Hey there.

I've been needing to talk about this for awhile, but I could never bring myself to speak about it to family members and close friends, as I don't think they'd really understand what happened, and why I'm hurting so. Perhaps the online dating community can.

Someone very special to me recently broke up with me after a year and a half of being together, "online". We met through a mutual gaming interest, World of Warcraft. After playing together, things progressed in our relationship at a relatively steady level. For my birthday this year, he called me on the phone. I was ecstatic. Now maybe that doesn't sound like much of a gift, but for him, it was quite an accomplishment. Or so it seemed.

He apparently has a social disorder which causes him to be deathly afraid of speaking with strangers, going outside, or even talking on the telephone. Perhaps I was stupid, but I believed him. I later found out that he had anaplastic thyroid cancer, and was working to overcome it. I gave him all the support I could, frequently speaking with him over Google Talk, letting him see me on cam, just letting him know that there was someone out there that cares for him.

After six months of this, he received his last chemo treatment and began his physical therapy for overcoming the atrophy in his muscles. It seems this is when things started going downhill. During this time, I picked up a second day job, which didn't allow me to be around as much as I would have liked. I still talked and showed myself to him, but he grew distant. He wouldn't talk much and often went to bed early. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he missed his wife who had passed away six years earlier, due to cancer. I could understand that.

From there, he fell into a pretty deep depression. He didn't speak to me at all, and barely IM'ed me. I didn't know what to do. I felt horrible for him, on top of feeling pretty bad for myself, feeling like I was losing someone very important to me. He told me he thought about suicide daily, but wouldn't do so because of his daughter. I urged him to seek help, but he wouldn't because of his "social" disorder.

Things finally came to an end when I was discussing Christmas gifts. I told him some of the things I was considering getting him, when he said, "I don't want any gifts." That upset me pretty bad, because I've always enjoyed personalizing gifts for him, his birthday, Valentine's Day, the previous Christmas. When I mentioned he never said anything about the gifts before, he got angry at me and said he didn't want anything from me. In return, I was hurt. I told him I didn't know who he was anymore, and what I was allowed and not allowed to do. He wouldn't speak to me, I couldn't call him, I felt more alone than I'd ever been with a person. I asked him to either let me be his girlfriend, or just break it off and stop hurting me with his conditions.

He chose the latter and broke it off with one sentence. "I don't want you around anymore." That hurt more than anything I could have possibly imagined in my life. I felt like someone had taken a piece of my heart and ripped it out, stomped all over it, and ran it through a meat grinder. Today, it's still hard to think about it, and I randomly get tears in my eyes listening to certain songs, or when I see peaches. (Was my pet name for him.) I know I need to let it go, but it's so hard to let someone like that you love, and still worry for, go. I'm afraid he's going to end his life... and I don't want that, ever. Even if he hurt me to the core.

I frequent a forum he visits to roleplay Shadowrun characters, and he seems to be doing just fine there, playing a new character. I don't know if he's masking his hurt by involving himself in his activities, or if he just genuinely didn't care about me. I hate feeling like this.

Sometimes we all get decieved from the very beginning. Things just aren't what they seem.

Ya know, maybe he decided (in his own mind) that you deserved someone better and he pushed you away so you could be happier.

I know that sounds insane but, since he has these problems, maybe he just didn't want to drag you down.

I suppose. It's still hard to let go of him, considering the things he told me while he was feeling down. I just wish people wouldn't play with others emotions. It's not a fun game.

It seems,from my own experience,that he's protecting you from the pain of possibly losing him.

You might be right, sincereman. He often spoke about not wanting to burden me, and that he felt like he couldn't be the person he should be for me. But what I could never get him to understand, is that I loved him as he was. Those things didn't bother me.

Oh well, my point is that maybe he wasn't trying to "play" you at all. He was trying to help even though you're hurt.

I'm sorry to hear that. I wish people would not play games either. Once you spend time getting to know someone, they become a part of your life.
He sounds like a very interesting character. I really wonder why he doesn't want to know you anymore. That's strange. I just wonder is he going to meet another girl in that game room and do the same stuff again?

His illness may also make him feel inadequate for you.I think Sincere has it right.

Thanks, it helps to have a third point of view. I think it would have hurt less if he hadn't put it so bluntly, but then again, that's just the type of person he was.

I still care for him, even if he isn't romantically interested in me. So, given the previous statement of him not wanting me around anymore, should I just stay completely away? So far, I have. But I hate not knowing how his recovery is going.

i agree with dmb....

my advice to you: settle your thoughts and stop putting yourself through hell. decide what you know and forget about wondering. its very easy to love someone without actually knowing them just for that fact: you don't actually know them and your mind can fill in the answers to whatever questions your eyes can't, but sometimes our minds play tricks on us. i think this is a case of purpose... you served a very valuable and necessary purpose in his life. the time was short and the ending was painful, but not every relationship is meant to be forever. sometimes you just have accept life's course. you had a chance meeting, and now you've had your time to enjoy, the luck has worn off and it is your time to part, and that's okay. you meant something vey special to each other, but now it's over. don't regret that it has ended, just be thankful that it happened.

i feel sorry for you both, and nothing is worse than being felt sorry for. it may never be explained to you, so you have to solve the mystery yourself.

oh shutterbug, you are forever wise.

I am not trying to funny but if you never met him in person before how do you know he is who he says he is? trust me you are better off without him.

It's hard to describe a connection you feel with someone, even if you've never met them. Like you said though, I don't know 100% that he is who he says he is. However, that doesn't lessen the feelings I had for him. We connected on a mental level that was unbelievable.

unfortunately online relationships can end badly. i wish you good luck in the future.

kiss, if you really believe that, i find it hard to believe you are on this site

Great advise above me! BE Happy with what you did for the relationship..... Take stock of your contributions and how much you could potentially give to the one who gives back completely and forever.

My aunt said marry the one that loves you not the one you love.. I thought it funny but I still think she is right.....

I agree with TK that you have to trust "For Now" that you are better off without the person.

You'll have some tough days and nights but you'll get through. We've all been there. For me ...... unfortunately several times.

J

I know it may be hard but unfortunetly it wasn't ment to be. The way I see it one relationship prepares you for the next. It's gonna take some time if you really felt close to him. But, you'll find some one, so don't worry.

Maybe he did the best he could and that wasn't enough. In the end, I'm not sure his motives or choices matter. Yours do.

I've gone through some similar feelings (although not online) and it's really nobody's fault. He's not playing you; he's just making the choices he feels he needs to make for his life.

I don't think it's a good idea to try to stay in contact with him. He's made it perfectly clear what he wants. Whether you agree or disagree with his decisions; he has a right to make them for himself. He's doing what he thinks is best for his life.

Let yourself get over this relationship. Mourn it. Remember it. Then let it go. And in future remember (as I frequently have to remind myself): You deserve a whole man. Not just a piece of one.

Ok. Everyone above has given you enough empathy.

A moment's reality check.

You have never met him, he's extremely acrophobic, has apparently had chemo treatment, but you can't be 100 % sure, on anything....


Where did you see this relationship going?

Are you the rescuer?

The Florence Nightingale?

Was that your agenda?

And I do ask this, because I played that game too.

And yes I got burned big time...but I earnt it...

I was the rescuer....poor misunderstood thing he was...

I went there twice, with two different guys.


Learn from your behaviours and agendas....

The rest is just delusional crap.

And yep, it hurts.

(your own pride)