"Look at the limes in this thing, how they float. Next time I am on a boat and it capsizes I will reach for a lime. People will see me floating and be WTF? Then I will pull out a lime. He is saved by the buoyancy of citrus." -Mitch Hedberg

"People say Mitch, doesn't red wine give you a headache? Yeah, eventually. I'm not going to stop doing something because of what happens at the end. Mitch, do you want an apple? No because eventually it will be a core." -Mitch Hedberg

"Hotels don't have a 13th floor because of superstition. But come on, people on the 14th floor you know what floor you're really on. Jump out the window. You will die earlier." -Mitch Hedberg

A pastor was praying for a man possesed wit demon,,,,he shouted,in the name of Jesus,wat do u want from this man?speak up before i cast u out this moment!!!the demon answered..i want him to win the Amarican lotteey draw worth $200 million tonight.....the pastor lowered the microphone n whispered...get out of him n enter me!!!!!!

I don't know if it would be worth being possessed. But that money would be nice. lol

Don't you hate waking up in the morning to the sound of a neighbor's barking dog? Or walking into your hallway to the stink of dirty cat litter? They need to create a cross breed of a dog and cat that meows instead of barks and goes outside to call on nature. They should call them dats, because dats what I want.

-Christopher Miller-

Just a thought. But if the meow came from a dogs mouth with the same volume as the bark. Wouldn't it still suck?

I wonder if David Berkowitz claim of getting order to kill from a dog would have been as believable if they meowed instead?

There are three things that happen when you get old. One, your memory fades. And I don't remember the other two.




You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends. But you can't roll your friends up into a ball and flip them across the room.

"People think just because I'm a guy that I'm into sports. But I'm not into sports. I mean I like Gatorade but that's about far as it goes."

"By the way, you have to be into sports to like Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. Hey can I have some Gatorade or does that lightning bolt mean no?"

-Mitch Hedberg

I like my women like I like my oatmeal... cheap, easy, and full of facts about dinosaurs.

so bruce willis is gonna keep on makin action films... cuz u kno what they say about old habits...

"Only the good die young and azzholes live forever." -Lewis Black

I kind of think that maybe I should stay off dating sites late at night. Because I tend to get really weird and thta little voice in my head that is supposed to say shut up. Is instead saying "Yes keep talking. You haven't alienated enough people yet." hahaha

I think termites would make a great addition to a circus act. Would would know they were done when the stands fell.

A traveler ends up in Texas and goes a bar. He pulls up a seat and orders a beer. After a bit the bartender brings him a bucket of beer and the guy says, "I just wanted a glass."

The Bartender replies, "Everything's big in Texas."

So the guy decides he wants some grapes. After a bit the bartender brings him a large bowl with what looks like water melons. The guy says, "I ordered grapes?"

The bartender simply replies, "Everything's big in Texas."

Finally the guy asks where the bathroom is and the bartender tells him it's down the hall and last door on the left. The guy goes down the hall and the last door on the right and falls into a pool. The first thing that pops into his head is, everything's big in Texas, and he yells out, "DON'T FLUSH IT!!!"

This is a test. this is only a test. If this had been an actual emergency then I would probably be getting raped by a duck.

One thing I have learned in my life is never argue with crazy people. You'll lose every time. I figure this is why I win so many arguments.

lol...and the fact that you guys argue with your
selves

Hey. I get along great with all the people in my head. hahaha