As a father..

I'm asked for advice constantly about, not raising children (oddly) but relationship advice. Why? I've no clue since I am not the ultimate at keeping them myself; however, I constantly encounter the same situation when asked questions and given responses, so I want to see what others think so I can assert myself to be a better 'love advice specialist'. Haha

Ok, so..

Without delving deep into the issues of others. Let me get to the jist of it.

I am constantly asked, 'What should I do about him/her because (reason isn't actually related so conjure basically anything you want with few to no limitations; heard them all) I am no longer happy, but I still love him/her?'

When I, in turn, confront them with the question, 'Well, why outside of love, do you believe you are with him'. This is an answer I hear often:

"..well we have kid(s) and a house together and it's really not that easy to just pick up and move on.."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

That statement is where my question now comes into play.

I do not believe that either of these justifies a solid reason into staying in that relationship. It is not fair to the kids, first off, and a house is a material possession and for those who truly believe that love exists; I mean TRUE love, material possessions can be replaced.

Material possessions does not constitute real love.
This is what I try to get across in this sense of reason.
Love = Happiness.
Misery = Love?

Right, cause that's a logical equation. Onward..

I also believe that outside of affairs, this is the second largest reason behind divorce and failed relationship, because people purposely try to avoid the actual issues and resort to petty reasoning behind their actions.

I, myself, was in such a position. House, Fiance, a son; I left, never looked back. (I do regret the way things played out after, but, that was my own youthful stupidity; but I stand behind my choice to leave.)

So, what do you think?

Is it truly wrong of me to assess that using children, or material possessions is a cheap attempt to assess the contradiction of staying in a situation which ultimately you hold no satisfaction from, receive no love in, and ultimately, you are just setting yourself up to fail further down the line when you finally hit the point where you say, " I cannot take this anymore! "

..or am I wrong, in your opinion?

I just want some incite to see if I'm truly speaking wisdom, or just talking with logic over anything else.

huh?

well finance and infidelity are the two primary reasons for divorce

they gotta be in there somewhere in those problems you were sorting

if 2 people have built something together and one or both is unhappy - it is not necessarily their partner's fault. Happiness comes from within and I can't imagine that a loving partner would not be willing to help you find happiness....together

it's when one partner is not interested in seeking counsel within the marriage - with their partner for solutions - that the marriage falters. When they go outside the marriage to talk about problems rather than having a heart to heart with their partner

so if I were you I would tell them they should be talking to their partner about it...and say what I could to give them the courage to do so

I'm not sure if this is what you are looking for...have u been drinking???

I am constantly asked, 'What should I do about him/her because (reason isn't actually related so conjure basically anything you want with few to no limitations; heard them all) I am no longer happy, but I still love him/her?'

The reason itself can be whatever.
From him cheating on you before, arguing all the time, getting fat, losing a job; all is actually irrelevant.

Plus, everything like finance etc I did account for; however, in some cases, as I was trying to get across, these instances happened prior to marriage.

Either way..

I'm only asking if:

Using children as an excuse to stay in a situation which you no longer receive happiness, fulfillment, and/or enjoyment is a reliable and firm cause to remain in that relationship.

no

but they are a good reason to be certain and adult about all choices and to not make rash decisions

and to rethink everything 1,000 times.

Agreed, but at the same time, a prolonged relationship built on a facade and structured around a tip-toed lie wrapped in misery; isn't any better.

It's like..

A. Two single parents both happy and separated. <--

B. One miserable family just enduring because of the fear for option A. <--

Which is actually worst?

Awesome input Chloe.

Helped a lot shining some light. :D

I chickened out sorry dude. I have a bad feeling about this thread. :O

Did you get to see what I had written?

it's not black & white Sin - we have to figure that out for ourselves as individuals and as couples

I think staying together for the kids gets a bad rap - it's a good idea to try to do so if at all possible (jmho) - people split up over b@llshyste when they actually had built some pretty good life

adults need to consider the impacts of their decisions on others and not act selfishly

I mean a guy who's aching over a little bita poon I don't feel sorry for - I'd say wake the frack up & go home

but sometimes there are more serious issues like a partner with a drug or alcohol problem

there are a myriad of possibilities no set answers

that prolly doesn't help

g'nite BTW - I'm still kinda sick in the flu zone - gotta crash early

controversy

eh? don't let that scare ya

No. :(

Chickened out? Why?

It's not bad..
I'm just curious. That's all.

Kind of it did.

But I'm under the impression if you are coming to me for advice and stating over and over how miserable you are, no matter the actual circumstance, you have almost given up and are urging me to give you a boost or reason to stick it out.

The single precept "because we have a kid and a house" isn't an overall viable reason to endure through it.

Thank you.
Hope you feel better.

Get some rest. :)

I call this the relativity of pain. Are you less unhappy inside the relationship than you would be outside it? For a lot of people, the answer is yes, or at least they think it must be yes. They're afraid of the unknown, they're afraid of change, they're afraid of disappointing their friends or family, they're afraid of admitting that they made a mistake. They're afraid they can't make it on their own financially or emotionally. They're afraid that leaving will turn out to be a mistake somehow, too.

And don't forget that for some people, an unhappy relationship is all they've ever known, because maybe that's what they grew up in. So they don't have any particular reason to believe there could be anything better.

People think "love is all you need" for a relationship, and when it turns out that it's not, they get confused and disappointed. It's hard to let go of that hope that maybe, somehow, miraculously, things will turn out fine again.

If there isn't any big dramatic incident, it's hard to make the break. I don't think the children and the house are conscious excuses. It's just that it's so complicated to figure out how to handle all that, and when the relationship is that bad, you're already emotionally exhausted.

Agree completely.

I can grasp and understand the emotion strain involved. Love may not be all you need, but it at least should be one of things you do have.

IM confused by the question 'outside of love, what reasons...

it kind of overlooks the MOST important of all reasons and asks for reasons in ADDITION


so , if people LOVE each other, having children and having built a life together are pretty good reasons to continue the work involved in keeping a relationship working,,,,

Love isn't in this equation. That's why outside of.

Because instinctively that is the first response.

I am talking about being completely miserable in the situation and using children and materials as a solidified reason in which to stay involved in the situation in 'hopes' that one day love may grow again.

Sorry for the confusion.

Mind works faster than my fingers.

Furthermore.

Abusive relationships.

A lot of the time the one being abused stays for that individual reason, love.

Even in that situation, would you still consider love to be good enough to result in it being the major reason for staying?

No, I don't think miserable people should
stay together ONLY for the children.
No I don't think children should be used
as pawns for revenge or material gain.

It happens ALL the time.