Are you trying to murder the joke or are you taking this to seriously?

It was just pertaining to your answer to alookat's response

it seems I just missed the " if "and the" if" part , so it didn't make sence

now i'll tell my dog joke + a true dog story

I'm not a murderous bast...d

comming up..genius dogs

Are you saying you want to move it? Do you like to move it move it? hahaha

I do shake my shillelagh at the fine Lassies now an' then
But yeah i just thought there was some kind of organization in the site was all
Carry on
lol


This particular forum appears to already have post wars volleying for the top spot as it is
Not my site and damn few to care ...

Well if I had known there was actually a place for joke threads I probably would have put this there. But does it really matter? As long as all the right people are offended by my jokes I don't care. lol

A man goes to a hooker and asks "what can i get for 100", she replies "everything".. he says "great, cause the foundation needs starting"

3 hobos decide to break into a farm in the middle of the night to steal some chickens. the smartest hobo says they should sneak in, one at a time so they don't startle the sleeping cat that guards them.

The smartest hobo sneaks in first. He tippy toes across the cat without making a noise and into the farm house where he grabs a chicken. The chicken clucks and wakes the farmer. The farmer runs out of his house with his shotgun and yells "Who's out there?" The smart hobo says "Meooow" and the farmer returns back to his house. The smart hobo runs out with the chicken.

The clever hobo runs off and does the same thing.

Now it's the stupid hobo's turn. The stupid hobo sneaks across the cat, grabs a chicken, the chicken clucks, the farmer wakes, he shouts "Who's out there?!" and the stupid hobo replies: "Its just me, the cat."

I wonder how long he spent pulling pellets out of his butt? lol

Little Girl on the Plane
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total ... Stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, Or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask You a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same Stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns Out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, Thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which
The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

A traveling sales man is walking along when he notices a one legged turkey in a field. When he sees the farmer he just has to know what happened to it. So he asks him "What happened to that one legged turkey? How did he lose his leg?"

The farmer looks at him and say "Well one day my little girl was playing in the front yard when this guy tried to kid nap her and the turkey attacked him, scared him off."

"So he lost his leg in the attack?"

"Nope."

"Well what happened?"

"This one time my boy was playing and ran out into the street and nearly got hit by a car when the turkey knocked him out of the way."

"And he lost his leg to the car?"

"Nope."

"Then what happened?"

"Well this one day my wife came home from the store when this guy grabbed her and tried to rape her. That turkey jumped on the guy and knocked him out so my wife could get away and call the cops."

"So it's leg got broke after jumping on the guy?"

"Nope."

"Well then what happened? I got to know how such a courageous bird lost it's leg."

"Well, you can't eat a good thing like that all at once can ya?"

That's a damn good joke.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

A traveler having not eaten for bit to long and desperate for shelter asks a farmer if he can spend the night and get something to eat. The farmer says ok but tells him he will have to sleep in the barn and to keep his dick out of the three holes. the traveler thinks this is odd but agrees. After he has eaten he goes out to the barn and tries to sleep. After a while of being really bored he decides to ignor the farmers word about the three holes and puts his dick in the first one. Wow he thinks. This one feels pretty good. I've got to try the second one. So he pulls out the first hole and sticks his dick in the second hole. Hmmmm. This one is a bit different. But still pretty pleasurable. I've got to try that last one. So he pulls out of the second hole and sticks his dick in the third hole. This one just takes him right in. But he can't get his dick out. Finally when the morning comes the farmer comes out to see how the traveler is doing and yells at him, "I thought I told you not to put your dick in the three holes!"

"Well I got bored and curious what they were. Would you mind telling me?"

Well the first one is my wife, the second one if my cow and the last one is the milk machine and it's not stopping till it gets a gallon."

A man walking down the road stops to talk to old guy in his yard. Eventually they become friends and the old man invited him in to get a bite to eat and the younger man accepts. When he sits down and a plate is handed to him he notices spots on the dishes. "Are these clean he asks?"

"Clean as two soaps and three waters can get 'em." the old man replies.

So he's satisfied and they start to eat and chat some more. After they are both finished eating they keep talking and the young man wonders about the dishes. "Would you like some help with these?"

The old man stands and kindly replies, "Nah. I got it."

Then then gathers the plates and places them on the floor and calls out, "Here two soaps. Here three waters." And in run two dogs.

All my married friend keep telling me, "Just stop looking. When you least expect it that special someone will walk into your life. Just stop looking."

So I stopped looking and I'm developing my own interests. Like I've started digging this deep with hole in my backyard. Where I'm going to put net on it with a camouflage of leaves on it and cheese burger on top. Gotcha!!!
-Maria Bamford

that bird joke good too izzy)))


(((kartagane)))

ouch...lol herd it long ago...funny


l
(((lil red hoodie)))
an old but a goody...lol

I think each of the jokes have been good so far. Some more than others. That little girl on the plan really cracked me up though.


A man breaks into a house and proceeds to steal everything he can. Eventually he gets to a room where he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you." It says. The man startled looks around and sees nothing.

So he goes back to grabbing what ever he can. A bit later he hears it again. "Jesus is watching you." the thief gets a little more freaked out and looks even more but sees nothing.

So once again he continues to clear out as many goods as he can. When for a third time he hears the voice. "Jesus is watching you."

The man freaks and drops the bag and starts looking every where in the room when he notices in the corner there is a cage with a parrot in it. "Was that you?"

"Yep."

"You really had me scared there. What's your name?"

"Dilbert."

"Dilbert? What kind of idiot named you Dilbert?"

"The same idiot that name the rottweiler Jesus."