My wife died and I have recently decided that I needed to start meeting people and dating again, I am finding that many women seem suspicious of my motives or doubt my ability to let go of the past. I am up front about the fact that I still (and honestly always will) love my deceased wife. This in no way means I can't fall in love with someone new. Having loved once, I know what I am missing and life is too short to not live it fully.

So my question is this; how do I tell the truth about myself (and how I feel) without scaring someone off (before they even get to know me)?

I loved my wife, but it was by no means perfect. I'm completely committed to being honest, that's why I am being up front about my past.

It's been sixteen years, and I still don't quite know how to introduce that subject. I've started using euphemisms when asked about the past. Being non-specific and working quickly to a new subject. It only seems to marginally help, but for your own sake, don't ever be the one to bring it up. You'll tell whomever you're seeing in your own time. So if asked about your status when first meeting someone, say you are "recently single."

I wish I could be of more help.

be honest- it will weed out those who have concerns about being with a man who is widowed - make it plain that you understand that not everyone can handle the statement "I will always be in love with my wife" .....when they are wanting to be your one & only

the good thing is that you value a loving committed relationship and don't have anger and hostilities toward females. I would think that would be seen as a positive by many

but ya, it's the idea of having to "live up" to someone who is idolized in your mind. not an easy thing...will you freak if a new woman doesn't make toast the same way? or does?

this^

Thanks for the advice (and I'm sorry for your loss). Euphemisms have always felt wrong to me (I prefer to be direct about important things), but I'm sure your right.

to my own little understanding, i believe any woman coming into your life now, should know that she will be secondary in the meantime, she should be able to help you get over it, she has to be patience, and be tolerance with you.
and you should be ready to let go... any adult know it's not easy to go through a heartbreak

First off..welcome, fellow resident of the great state of Kansas! There's not enough of us around these parts!

And I'm sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that is to deal with. However, I personally think when dealing with dating, less is more at first. I appreciate you wanting to be honest up front, so few people are, but I also think that subject is something that doesn't need to be thrown out immediately. I don't remember who else said it, but I think the phrase "recently single" is just about right. If they press the issue, then obviously explain. But most women won't on the first few dates. I think that subject, that particular heartache, is something that doesn't need to be shared with just anyone. Save it for the ones that truly seem interested in your heart. Ya know?

Good luck!

what do you feel was euphemistic or wrong?


you want the closeness you had with your wife - don't blame you there

do you think you have put the past behind you? (only fair to the new missus)

Sorry, I was responding to "Roaming Orator", I thought the forum was "threaded", as you might have noticed I'm really new here.

it's OK

welcome

If the truth about you scares a person off, then that person wasn't right for you any way.

By the way, I joined this website after my wife died. So, I understand your perspective.

I wouldnt see the issue. Just by being told someone is a widow or widower , causes me to draw two conclusions

1. They were married
2. Their spouse has died


and 1 HOPE

1.. That they loved their spouse


I would think it a positive thing that someone had shown ability in the past to make a loving commitment,,,,,,I am not sure why that would scare anyone off unless it somehow becomes some type of bar they are expected to duplicate or surpass,,,

At least you just have a picture of yourself in your picture and not one with your deceased and you in it. People are visual. Sometimes just the picture can be obvious to others other than yourself. If you write poetry it can certainly show up there especially when you write in the third person a lot. If you communicate in the 'we' form instead of the "I" form unless you have children it is a give away. Looking for friends only can be looked on in different ways in a person's profile when one is a widow or widower. If you find yourself using the edit a lot like I do you might want to question your availability. It can get to be a two part question of whether you are trying to convince you or them. No dishonor in saying to one's self if they are not ready or not. some of these things can be attributed to exes as well. Grief can be a tricky thing. One can get false starts and stops. I know I sure have had my struggle with letting go of the past.

I don't think there is an exact formula for telling someone that you're a widower without "scaring them off".

You've already identified the 'problem' (for lack of a better word) i.e. you still (and honestly always will) love your deceased wife...you just need to persevere and hope that someone will be able to let go of their insecurity about competing (in their mind), with the memory of your deceased wife and give you a chance.

Welcome to Mingle.

Meeting people and dating again are two different things. I like how you separated that. Meeting people before dating again is a good idea. Getting past the envy thing of couples was a big thing. Grief was a cruel hideous monster. It can catch you off guard when you least expect it. I remember I even had to stop writing poetry for while because I was scaring the bejesus out of myself.

Thanks for the responses, it's always good to hear what other people have dealt with.

This is exactly how I feel.. Today would have been my 31st anniversary, it will be 5 yrs in March that he passed away...I would like to find that kind of relationship again....

The only widowers that have contacted me have been scammers. I have never actually been contacted by someone who really was a widower. So, that being said; could some of the ladies have gone through what I did and are skeptical whether you are genuine or not? Just a thought.

I see no reason to euphemize "widowed" with "recently single." That actually seems disingenuous to me. The real problem would be your statement that you will "always BE IN LOVE with her." That identifies an ongoing process--not the ability to place your grief in the past. I think Ms. Silverfox's last sentence would be a wonderful one to use: you hope to find that kind of relationship again.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best.