In order to honestly get to know someone, or for them to get to know us, we have to be open about ourselves… so why, when we respond to others interest in us, do we sometimes refuse to be direct, preferring instead to beat around the bush… are we trying to hide from others what we don’t like to admit about ourselves?

There nothing wrong with being cautious. Revealing your inner self to the wrong person is a very frustrating and humbling experience.

Because maybe they could use what we disclose to hurt us in some way?

Perhaps. You also wonder how much they are truly being open with you. Once a relationship matures beyond a reasonable point beyond a mere casual one I can see more openness. But I can't see revealing your innermost troubles, challenges, foibles, to someone that you are only in a casual relationship with. You have to know who to trust with your issues before you share them.

You also hit on another point. There are sometimes we have not come into truthful admission with ourselves with things that potentially affect positive relationships, both with ourselves and with others.

thank you for sharing your thoughts, toxicpoizon... and I can't help but wonder that if we aren't honest about ourselves even in the casual phase of a relationship, what kind of substance will it really possess as it grows... or, could it be that our refusal to be honest about who/what we are truly about up front, is what causes relationships to fail so quickly, because after spending time together and we let our guards down to reveal our true natures to others, they then decide that what they see isn't what they bargained for when they got into the relationship.. much like a bait and switch type thing?

Tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth??? Well, I would like to paint myself in somewhat of a good light. I mean, I've done some pretty stupid stuff in my day, and I see no good reason to advertise that.

Life experiences teaches that you DO NOT show all your cards at the beginning of the game. People should only share as they get to know others. I share what needs to be shared as the association grows. IF it reaches the point to be totally open, THEN I will.

I don't think that revealing all our foibles is what is important to establishing and growing a relationship either... but if asked a direct question, like, "do we use ketchup for our fries" and we say yes just because our date does, only to admit at a later time after being served fries with ketchup again that we can't stand this combination, why would we choose to be misleading at all, only for the truth to have to eventually be known or we'd be stuck eating something we hated for as long as the relationship lasts.

And plz know this is just an example I'm using to illustrate the absurdity of not being ourselves from the start...

I am not trying to hide anything, but I am a private person and I also don't trust others right away. I do have things I'd prefer to keep to myself or private. I think anyone should have that choice.


I am careful, especially on here (the internet) but it doesn't mean that I do not enjoy the friends I have made here. I do, very much.

So, the importance or triviality of information that we feel comfortable disclosing depends on the individual's view of when to hold them and when to show them... cool..

If a person can't be truthfull about minor things; as per the example; there is a HIDDEN AGENDA, that is their actual goal.

well like a scammer maybe. That is a good example of the need to be careful on here. Also once an individual has been hurt in a relationship whether friendship or romance, I think it takes a bit longer to make a new connection subsequently....a little longer each time

I can't imagine being untruthful about ketchup, but sounds easily forgivable...

I'm beginning to understand the value of being more discreet with what I choose to disclose too.. because I'm seeing more and more everyday, especially on another site I'm also a member of, just how cruel and down right vulgar people will be when they don't like you... and they don't have a problem with airing their opinions on the boards in public... it's more like a game to them to try to tear down others... and the more aggressive and ignorant they can be the bigger the crowd they gather around themselves to join in their sick form of self entertainment at others expense.. and they call it a dating site... but who in their right mind would want to hook up with people that have already shown themselves to be heartless? Yes, I think I need a drink now too...

I dated a woman once, the first thing she said was that all she wanted me to do is to be completely honest with her, within two months she told me that I didn't need to so honest anymore.

Well, the crazy is something that one is supposed to find out over time. You don't want to put too much of it out there at once, because a person's foibles or peculiarities are things that we either learn to love or cause us to take a step away. Too much info at one time causes overload though, some questions are better left unanswered, and in reality, truth and falsehood are a matter of perspective.

Oh, and for the record, I only put ketchup on fries if they suck. The general rule, the thicker the french fry, the more apt it will receive ketchup.

some good and valid points - I agree

internet bullting has become a crime but I am not sure of the particulars ATM. I have no sympathy for those who behave as such when it is intentional and persistent, particularly. For example, I am worried about singmesweet right now because she was being stalked and now she's gone.

People like that need to remember that these posts are mostly a permanent record. I look at the forums like a conversation with a group...pretty much anything I'd say here can be repeated anywhere & I would not feel betrayed. PM is akin to a 1 - 1 convo where more private information can be shared, but it should not (IMO) be repeated elsewhere lest one become a gossip.

I like your perspective, that the crazy is to be taken in small doses so as to build up our immune systems and help ward off premature rejection... and yes... the thicker the redder...

exactly... and it really upsets me to be played and have my time wasted... but I'm also thankful my gut knows more than my mind does sometimes, and is capable of warning me when and if I'm in the process of being scammed, so I can reverse gears immediately..

SMALL people need to put others down, to make themselves feel big. ALWAYS consider the source of such comments & see thru them.

I learned time and place. There is a time and place for all things. If we are just going to the movies or dinner you don't need to know my favorite sex position for example. In fact that makes me very uncomfortable. But if we been chatting for awhile and we are both feeling each other, the door may eventually open to that conversation and I have no issues sharing then.

I think relationships fail so quickly because we want so many different things out of a relationship. In that I believe you must be open about up front and right away and if it chases him or her off, oh well.