this will probably be moved to parenting,,but

if you have a teen or young adult who introduced to you their boyfriend/girlfriend

and they ask you what you think of them after you meet them

how is the best approach at being constructively honest if you see red flags that cause you to think they arent right for your child?

I think it would depend on your relationship with your child.

I talk to my children about anything..

However boyfirends and girlfriends are tricky. i would talk to them in a round about way but probably wouldn;t straight out say anything at firs. Mainly because i would like to have their view first.

Pretty much with a teenager they need to see things for themselves, i would be supportive, express some of my fears while we where chatting and let them talk to me about what bothered me, but really i wouldnt say much, they need to make their own mistakes, i knowing I am there to back them up.

At the moment my eldest son is with a women 10 years older than him with 4 children and who uses him .. However although I cannot stand her i wouldn't let either of them know that. But he does know that I don;t think he is making the best decision, but it's his decisionand I will love and support them both.

well my daughter isent a teen anymore
for she now 29yrs old

she had her frist child ay 14( 2months before she turned 15)
as you cant watch them 24/7
she had her second child at 17
she had her the day before she graduated and she graduated 1yr early
which she was also on the top of her class

she had 3 kids by the same guy
my daughter found out she was pg with there 3rd child a month after they had gotten married..
they split up right before there first annerversary.

she finally realized what kind of guy he was. for we had already knew

in oregon if your 3yrs or older its declared sagitary rape
they knew where he lived and work but didnt arrest him
untill 1yr after my grandson was born
and the week he got out of jail
was the week my daughter got pg with her 2nd child
and he went back to jail for he wasent allowed to have contact with my daughter.

he was sposeto had gotten off probation 5yrs ago
and i had a feeling he was going to get in trouble again
and i told my daughter that
and i was right. he got in trouble with his brother
and his brother severed 3yrs and my daughter ex was suposeto have 3yrs but he got in trouble while he was behind bars so he wont get out for a few more yrs
thats his mistake.

my youngest granddaughter is now 6yrs old
doesnt know him.
and in my eyes she doesnt really need to know him
the 2 older kids dont really talk about him
there actually better off without him

my daughter some how got into a lesbien relationship for a brief
and we saw nothing but negativity of that partner ( there no longer together) which took her awhile to see

she got into another male relationship over a yr ago
and they had a child together 6months ago
he a great guy but very quiet and not really socialble ( around our family any how)

she wanted to marry him
but he stated in his custom if the femalle had been married before then the men wouldnt be allowed to marry thst person.
my daughter decided that she needed to go forward and broke up with him

she made her descion
but im not sure if it was the right thing

When they ask you that, what they mean is, "Tell me how great he/she is!" It's like they say about Survivor Tribal Council, or what I just read about oral arguments before the Supreme Court: Anything you say isn't going to change their mind, which is already made up.

Now if I saw major red flags like obvious drug use or a violent personality, I would indeed say something, but it would be more on the order of asking whether they're always like that. Teenagers live to rebel, so the less you can give them to argue about the better off you'll be.

You may think they're not right for your child, but you've only had one meeting, which may have brought out the worst in the boyfriend/girlfriend. Possibly you don't know your child as well as you think, too. After all, we're talking about relationships, and we all know how complicated those can get. It's also possible that in a few weeks or months your child will discover on his/her own if their new partner isn't really the one after all. If you can, it's best to trust them to notice their own mistakes and learn from them.

My approach is brutal honesty. Of course, my input is usually ignored, but they can't claim later I didn't tell the truth or make my point clear.

I talk with them and find out their thoughts. Then I bring up my concerns and good points in a way that allows them to see those red flags and how they may affect them. Depends on how rebellious they are in some sense. If they always take your advice or they go against you. My daughter is a little of both, so I lead her but don't force. In general try to get her to see my point, but let her make the decision. It allows her to use her common sense and what her mother and I have taught her. Also builds trust.

I tell them the plain out facts and point out they can do better and I expect them to. Fortunately, my kids listened to me and now have loving spouses!

Amazing, a teen listening to daddy.

Really hard, sometimes, I see myself so old school, that the way I see things are quiet different from the modern day scenario.

I have a 24 year old daughter who's dating this same guy for 6 years. They asked me they wanted to get married 3 years ago. Told them to wait a while, finish their studies so they can get a more stable job and thank goodness they listened, now they're both professionals and saving for this wedding/family plan.

A second one 22 year old, very rebellious, I would suggest something, then she would do the opposite. She introduced this man of 11 years her senior last January 2012 and I told her my honest opinion about him. I suggested to take the relationship one day at a time, so, she can get to know him. Honestly, it was a total surprise when she decided to moved out with him.

I hope, when the time comes, that my son decided to bring a man home, one day, this will not give me a total shock.

All parents want the best for their children, we can always lead the way for them, show them the right path, be a good role model, guide them in making an educated decision but at the end of the day, children (specially those in legal age) will somehow make their own choices and judgement. Probably of choices, similar or opposite to ours. I just keep on reminding them to be responsible in their own actions and decisions. Try if they can, to prevent pain, worries and troubles. As I always say, don't look for them.

My 18 yr old son and I are quite open and usually feel comfortable talking about most things but one thing we never discuss is his g/f's.

I don't know whether it’s because I've adopted a policy of never to introduce someone I wasn't serious about to my children or whether he’s just being a secretive teen.

Either way, if he did introduce to a g/f to me that I didn't feel was best suited to him, he knows that I'd be honest regardless of whether he asked for my opinion or not

well my girl is 15 n her bf tried too tell her wat to wear n who she can hang out with... He even accused her of cheating on him cause she sent a heart to a guy friend...
I'm furious with this young lad and so is his own mother, but she made me proud the other day by saying too him that their is only one person in her life that can tell her wat to do n not do and that is me (her mother) and if he didn't like it he knows where the door is.....
She has her mother spirit... Love her too bits.... But i have ann open relationship with all my 7 kids... Makes things very easy with subjects...

your daughter bf accused her on cheating
that shows several things, hes very insecure as well hes the cheater
for when a man accuses the girl its normally told he has not been faithful..

been there so i know what im talking about

that is true queene 123 cause this is their third time together, he cheated on her once n dumped her second time for another girl...
She is even tired of the crap out of his mouth... She knows she can do better but loves him to much (don't know why) she can't answer me that... But time will come when her career will blossom for her sights r set on three things, singing/modelling or a police women... And she has said he will never hold her back from getting her goals...

you know
my ex hubby cheated before during and after we got married and my family and friends told me but yet i didnt listen
in fact a friend of mine was having problems in her marriage and i let her stay with us. at that time i was pg with our son
and that nite he tried everything and she was up most of the nite trying to brush him away
she had a appt that she had to go to in the morn and she called me and told me and while i was on the phone with her i comfronted him, he laughed and i stated i belive her more than i belive you.
he knew he was caught and didnt say anything else
but stupid me, i gave in and stay with him and married the idiot
wasent with him that long after that. we split up before our 1st annerversary

Generally my som's did not discuss their friends or date choices with me. I treated them with the same general hospitality that I did my friends but did not try to evaluate them . They saw discussing theri friends as gossiping and or it was a betrayal of their privacy and the privacy of their associates.

While I would ask them if they enjoyed their friends I did not pry for details and generally stayed out of their relationships. A real advantage when they wanted to end a relationship of someone I might not know as well as they did and like because they most often demanded that thier friends stay with in the bounderies in my company.

While we had general discussions about values and what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior in relationships it was not open season to set around and gossip about specific people.

It isn't like I liked all their choices but I knew in the back of my mind that if I made their relationship miserable then I was hurting my child and I might be driving away a future daughter in law and grandchildren that is easier to do than many every dream.

Actually, I tell them exactly how I feel. IF I don't like them, I tell them the truth. I usually don't sugar coat anything. I tell my boy's the way it is, and in the long run then end up telling me I was right.
Usually I can tell after 5 minutes of talking to a girl IF they are right for my boy's. IF I don't think they are...I usually say, I think you need to make a list about the pro's and con's and really think about this one, I didn't get a good vibe from her at all.
Now did I ever listen to my parents? NO..I has to learn the hard way so I am glad that my boys listen!!

we all dont listen to our parents
and when we become parents.. we tend to shock ourselfs
and realize.. wow we have been there.... see how we have grown to see the light

We should collaborate and write an instruction manual on Teens, because i'm not sure how to put my teen together to make it work...and apparently there is a no return policy

Raising my kids alone since they were little instilled a great love in them for me. I was always there and they never wanted to disappoint me or else I just got lucky (hey, it happens). I wouldn't know what to put in a manual, I was shocked they listened to me!

Raising children is one of lifes greatest challenges, of which i'm sure you are well aware. But to raise them on your own is commendable! I applaude you on being a great father AND mother...god only knows the world needs more dads like you...you old hippie you

Thanks, but a multitude of women have to go it alone all the time and I feel for them.