've done their research, a feeling that they know the subject, a feeling that they're part of a group or idea or whatever that is "right."

Now they can't even look at a subject objectively, they can't approach an argument without the biased perspective, without some level of knee jerk negative reaction to anything that might contradict what they "feel."

IMO that's what happens when creating lists like in the OP.
The danger isn't that, though.
The danger is later when trying to put it into practice.

Like your list:

Everyone is going to fulfill those in their own subjective way.
The more you've focused on your list the more you build up preconceived ideas that are subjective and limited your tolerance levels or ranges for how other people fulfill them.

When you're dating, biologically, your body floods with hormones and happy juice that makes you overlook flaws, makes you more susceptible to manipulation, sets its own tolerances.

Through the three processes (1. who they are 2. who they are compared to your list 3. your emotional beer goggles) that creates a need for much more effort to rationalize the three realities into 1, a need to ignore and bury certain feelings, and create false ones.


Personally, I would posit an existing anger and bitterness, sublimated through choosing the "wrong" people ultimately justifies allowing bitterness and anger to surface rather than be pushed down.

IMO people want to communicate and express how they "really" feel despite how they've been socialized to hide it.

IMO people create "lists" (like in the OP) as a means to create an external source for confirmation bias that ultimately justifies pursuing the people that represent an extension of who they want to be or fear they aren't.

They do not allow someone to see another person for who they actually are.
That takes the ability to understand immediate reactions to the other person.
"Lists," IMO, detract from that. They simply help condition you to react a certain way once you've convinced yourself they've lived up to something on your "list."

My first two on my list are
1, healthy and fit
2, good looking

Too Hard to find, so the rest on the list is pending .

This always tickled me when I see it. This is Mingleland folks; as in setting behind a computer somewhere. The bold and the beautiful might be playing on line between sets on the tennis court but not friggong likely.