A magician gets a job working on a cruise liner. His crowds are so different that he can keep doing the same tricks over and over and no one catches on. But the captain has a parrot that he decides to keep in the room where the magician does his act and eventually the parrot starts figuring out all his tricks and telling people how he does them. This infuriates the magician and he really wants to kill that parrot. But he can't because it belongs to the captain. So he goes on doing his act the best he can.

One day tragedy strikes the ship and it's going to go down. So the magician gets to the top and jumps off into the water and swims to a life preserver. After the boat goes down he rejoices thinking that parrot is finally dead. When off in the distance he sees the parrot floating on a board.

Eventually they are face to face and they just glare at each other for hours. Finally the parrot speaks, "OK so how did you do it?"

dog walks in the butcher shop with a note in his mouth
butcher reads it and its an order for some pork chops
with $10 enclosed.
so he's naturally surprised by this, but fills the order,
puts them in the bag & the dog grabs the bag in his mouth
and walks off.
so surprised by this the butcher closes up and follows the dog
he sees the dog show his pass & get on the bus, he does
the same, watching the dog as he looks intently
around at every stop recognizing his area.
just amazed at all this, then the dog rings the bell at the right
stop.
making sure not to be recognized he follows back
the dog gets to the front door & he puts the bag down
stands up and rings the bell, and repeats.
then the dog goes back from the door then takes a run
and throws himself at the door & repeats.
nobody come so he go's to the back opens the gate
sets up the ladder, goes up, walks the railing out
to the window then sees the owner bangs his head
agains the door, the owner jumps up, opens the door
yelling & screening at the dog, calling him a stupid
idiot! well the butcher comes running up defending the
dog saying leave him alone I've been following that dog
watching him do amazing things,this dog right here is
a Genius, the owner retorts back and say oh a Genius
is he! some Genius we have here, that's the second
time this week he forgot his keys

Wow. All those brains unappreciated because he forgot his keys. Well I'll take that dog home with me then. hahaha

no dout eh!
ill tell that true dog story now.. give me a bit

this was in Alaska, ill just edit back in to this one

did you see that one about the cow werth $50, 000

cuz I edited in above, and tried to explain but you

misunderstood. on page one...its a good one




(((((ok izzy )))))))

not a word of a lie,
it was in Ketchikan Alaska , Alaskas first city, right in the
bottom of the pan handle in south east AK

its all logging & fishing, I spent lots of time there from 94- 2000

In the focsel bar the front door was always propped open

and they have all the bar stools at the bar, so this regular comes

in he's a like a golden retriever, same size mixed.

he got a tab as his owner gives the bar $100 in advance

then when the money gets down they just inform the

owner so he just decides to take a walk on his

own accord down the main street walks in hops up on the

bar stool and he just sits and waits for little pepperoni sticks

that they sold for a buck so he usually has three and

one at a time then they mark it in his book then he'll just wonder off

he never has a drink & is the best behaved costumer in the whole AK

I seen it lots of times, just a mind blower, just the discipline alone

as he's mellow & he doesn't beg for more, has his few then gone for
a few days. isn't that incredible?

I guess I had missed that one. That was pretty good. lol

Since there are people who buy used panties. I have another idea for something women can sell. Pubic hairs. This way thta weird stalker down the street doesn't to break into your house to find and steal your pubic hair for his voodoo doll of you. He can just buy them. hahaha

I've thought about starting a new thread in the games section and call it "I win" after the card game from Bid Daddy where no matter what everyone else got the little boy won. If I start it then no matter who posts after me I still win. hahaha

I would like to see one ad for a dating site where all the pictures of the girl to attract people are porn stars.

My friends tell me, they say "Mitch, you just don't know how hard it is to quit." Oh yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. "You look a little jittery there my friend."

"Yeah I'm about to floss." -Mitch Hedberg

(((izzy))) did you see that true dog story above?


young woman has decided to consummate her love with her long time boyfriend
so she discusses concern with her mother about her opening been quite big down there.
thinking her man wont like her! so mother say "oh yes, your got the curse as well as your mother, you poor dear, but it ok dear, this is what your mother did.

just before your ready take a liver steak and roll it up and insert It, he wont know the difference
and he will be very happy, so not to worry dear, you will be fine.

so she sticks it in a couple hours before, and they have a great night off love making.

they both go to bed really happy.

in the morning he's just about to leave for work and gives her a big kiss telling her

how wonderful she was last night and on the way out the door he said

oh , and a cleaned up & I put your C U N.xt T.ue in the sink

No I hadn't noticed the dog story. But I did just read it. That is pretty weird. Pretty cool too. I kind of laugh at this dalmatian that I've seen at this park in a city about 30 minutes from where I live. HE's come around and beg for food. Sometimes he whines and sometimes he just stand there and stares at you.

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?
Silicon Valley.



Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Put candle in a cake it's somebodies birthday. Put candles in a pie, someones drunk in the kitchen. -Jim Gaffigan

My sister wanted to be a nun. Until she figured out what nun meant."

I would name the comedian that did that one. But I don't know his name.

"I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up they got a load of potatoes. And Pringles is a laid back company so they just said **** it, cut'em up." -Mitch Hedberg

Why are there so many joke about people walking into bars? Why aren't there any jokes about people walking out of bars? Probably because those people aren't walking out. they're getting hurled out of the bar.

I watched a commercial I think for Olay soap. They had something like 3 or 4 girls wearing towels. They were asked to take a paper and put it on the wet bar of soap they had each used to clean themselves with. Each of the papers were orange and started to run supposedly because of the soap. Except for the Olay brand. Now considering soap is supposed to clean your skin. Shouldn't the fact that the other bar were removing the ink from the paper be a good thing? lol

I think I was up to late. To many things are making sense that shouldn't be making sense at all. hahaha

I once had a woman come up to me and tell me "You know what? You look like a gigantic baby."

So I said, "Waa. I want some *****. Bring on the *****."

-Dave Attell

The following joke is very dark and not intended for young audiences. If you are easily offended then do not read any further.

What is the difference between a dead baby in a bag and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.