Please feel free to ignore this

I know this is stupid and people will just roll their eyes at this but I really think I hate myself. I look in the mirror and hate everything I see. I don't know what it is. I blame myself whenever something goes wrong. Even when I know I am not at fault I still find a way to tell myself that it is.

If I get dumped, its because I wasn't good enough. If someone ridicules or insults me, I feel like I deserved it. And when someone compliments me, I think they are lying to be nice. I can't help it. And when I try to blame the person who hurt me, I end up feeling even more guilty because I know I can't blame them for being who they are.

I want to change but I just don't see the point. I no longer trust people because all I have ever known is lies.

This breaks my heart because you are so young. I understand where you are coming from though and, as an abuse survivor, I just want you to KNOW that things can get better. You are just starting to have some control over your life. Don't give up now.

I highly recommend counseling and lots and lots of healing time. ((((HUG))))

Thanks, its nine in the morning where I am and I've been up since 2. I could do with a hug

Well Stony...seems to me that you are aware of the common denominator for things not going your way.

Obviously, negativity ain't working too great for you. Consider focusing on the positive things. To my experience, people prefer being around positive people. It is easy to dwell on the negatives, particularly when you are young.

Bad times pass...just like all things do. Everyone is thier own worst critic....You probably ain't as screwed up as you think.

Chin up my man. The only one who can make things better for you...is you. But, it is gonna take making a conscious desicion to have a better life.

It ain't easy but, It can be done.

Thanks I think I will do what I always do. Go to the bar and sing my problems out. I am seriously feeling some Sarah McLachlan

It took me awhile to realize that it was completely pointless to depend on other people for my own sense of self-worth.

The reality of it is that those people are not me; they don't know my life, my history, the things I've experienced (both good and bad), my hopes and fears and dreams and motivations -- to put it very simply, nobody but me is in any position to give me (or take away from me) my own self-worth.

That's why it's called self-worth.

And this is a hard thing to assimilate in a society which teaches us that we're only as good as some random stranger thinks we are. Well, society got that one wrong.

I've reached the point where I'm comfortable with myself. I don't need anyone's approval. If I get approval, hey, that's great, but there's no downside if I don't get it.

We need to accept ourselves first. We all have good points and bad points, and we can try to maximize the good ones and work on the bad ones -- it's an ongoing process. In the meantime, I think the only thing "wrong" with you is that you think there's something "wrong" with you....!

Thanks

These are the feelings I have only when I am alone. I have a policy that no one will ever see me cry, and no one will ever see me bleed. I have so many friends that count on my strength so no one can ever see what lies beneath.

Classic "nice guy" symptoms.

No More Mr. Nice Guy!

It's not what you think.

I used to be the same way, StonyGuy... I still can be at times... I even posted a thread relatively similar to yours a long time back (may have even been on JustSayHi)...


I agree... i reccomend counseling... it helps... a lot... I never did meds or anything, but it helped a lot to have an unbiased person put things into perspective for me...

Try not to focus on the negative... clearly you know that the things you blame yourself for arent your fault.... Getting dumped doesnt mean you werent good enough... maybe it means THEY werent good enough to see how great you are... Stop blaming yourself for things.... i know its not easy... but thats what i had to do... you dont need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders...

Dont let people ruin how you feel about yourself all other people in general...

Good luck... things will get better...

PS: Since i've been there, you can feel free to message me if you want to talk about it....

Maybe that's part of the problem...
you deserve to be who you are and living up to others ideals of who that is can be painful.
Your true friends will not be bothered by you crying or showing what lies beneath.
It's nice you friends can count on you, can you count on yourself?

I used that same policy many years ago. It was a horribly bad move. If I had it to do all over again, I would have been a lot more open -- and vulnerable -- with the people I was serving as their stability in life. The whole "one-sided" thing becomes very grueling after awhile.

Most of your pain is caused by your internalized feelings of inadequacy and unlovability. You have to learn that you are lovable and worthwhile just the way you are. Buy the book I mentioned above and read it, it will give you a new lease on life.

Fatigue and trying to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders always trying to be strong for friends, even strangers, publicly will eventually grind you into the ground. Then nothing for yourself or anyone else so it is really misplaced selfishness.

Not that selfishness is always a bad thing in small doses. Maybe calling it self valuation or self maintenance will make it easier to stick up for your own selfworth?

My guess is some unhappy soul put that responsibility of never being human on you at a very impressionable age which is terribly unfair and abusive if no one has told you that. All people need to cry sometimes and release anger, frustration, pain, dissappointment, and all sorts of emotions that are pretty or not so pretty. Men are definitely not excluded from this nor are kids, Mom's, Boss'es or other people who don't give themselves permission.

I am not saying carry it to extream. You can drown yourself in greif and negativity. Big reason I believe in time limited counseling , meditation, self improvement. Life is suppose to feel good sometimes.

Something that works for folks who have the night time blues is to give yourself a recipe card to write your worries on. It kind of forces you to be consise and only so much you can crowd on one card then put it away for the night. Then do something that will help you self comfort. Singing can be good if it is not just another form of crying.

I have my reservations about going to the bar. Usually just trades one misery for another.

Probably better to do something that will make you sleepy. Read a happy book, Cool bath, extra long shampoo/scalp massage, steemy towel, little warm milk and cereal, burning a candle in a safe place.

these feelings are not an indelible thing that you can not out grow if you push yourself to ask for your share of comfort, praise, and self valuation time. You may have to fake it until you make it but when you hear these feelings say NO I don't allow you to do this. With practice it gets easier and the positive responses seems to help you build as you go.

Limiting toxic people access to you is not a bad idea either. If someone, or some type of person, really vexs your spirit you don't have to bust theri chops but you can ignore them out of self respect/ Think of it as a favor to them to teach them how to treat others. This isn't so much judgement as faceing facts. Once you stop letting the toxic people or their words have power in your life then you can start healig.

I agree with SilentlyScreaming as I went a similar route. I had to go through a lot of therapy sessions, groups sessions, one on one sessions, see a shrink two or three times, many 12 step meetings and just be reprogrammed. After a lot of mind expanding and mood altering drugs with alcohol plus a really screwed childhood the counselors just basically had to start all over from scratch. I began to fill like the six million dollar man after a while. The denial was the biggest hurdle to get through but after I accepted the reality on its own terms the restoration began to take effect to sanity. One of the things I bring up in the meetings sometimes is whether I was ever sane to begin with. One of the things my sponsor used to tell me was cheer up it could worse and how right he was because sometimes it does get worse. It got bitter before it got better but eventually it just got better.

I have to say you have touched a nerve with me on this one as I feel exactly the same way you do.

Navygirl!!! No. Really?

Well, you've just joined the club. Many of us here feel the same way.

Yep, really. Why do you think I have been single all my life?