I’m still trying to get my relationship thinking cap on right, and I’m hoping the rest of you already might have yours on tight. So… as this is a dating site, where personal connections are made in the midst of the competition that exists, what are we supposed to think, say, and/or do if our partners/significant others makes it clear to us that they respect and will remain friends with the men and/or women that we both know are our rivals, and have acted accordingly towards us, should our partners loyalty to our known rivals be questionable, even actionable, such as being a deal breaker for us?

It's my feeling that relationships follow a natural path. If a woman enjoys the time she spends with me more than she does with others, she'll naturally want to spend more time with me. If she starts finding me tedious, she'll naturally spend less time with me and it goes both ways.

However, I don't go out of my way to plan all kinds of exciting things for us to do together. I just live my life and let her come along if that's what she wants.

What she does when we're not together isn't my concern. I don't care about any other men she may be seeing because it has nothing to do with the fun we have together. Fretting over that kind of thing just adds stress to your life. And who needs more of that?

For me i really have to consider that this is a dating site but i want it also to be natural in a way that i dont treat others here as a threat towards a guy. After all its a guys decision if whos who. They are here to settle/if they want to settle down so they must know how to narrow down, same with us. If ever he dont agree of me still chatting with my friends then its up to him. He must know where my loyalty is.

Hi Scoundrel... I can't resist digging more deeply into your psyche, if you'll let me, plz... So here goes... I agree that relationships follow the path they are walked.. and each has an understanding about the way the other is... in this narrative, you seem to be saying that you don't have feelings for this woman, so you can take her with you, or leave her behind to enjoy her life with other men... that's cool, I get this free spirit concept... but I'm curious to know... if you do have serious feelings for a woman, and don't want to see her frolicking with other men... what would your reaction be if she tells you she's not going to respect your wishes, because she wants to continue reveling in the admiration of your male friends?

hi winlei... so to you, it is important that you both know where your loyalty is toward each other? And if his loyalty rests more with another woman than with you, do you accept his divided feelings?

I agree with Texas Scoundrel, If a woman wants to be with me she will. If she wants to be with others she will. Theres really no sense of getting Stressed out by trying to "force someones hand" regardless of my feelings.

hi jack... I agree with you and Scoundrel too, when it comes to open relationships... but to me, I prefer to let go of the hand, rather than forcing it...

To be honest I don't want to think in terms of "rivals" or "cutting out" the competition...I wouldn't want to be this way with a man. And I wouldn't like it if a man acted this way with me either...I agree with what the guys wrote. I don't want to go on a "chase" and try to "rope and tie" someone...Or make demands. Or push someone in a "corner" and force him to make choices...This is not my style...There are tons of men "on the market." (And women too!)...I'm just not into trying to force someone's "hand."

No ,Thhen he is not really in love with me in that case.

hi Green Eyes... I understand that people don't like to admit or even talk about the competitive atmosphere on dating sites, but it goes with the territory... and although I also agree with not forcing people's hands, this has nothing to do with the topic that I thought I was very specific in defining...

which is... an existing relationship where obvious rivals are competing for the attention of the two involved, and that one of them wants to revel in the outside attention, while the other one doesn't want that kind of connection... so... do they stay in the dysfunctional relationship that won't go anywhere meaningful with all the outside distractions, or do they just walk away and find someone that is on the same page about these issues... I know what I would do in this case, and was curious to find out how other Minglers would deal with it.

After all, I just divorced a man who refused to put me first in his life, even though I was the one taking care of his every need, everyday, in every way, for 18 long years, and I'm not going to get seriously involved with another man that thinks it's okay to put other women ahead of me just because they make him feel attractive or wanted or whatever. And as awesome as your husband treated you, I can't see you being happy with him if he put other women ahead of you in his affection and respect either...

as far as cutting out the rivals... the title "how do we win over the competition" is meant to win the rivals over to our sides, not cut them out of the competition... to me, if everybody involved is on the same page, there's no competition to have to deal with in the first place because of the mutual respect that would be involved...

Cool, that's the same thing I think too... that a man that puts other women before us isn't in love with us...

I like how you put it, kic... that a man will want to be with us because of our chemistry and the "special" friendship we share with them... I'm not competitive either, and rather than fight for a man's attention, once he makes it clear that I'm not important to him, I walk away so he can be with somebody he will truly love and respect.

AthenaRose..I guess I look at it this way..If I'm thinking in terms of "rivals" and competition the odds are that I will attract a man who subscribes to these same kind of views too...My husband's first wife had several affairs in the last years of their marriage. But my husband treated it as an "isolated situation" and didn't expect me (or all women) to have affairs...He looked back and tried to figure-out why his first wife had the affairs. He felt that he (and she) had started focusing too much on their kids and being parents (through the years) versus keeping their "couple love" alive and well...They tried counseling but the gap between them had become "too wide" and in the end they decided to end their marriage...My husband tried to learn from his earlier mistakes and we both worked to keep love and romance "alive" in our marriage...He wasn't a "womanizer" type of man and didn't want to be! It wasn't his nature.

I'd walk away too!

Green Eyes... it never even dawned on me that there would be competition or busy bodies in online dating sites who make it their business to seek out and get involved in other peoples private and personal affairs... until I was here long enough to witness it first hand... and as it is in real life when people stick their noses where they don’t belong, friction is created and couples are more easily affected by these intrusions. Whereas in real life, because we're not in such close proximity, we lack the ability to find out relationship status updates as they occur, so the probability that outside interference when a couple experiences a bump, is almost non-existent and they can figure things out on their own... on the other hand, it seems that because we're all socializing here in this tightly knit community/environment where we can keep up with who is with whom, or not anymore, while we have such easy access to others we can readily seek out for shoulders to cry on behind our partners backs, it's much easier to carry on the open style relationships that are being described, if that's the type of thing we're in too...

anyway… it seems that I myself have somehow veered off topic… I think… darn, I must be drinking too much coffee again… my mind seems to wander more when it’s under the influence of too much caffeine…

oh no... if there's no respect there's no reason to stay in a personal relationship that's missing a core value... and besides, I'd rather enjoy a rousing challenge with someone who actually prefers my company...

I understand the button pushing type of playfulness, which I am guilty of enjoying every now and again, but only with a partner that enjoys stimulating challenges of this nature too, and only if we both already have a deep and abiding knowledge and respect for each other... and we know just how far we can push things in our play, before we call a truce, so as not to truly hurt the other... what I cannot, or I will not abide is when I have made my feelings about a certain subject that I find extremely offensive very clear, and rather than compromising to honor my position in the matter, my partner stands against me on it so that his position is paramount, and by so doing, not only does he disrespect me, he encourages others to do the same, in order to get them to side with him, so that he can justify his preference... but, that kind of dog don't hunt in these woods... a man who wants to be with, and play with me, plays by my rules, not another woman's... and I don't care if they are just friends... especially when this other woman that he praises so highly has already set herself against me in various other ways to cause me harm... this type of game playing at my expense is an instant deal breaker for me... because I would never treat my partner like this, nor allow any of my friends to mistreat him either... and any man that would encourage another woman to hurt me in any way, shape, or form, can't then look at me and say "I love you", and think that I believe him... well, it's these type of hypothetical scenarios that make me thankful to be single and not looking...

What would further blow my mind in this type of scenario is if my partner would be expecting me to share my property and assets with him, while he continues to keep company with a woman that he knows is my enemy... I may be kind and generous, but my daddy didn't raise no fool... jeeezzz.. just talking about these kinds of things, even in a hypothetical setting, is enough to make my skin crawl...

I'm not sure that I understand exactly what you're asking here but if I meet someone who becomes my "partner" or "significant other" I take it that you are talking about someone that I've started a sexual relationship with and in that case there's no way that I would think that it was cool that she was still dating other men. People like that are players and they mess you about. She either wants to be my girlfriend or she doesn't.

yes, the partners have an active sex life, a real relationship... and I'm with you too... I think it's wrong for our lovers to be stepping around on us, especially if its with people they know have it out for us to begin with. that's just too below the belt... trashy even...